Over the past few weeks I have had a strange, new sinking feeling in my gut. And no, it's not the excess of Halloween candy! I have been having mixed feelings about our plan to try IVF ICSI in January (yes, just months after announcing our decision to try again). When it comes to the IVF process, I have always been the one who was ready to GO, GO, GO with almost no questions asked. Having doubts (outside of the regular "will this work" doubt) about starting a new round is completely new and foreign to me.
This morning, I sat at our kitchen island sipping coffee while Brandon made breakfast (he truly is a keeper). We had a rare moment of adult conversation, while Josie played in the living room! I contemplated telling Brandon about my recent reservations against another round of IVF ICSI. Since it appeared we had a few moments to talk, I decided to dive into my thoughts. As I talked through my recent feelings, I could actually see the stress and anxiety lifting from my husband's shoulders.
We have both had reservations about this new round of IVF ICSI, that much we have discussed already. But diving deeper into the plan, we both agree the timing, the doctors, the financial aspects and the potential new insurance coverage have felt "off". My amazing husband had these reservations already, but was planning to go through with it all, knowing how much I wanted to have another baby. Up until the past month, my thoughts on having another baby and being pregnant again have been coupled with urgency! It had to be something that was done and as soon as we could possibly handle it. All of a sudden that urgency has been replaced by contentment. Life is good for us right now! We have an amazing little girl who will turn 4 in less than two weeks! We no longer deal with diapers and bottles and teething, and the inability to do most tasks. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty more life phases we are preparing ourselves for, but as of right now, life is good!
Both Brandon and I agree that we want another child. But, we also agree that now does not feel like the right time. I don't know why, but it just doesn't seem right. Maybe there is something else waiting to happen to us in the next few months. Maybe there are other opportunities that we are meant to encounter that we don't even know exist. In my heart, I just know the timing is wrong. So, for now, we are planning to put IVF ICSI on the back burner. We plan to revisit this possibility in 6 months or so. We will see where our heads and our hearts are then. For now, we are going to enjoy our perfect little family and making lots of fun memories!
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