Over the past few weeks I have had a strange, new sinking feeling in my gut. And no, it's not the excess of Halloween candy! I have been having mixed feelings about our plan to try IVF ICSI in January (yes, just months after announcing our decision to try again). When it comes to the IVF process, I have always been the one who was ready to GO, GO, GO with almost no questions asked. Having doubts (outside of the regular "will this work" doubt) about starting a new round is completely new and foreign to me.
This morning, I sat at our kitchen island sipping coffee while Brandon made breakfast (he truly is a keeper). We had a rare moment of adult conversation, while Josie played in the living room! I contemplated telling Brandon about my recent reservations against another round of IVF ICSI. Since it appeared we had a few moments to talk, I decided to dive into my thoughts. As I talked through my recent feelings, I could actually see the stress and anxiety lifting from my husband's shoulders.
We have both had reservations about this new round of IVF ICSI, that much we have discussed already. But diving deeper into the plan, we both agree the timing, the doctors, the financial aspects and the potential new insurance coverage have felt "off". My amazing husband had these reservations already, but was planning to go through with it all, knowing how much I wanted to have another baby. Up until the past month, my thoughts on having another baby and being pregnant again have been coupled with urgency! It had to be something that was done and as soon as we could possibly handle it. All of a sudden that urgency has been replaced by contentment. Life is good for us right now! We have an amazing little girl who will turn 4 in less than two weeks! We no longer deal with diapers and bottles and teething, and the inability to do most tasks. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty more life phases we are preparing ourselves for, but as of right now, life is good!
Both Brandon and I agree that we want another child. But, we also agree that now does not feel like the right time. I don't know why, but it just doesn't seem right. Maybe there is something else waiting to happen to us in the next few months. Maybe there are other opportunities that we are meant to encounter that we don't even know exist. In my heart, I just know the timing is wrong. So, for now, we are planning to put IVF ICSI on the back burner. We plan to revisit this possibility in 6 months or so. We will see where our heads and our hearts are then. For now, we are going to enjoy our perfect little family and making lots of fun memories!
Saturday, November 7, 2015
Saturday, October 17, 2015
Just us girls!
Last weekend Brandon headed up to Chicago for a last minute guy's night with a friend he had not seen in over a decade! As he was pulling out of the neighborhood, Josie and I were planning our girl's only day!
We started our day at one of our favorite fall spots in Champaign, IL- Curtis Orchard and Pumpkin Patch! Last fall, Josie and I visited Curtis Orchard a handful of times. It's free to get in and they have lots of fun activities (which are not free) for the kids! We also hand picked all of our Halloween pumpkins from Curtis last year! We physically removed them from the vines, which I had never done before.
This was our first trip to Curtis this year! Knowing it might be our only trip (and that I desperately needed a tired Jojo for an easy one parent evening), I let Josie do just about all that her tiny fall-loving heart wanted. First stop- naturally- was for pony rides! Followed closely by feeding the goats.
To round out our fall fun, we got up early Sunday morning and made homemade (ish) pumpkin cinnamon rolls. Pinterest pages are currently flooded with a million ways you can use pumpkin and pumpkin spice to create your Fall dream. I used this pin in particular to create our breakfast! These were so easy to make!
I wish I had followed the suggestion of spreading only a thin layer of pumpkin on the crescent roll. As you can see from my photos, I went a little overboard, which makes them a bit messy. I also thought the glaze was a little too powder sugary for my taste, but I truly appreciated that it was effortless and fast to whip up. Overall.....it was pretty darn good and we ate more than we should have!
We started our day at one of our favorite fall spots in Champaign, IL- Curtis Orchard and Pumpkin Patch! Last fall, Josie and I visited Curtis Orchard a handful of times. It's free to get in and they have lots of fun activities (which are not free) for the kids! We also hand picked all of our Halloween pumpkins from Curtis last year! We physically removed them from the vines, which I had never done before.
This was our first trip to Curtis this year! Knowing it might be our only trip (and that I desperately needed a tired Jojo for an easy one parent evening), I let Josie do just about all that her tiny fall-loving heart wanted. First stop- naturally- was for pony rides! Followed closely by feeding the goats.
Shortly after a ride on her trusty steed, we went to stand in line for face paint. The line was only 5 kids long and I knew this was by far the shortest it would be all day. It took at least 35 minutes, which is basically FOREVER in toddler time. Although, I am certain Jojo would say it was totally worth it!
After we were officially feline we moved over to the giant slide/tractor ride section! I don't have any pictures from the this part of our day, but she had a great time. And, finally, you can't visit Curtis Orchard without sampling their delicious Apple Cider or Apple Cider Slushies (I don't know if we have these in the South, but they are legit and delicious) and homemade Apple Cider Donuts! Here is Jojo patiently waiting as I stand in line! It's a tough life at Curtis Orchard!
To round out our fall fun, we got up early Sunday morning and made homemade (ish) pumpkin cinnamon rolls. Pinterest pages are currently flooded with a million ways you can use pumpkin and pumpkin spice to create your Fall dream. I used this pin in particular to create our breakfast! These were so easy to make!
I wish I had followed the suggestion of spreading only a thin layer of pumpkin on the crescent roll. As you can see from my photos, I went a little overboard, which makes them a bit messy. I also thought the glaze was a little too powder sugary for my taste, but I truly appreciated that it was effortless and fast to whip up. Overall.....it was pretty darn good and we ate more than we should have!
This weekend, we are heading off to The Great Pumpkin Patch in Arthur, IL. We have never been to this patch in particular and hear wonderful things about the children's activities and donuts. Because, let's not kid ourselves, the real reason I am going is for the donuts!
Thursday, October 1, 2015
Final Recap
In December of 2010 we contacted our RE and let her know we would plan to start the IVF ICSI process in January 2011. All of our medication was ordered, some from domestic pharmacies, some internationally. To be honest, it was overwhelming and we hadn't even started.
In January I started taking lots of medications. Some made me nauseous morning, noon and night. I started giving myself shots in the belly. Actually, Brandon gave me the first few because I was too scared to do it. I started taking birth control (yep, birth control) and other hormone injections. Within 6 weeks I was a walking talking mess of hormones and nausea, not to mention lumpy injection sites as the new injections were an oil that had a tendency to get lumpy if not warmed before injection. Those hurt. My doctor assured us it had all been worth it. I was being monitored closely by the end of the 6 weeks and we had several healthy eggs (mature and not too big and not too small).
On a Wednesday morning in late February of 2011 Brandon and I both had our retrieval. My doctor was able to retrieve 18 eggs from my ovaries. Of those 18, 12 were considered mature and initially we thought 10 had been successfully fertilized. When we went back to the RE on the day of our embryonic transfer we learned that only 6 had fertilized and were usable either in the initial transfer back to me or to freeze. The Monday following our retrieval, we transferred two embryos back to my body. The remaining 4 embryos were frozen for future use. Both Brandon and I were happy with these numbers.
Two weeks after our embryo transfer we found out we were pregnant! I was still taking medication and would continue to take some medications for the next several weeks. I also suffered OHSS or ovarian Hyper-stimulation Syndrome and was in a lot of pain for about 3 weeks after the transfer. Apparently some cases can be so severe that women need to be hospitalized. I will tell you it was extremely painful and I hope to never feel that way again, but thankfully I did not need hospitalization.
In November, after an extremely uneventful pregnancy I gave birth to a beautiful and healthy baby girl! She changed our lives forever and I could not be more grateful for this little girl! We were not sure we would ever be able to have a child, yet there we were holding this precious bundle of joy! In January of 2013 we started preparing for our first FET- frozen embryo transfer. We had four frozen embryos to use. Once again I started medications and shots. About 6 weeks into the new year we had our first FET scheduled. Two frozen embryos were thawed, but only one survived the thawing process. That embryo was transferred to me, but sadly two weeks later we learned that the embryo did not survive and I had not gotten pregnant. In March, we decided to try again. We had two frozen embryos left. Once again, I found myself pumped full of medications. Again, only one embryo thawed properly. Sadly, two weeks later we learned the pregnancy had not stuck.
I was a mess of emotions and I blame that on both the medications and the loss of embryos. Our hearts were broken, yet we still felt like the luckiest parents on this earth. We had beat the odds and had our perfect baby! So many people spend their lives praying for the chance to be a parent and never get that opportunity. At the time, we were too broken to even consider another round of IVF ICSI. I did not even want to discuss the option. Especially since trying again meant we would have to start from scratch.....all the way in the very beginning. All those medications and shots and all that money. And oh no....the OHSS. But, here we are, almost exactly 3 years since our FET's and 5 years since our original cycle, with a nearly 4 year old girl, preparing ourselves for a whole new cycle of IVF ICSI to start in January 2016!
We must be crazy!
In January I started taking lots of medications. Some made me nauseous morning, noon and night. I started giving myself shots in the belly. Actually, Brandon gave me the first few because I was too scared to do it. I started taking birth control (yep, birth control) and other hormone injections. Within 6 weeks I was a walking talking mess of hormones and nausea, not to mention lumpy injection sites as the new injections were an oil that had a tendency to get lumpy if not warmed before injection. Those hurt. My doctor assured us it had all been worth it. I was being monitored closely by the end of the 6 weeks and we had several healthy eggs (mature and not too big and not too small).
On a Wednesday morning in late February of 2011 Brandon and I both had our retrieval. My doctor was able to retrieve 18 eggs from my ovaries. Of those 18, 12 were considered mature and initially we thought 10 had been successfully fertilized. When we went back to the RE on the day of our embryonic transfer we learned that only 6 had fertilized and were usable either in the initial transfer back to me or to freeze. The Monday following our retrieval, we transferred two embryos back to my body. The remaining 4 embryos were frozen for future use. Both Brandon and I were happy with these numbers.
Two weeks after our embryo transfer we found out we were pregnant! I was still taking medication and would continue to take some medications for the next several weeks. I also suffered OHSS or ovarian Hyper-stimulation Syndrome and was in a lot of pain for about 3 weeks after the transfer. Apparently some cases can be so severe that women need to be hospitalized. I will tell you it was extremely painful and I hope to never feel that way again, but thankfully I did not need hospitalization.
In November, after an extremely uneventful pregnancy I gave birth to a beautiful and healthy baby girl! She changed our lives forever and I could not be more grateful for this little girl! We were not sure we would ever be able to have a child, yet there we were holding this precious bundle of joy! In January of 2013 we started preparing for our first FET- frozen embryo transfer. We had four frozen embryos to use. Once again I started medications and shots. About 6 weeks into the new year we had our first FET scheduled. Two frozen embryos were thawed, but only one survived the thawing process. That embryo was transferred to me, but sadly two weeks later we learned that the embryo did not survive and I had not gotten pregnant. In March, we decided to try again. We had two frozen embryos left. Once again, I found myself pumped full of medications. Again, only one embryo thawed properly. Sadly, two weeks later we learned the pregnancy had not stuck.
I was a mess of emotions and I blame that on both the medications and the loss of embryos. Our hearts were broken, yet we still felt like the luckiest parents on this earth. We had beat the odds and had our perfect baby! So many people spend their lives praying for the chance to be a parent and never get that opportunity. At the time, we were too broken to even consider another round of IVF ICSI. I did not even want to discuss the option. Especially since trying again meant we would have to start from scratch.....all the way in the very beginning. All those medications and shots and all that money. And oh no....the OHSS. But, here we are, almost exactly 3 years since our FET's and 5 years since our original cycle, with a nearly 4 year old girl, preparing ourselves for a whole new cycle of IVF ICSI to start in January 2016!
We must be crazy!
Wednesday, September 30, 2015
Recap- part 2
As soon as the doctor told me there were zero sperm in the sample, my natural, knee-jerk reaction was to laugh. There had to be a mistake, right? No, my doctor was sure.....having zero sperm was a rare condition called Azoospermia and could be caused by several different factors. The next step in our process would be for Brandon to see a specialist to help determine our reason for azoospermia.
We soon learned my husband had a congenital absence of the vas deferens. Basically, he was born without vas deferens ..... like being born with a vascetomy. It was a pretty rare diagnosis, but we still had hope. There was still the chance that he was producing normal sperm, they just had no way of getting out. And this was where we learned that the only opportunity we might have at having a biological child was through IVF ICSI- in vitro fertilization with Intra-cytoplasmic sperm injection. Basically ICSI is a special form of IVF. Because we are special! So, so special!
We met with a fertility specialist, or Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). She informed us that IVF ICSI was indeed our best bet at having a biological child. Basically, the RE would inject a single sperm directly into a mature egg in a lab. My doctor would set my body up to grow and harvest healthy eggs. When the time was right they would remove these eggs and inject each one with a single sperm. The hope is that the eggs are fertilized by the sperm (obviously) and make embryos. The embryos are given a couple of days to grow and if they are viable, they are transferred back into me. I mean, no big deal, right? Oh.....and then there is the cost of IVF ICSI. Amazingly.....that whole process in a lab, plus the cost of medications procedures and appointments, was not cheap.
After all this, I was a mess of emotions. We had learned there was only one way for us to get pregnant. It was not cheap or easy and there was absolutely no guarantee. This whole part freaked me out. Yet, at the same time, I was so relieved. Finally.....we knew what was going on and exactly what we needed to do. We had been searching for answers for so long and now we knew!
We soon learned my husband had a congenital absence of the vas deferens. Basically, he was born without vas deferens ..... like being born with a vascetomy. It was a pretty rare diagnosis, but we still had hope. There was still the chance that he was producing normal sperm, they just had no way of getting out. And this was where we learned that the only opportunity we might have at having a biological child was through IVF ICSI- in vitro fertilization with Intra-cytoplasmic sperm injection. Basically ICSI is a special form of IVF. Because we are special! So, so special!
We met with a fertility specialist, or Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). She informed us that IVF ICSI was indeed our best bet at having a biological child. Basically, the RE would inject a single sperm directly into a mature egg in a lab. My doctor would set my body up to grow and harvest healthy eggs. When the time was right they would remove these eggs and inject each one with a single sperm. The hope is that the eggs are fertilized by the sperm (obviously) and make embryos. The embryos are given a couple of days to grow and if they are viable, they are transferred back into me. I mean, no big deal, right? Oh.....and then there is the cost of IVF ICSI. Amazingly.....that whole process in a lab, plus the cost of medications procedures and appointments, was not cheap.
After all this, I was a mess of emotions. We had learned there was only one way for us to get pregnant. It was not cheap or easy and there was absolutely no guarantee. This whole part freaked me out. Yet, at the same time, I was so relieved. Finally.....we knew what was going on and exactly what we needed to do. We had been searching for answers for so long and now we knew!
To be continued......
Tuesday, September 29, 2015
Where it all began- A recap of our IVF journey part 1
Brandon and I were married in 2008. For us, there was never any doubt about having children. Initially, our only real question revolved around when to start. Very shortly after getting married we considered starting right away. The more we talked about it, the more we realized we needed some time. Time to enjoy married life, time to enjoy our friends and time to save and mentally prepare ourselves for the idea of being someone's parent. Little did we know that in the end we would have more time than we ever dreamed of and that NO amount of time will ever properly prepare you to be called mama or dada.
Apparently sometime in 2009 we decided we were ready. We were prepared to bring another life into this world and be responsible for that life (ha). Shortly before we made this decision I had seen my doctor. I let her know we were thinking about starting our family and if she had any suggestions or immediate or obvious concerns, I would love to hear them. My doctor said to me "You are young and you are healthy. If you try for more than 6 months with no success, come back and we can talk." Of course, at the time I was sure we would have no problems and I would be back only when I was pregnant. I will never understand why my doctor told me to try for only 6 months and not at least a year like I so often hear from other people, but in the end I was grateful.
Approximately 8 long, frustrating, and sad months later I made an appointment to return to the doctor to discuss possible complications with conceiving. I had tracked my periods for the past 6 months, knew my ovulation days and could tell you, almost to the minute what was happening with my cycle. My doctor drew blood and ran all the normal tests to determine what might be causing issues. Once my results were in, we would have a better idea of where a good starting point might be. I got a phone call later that all my labs were fine. The next step, my doctor informed me, was to have a semen analysis.
If I had to guess, I would say that most men would be apprehensive about giving semen specimens for testing. My sweet husband, like most, shared this apprehension. Thankfully, he knew this was the only way we could move forward with our process. Since my doctor had arranged for us to work with the clinic that would do the test on the semen, I was actually the one to receive the phone call once the results were in. At the time, I was working in the Development Department of a local non-profit and on this day in particular, I was setting up an event. I got the phone call from my doctor about an hour before our event began....not exactly the best timing.
First, I was reminded that a normal or average semen sample contains between 40 million and 300 million sperm. Anything below 20 million sperm per sample is considered a low sperm count. Okay, I think to myself, I must need to prepare myself for a low number. I keep thinking she is going to tell me my husband has between 200,000 and 300,000 or something. A number that, although very low in standards of average samples, still exists and can be worked with. I was not prepared to hear that my husband's sample came back with zero sperm. Not one. Not a single one. It's quite rare, she tells me. It's a condition called Azoospermia. Azo-what, I think? Freaking great, now who is going to tell my husband?
Apparently sometime in 2009 we decided we were ready. We were prepared to bring another life into this world and be responsible for that life (ha). Shortly before we made this decision I had seen my doctor. I let her know we were thinking about starting our family and if she had any suggestions or immediate or obvious concerns, I would love to hear them. My doctor said to me "You are young and you are healthy. If you try for more than 6 months with no success, come back and we can talk." Of course, at the time I was sure we would have no problems and I would be back only when I was pregnant. I will never understand why my doctor told me to try for only 6 months and not at least a year like I so often hear from other people, but in the end I was grateful.
Approximately 8 long, frustrating, and sad months later I made an appointment to return to the doctor to discuss possible complications with conceiving. I had tracked my periods for the past 6 months, knew my ovulation days and could tell you, almost to the minute what was happening with my cycle. My doctor drew blood and ran all the normal tests to determine what might be causing issues. Once my results were in, we would have a better idea of where a good starting point might be. I got a phone call later that all my labs were fine. The next step, my doctor informed me, was to have a semen analysis.
If I had to guess, I would say that most men would be apprehensive about giving semen specimens for testing. My sweet husband, like most, shared this apprehension. Thankfully, he knew this was the only way we could move forward with our process. Since my doctor had arranged for us to work with the clinic that would do the test on the semen, I was actually the one to receive the phone call once the results were in. At the time, I was working in the Development Department of a local non-profit and on this day in particular, I was setting up an event. I got the phone call from my doctor about an hour before our event began....not exactly the best timing.
First, I was reminded that a normal or average semen sample contains between 40 million and 300 million sperm. Anything below 20 million sperm per sample is considered a low sperm count. Okay, I think to myself, I must need to prepare myself for a low number. I keep thinking she is going to tell me my husband has between 200,000 and 300,000 or something. A number that, although very low in standards of average samples, still exists and can be worked with. I was not prepared to hear that my husband's sample came back with zero sperm. Not one. Not a single one. It's quite rare, she tells me. It's a condition called Azoospermia. Azo-what, I think? Freaking great, now who is going to tell my husband?
To be continued.....
Tuesday, September 15, 2015
Hello World!
Oh my... It's been so many months since I visited the blog world that I was dreading even opening my blogger account. Life carries on, as we all know, whether we want it to or not. And not surprisingly, the blogger world has continued to turn even in my absence. In March 2014 the Bice family moved from Knoxville, TN to Champaign, IL. I approached this move as an adventure for our entire family. Moving 500 miles from our family and friends was scary and overwhelming, but calling it an adventure took a lot of the anxiety out of it for me. Go figure.
Brandon really loves the company that he works for and I am grateful I to have the opportunity to stay home with Josie. It has been a learning experience, for both her and I, to say the least. I wasn't sure we would survive the first few weeks together, but once we established a routine life became much simpler. Two weeks ago Jojo started preschool (whhaaat....my baby) and two weeks ago I started something new, too! It's called peeing in privacy and it's amazing. Although we love our time together, preschool has been a pleasant break for us both. I plan to use this extra time (which is actually only a few hours a day, two days a week) to start writing again and running OUTSIDE again and reminding myself that the task of grocery shopping ISN'T a punishment from God.
Although the blog will include our everyday happenings, I want to focus a lot of my blog energy on our struggles through infertility and the process that comes with IVF ICSI. Everything from initial diagnosis, meeting doctors, costs to conception. IVF and IVF ICSI are not for the faint of heart. Infertility comes with hundreds of questions, symptoms and diagnosis and if I can help at least one person better understand their situation or simply learn from my own, I would be happy! Brandon and I plan or start a brand new round of IVF ICSI in January with a brand new doctor in a semi-new state. I plan to blog every step of the way! So check back often for updates and new information. Maybe we will walk this road together....maybe you aren't as alone in this journey as you thought!
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