We like to run....sort of....

 
As it turns out, we like to run races, but we aren't really all that into training.  If I had to sum up our year of running it would be something like this...."Last minute entry decisions, leading to sore bodies and pretty medals!"

The best part about the end of each race- I swear to myself I will properly train for the next one.  But, it never happens!

This year we ran several races and basically trained for none.  Brandon ran a handful more than I did this year and actually got a few training days in here and there!  Knoxville's Track Club has a great trail running series called "Treadin Trodden Trails"!  This series offers about 7 or 8 trail races a year.  They are perfect for the experienced trail runner OR the beginner (ahem....me).   Trail races are a lot of fun, but about 1000x's harder than any road race I have ever done!  For one....I am CONSTANTLY looking at my feet to make sure I don't trip over rocks or roots or furry animals.  And secondly....how many trails do you know about that are flat?  Not many, huh? 

In addition to a couple of trail runs we also completed a couple of half marathons and 5K's!  This year was by far the most unprepared I have ever been for a half marathon, but we finished.  We also suffered with sore knees and legs for several days, but hey....we finished.

Here are a few of our favorite races this year-

-I.C. King of Trails Race- This is a 7 mile trail race that we ran back in March.  I will say this was probably my best trail race to date.  I actually enjoyed this one!  Here is the course below!

-On October 20th we ran in what has been my favorite road race/half marathon EVER!  It was the 4 Bridges Half Marathon in Chattanooga!  Not only was the scenery spectacular, but the idea of running 4 bridges (or 7 if you were doing the marathon) was pretty cool.  At one point, we were even running on a section of the interstate that had been closed down for the race!  When will you ever get to run on the interstate again?  Um...hopefully never, unless it's for a race.  This was a particularly fast course, too!

This was the first time I have ever taken photos during a race, but how could I resist?  This photo was taken on the first bridge we crossed during this race in the wee hours of the morning.  The bridge in the photo is actually (I believe) the final bridge we crossed that day!



This photo was taken around mile 6 and I believe this was our second to last bridge!

 -On November 16th we ran "The Trail that Can't be Concord" at Concord Park in Knoxville.  Brandon reassured me leading up to that race that it wouldn't be very hilly.  If I could have caught up to him by the end of the race, I would have kicked him!  That was 7 miles of hills, Hills, and HILLS!  My shins and calves were so sore over the next week from the hills.  And to top that....we got attacked by Yellow Jackets!  I haven't been stung by a yellow jacket since I was a little girl!  I forgot how bad they hurt and how long it takes for the sting, itchiness to go away.  Seriously....all I could think of was Katniss and the Tracker Jackets in The Hunger Games.  I got stung twice and Brandon got stung about 5 times.  Someone in front of us must have disturbed the nest, because pretty much everyone behind us was stung.  OUCH!  Shortly after we were attacked, around mile 3, Brandon took off and left me in his dust!

-On December 1st, the Sunday after Thanksgiving, we ran in the Secret City Half Marathon in Oak Ridge, TN.  This race was a double loop course- by far my LEAST favorite.  It's easier for me if I don't know what to expect in terms of courses and seeing the 2nd loop mile markers was hard on that first loop.  Brandon LOVED this course and thought it was particularly fast.  He was ready to sign up for 2014 right then and there.  I, on the other hand, have vowed to not run this race again.  It was probably my least favorite race since the Nashville Half Marathon I ran in March (I think) of 2012.  And the main reason I hate that race was because I was out of shape from just having a baby.  Too bad that's not my excuse for being out of shape now! 

-Most recently (last Thursday), I ran in an Ugly Sweater 5K benefiting Second Harvest Food Bank of East Tennessee (the charity I work for).  This was a fun race!  I always enjoy the races where the runners get into the spirit of the race!  It was a lot of fun to see everyone in their hideous and tacky sweaters running the 5K!  The race started and finished at one of our favorite hang-outs, The Bearden Beer Market!  The first 1/4 mile of the race was straight UP HILL, followed by straight down hills.  I didn't mind this going out, as I had fresh legs (Oh...did I mention I was pushing Josie in the running stroller), but coming back I was beat.  I think making it up that hill would have been tough without the added weight of the stroller and 2 year old and it was nearly impossible with them!  Josie kept saying "Run, mama!  Run!" as I was walking (barely) up the giant hill!  We finished and it was fun!  I will definitely do that one again!

Taken right after the Ugly Sweater 5K!  It was pretty cold during this night race!!

I would like to think I will keep my vow to myself and not schedule anymore races with out proper training, but in all honesty, I doubt that will happen.  My guess is we will sign up for something in January or February and not run one single mile until a week or two before the race.  Maybe I should just accept this strategy and my training method!  Although I can't help but think about how much better my times might be if I actually put some legitimate training into this! Oh well....I will likely never know! 

From the mouths of babes.....

Confessions aren't easy....

Tonight as I was sitting in the living room playing with Josie, my sweet and loving daughter said "Put phone down, Mommy" and pointed to the end table by the couch.  We were playing horsey...she had one hand and my phone had the other.

The simplest of requests from my 2 year old and I feel like a complete A-S-S.  Brandon and I have both made a point to be aware of the amount of time we spend on the Ipad or phone while hanging out with the kiddo (or so I thought), but we live in a world that runs on technology and just like so many others....I am addicted. 

My goodness I feel like a hypocrite.  We spend most of our summer days and nights outside enjoying the world.  I can't tell you how many times this summer I saw other mothers or fathers at the park with their kids, completely missing out on all the fun because they were too glued to their phones to notice. 

I feel like such a jerk, thinking the simple checking of Facebook or peeking into Instagram was going unnoticed.  I am grateful Jo pointed out my mistake.   Because that is exactly what it is.....a mistake on my part.  I talk all the time about how fast she is growing and changing and I don't want to waste a second......yet each night, countless times I am turning on my phone to see the latest updates. 

I have a new rule for this mommy!  I don't care if I have to hide my phone in a dresser drawer when I get home, my greatest and most important priority needs to know she is my greatest and most important priority.  From this point forward, when I am home, my time is reserved for my loves- Josie and Brandon!  Thanks, Jojo, for putting me back in my proper place with your simple, sweet request!

Yikes.....I've got the fever

Ah....jeez....

I have it.  I have it, bad.  I've got Baby Fever!  Baby fever is tough for anyone to deal with, especially those who have to wait or even worse....those who can't on their own. 

And it's not just baby fever- I don't necessarily miss those multiple night feedings and days of little to no sleep.  I don't necessarily miss spending weeks on end in a zombie like- half awake, half asleep- state.  Our bodies adjust and we move past that, but it's still not my favorite phase of parenting.

You know what I am really longing for?  Being pregnant!  I am sure some women will shriek at hearing that, but it's true.  Sure....we had a hard time getting pregnant, but once we actually GOT pregnant it was smooth sailing.  We had a fairly uneventful pregnancy and I had the luxury of enjoying every minute.  I LOVED feeling my body grow and change.  I LOVED knowing I was "housing" our little peanut!  And I truly LOVED feeling her move and turn and kick and live!  Last night I stopped to think about when my water broke.  Initially it scared the hell out of me.  And for about 60 seconds I got nervous and cried about two tears.  After that.....the excitement of knowing I was getting ready to meet my daughter took hold and I never looked back!

I want that.  I want that growing belly.  I want those swift baby kicks to the bladder!  I want it all, even the late night feedings, again!  I am ready.....

How I wish it was all that easy for us.  Shessh....what we wouldn't do to just be able to be pregnant again.  So many of my friends are now going through their own infertility journeys.  It breaks my heart to see anyone else struggle the way we did!  I hope they get Blessed with their very own miracle babe and maybe we will be blessed again, one day, too!    

Just a few days from 2!

I wish that my blogs didn't all start with something along the lines of "It's been so long", "I am a bad blogger", or "Sorry", but they do.  I often think to myself "I should blog about this" or upload pictures, but inevitably something else comes up.  Whether it be the attention stealing toddler or work or a tv show that has been in my DVR for over 6 weeks that my husband threatens to delete or a stronger desire to sleep....something else always comes up!  This past year I have not been a great blogger and although I would love to make promises to be better, I am pretty sure sporadic is as much as I can promise!  In reality it may be time to say bye-bye to the old blog, but there is a part of me that refuses to let go!  So for now....I will continue with my random updates!  Just know...I wish it was more!

And now...on to the update-

This Sunday Miss Josie turns 2 years old!  How is that possible?  This past year has been so much fun with her!  Josie's personality and character have really developed over the past 12 months and she is truly blossoming into a funny, energetic, happy little girl (most of the time).  

Josie started taking Gymnastic classes about two weeks ago and so far she loves it!  It's absolutely hysterical and completely exhausting (for Brandon and I)!  

Josie speaks pretty well for a 2 year old, at least in my opinion.  She strings several words together and speaks in sentences more often then not.  She has a wide variety of words she uses and I am always impressed with her memory.  Just the other day she reminded me that they sprayed water on her hair when she got it cut.......back in June.  She is FINALLY paci free (going on about 5 weeks)!  And she only a stone's throw from being potty trained!  We have days where she uses the potty 95% of the time, and days where she only uses it when it's convenient.  I think she will be diaper free by the end of the year!  Or at least....that's my hope!

Speaking of hair.....it's long.  We have had it cut twice now.  Once last Thanksgiving when we were in IL and again in June.  Both times no more than one inch was cut.  Next time we are in IL we will likely get it cut again.  I would love to chop off several inches and give her hair a chance to grow back healthy and strong, but I am not certain I can convince her dad of that.  

She is so very strong willed, already!  There will always be a part of me that says that's the redhead in her, although it may also have a lot to do with the fact that she is 2!  Josie can throw a fit with the best of them.  And, yes, it's terribly embarrassing.  But, for the most part, it's typical 2-year old behavior.  I have several friends who tell me the Terrible 2's are nothing compared to the Terrible 3's.  Oh great...that just means this next year she will perfect the art of tantrums and come back in another year to truly test our patience!

She loves her friends at school and her family and I love her loyalty already!  Josie is a very sweet little girl and I can't wait to see her grow up and into the person she was meant to be.  Brandon and I hope that we can eventually give her a little brother or sister, but that won't be happening anytime soon!  We are often reminded that she is our little miracle baby!  The one we were never guaranteed!  But she has certainly changed our lives for the best!  She has taught us so much and tested us many times, and at the end of each day she fills our hearts!  Happy Birthday sweet Josie!  Although you are only 2 years old, you are already the most amazing little person I have ever had the pleasure of knowing!  We love you! 

My Fall Favorites

Fall is by far my favorite time of year!  My perfect day would be waking up to a cool morning then progressing into an afternoon where jeans and a long sleeve shirt is comfortable attire.  Those are the days I long for during the dog days of summer.  We aren't quite there yet, but we are getting close!

One of my all time favorite fall recipes is White Chicken Chili!  Oh my, it's so good!  I swear I could eat this dish every day.  I started using Southern Living's "White Lightening Chicken Chili" recipe about two years ago and have never looked back!  We serve this with fresh from the oven cornbread and a dab of sour cream.  It just doesn't get much better than this!





I love that this recipe is so easy and quick to throw together! 



I generally buy two rotisserie chickens and use the meat I can pull from both.  It saves me a little bit of time and hassel!  

1 large sweet onion, diced

• 2 garlic cloves, minced

• 2 tablespoons olive oil

• 4 cups shredded cooked chicken

• 2 (14 1/2-oz.) cans chicken broth

• 2 (4.5-oz.) cans chopped green chiles

• 1 (1.25-oz.) package white chicken chili seasoning mix

• 3 (16-oz.) cans navy beans

Sauté onion and garlic in hot oil in a large Dutch oven over medium-high heat 5 minutes or until onion is tender. Stir in chicken, next 3 ingredients, and 2 cans navy beans. Coarsely mash remaining can navy beans, and stir into chicken mixture. Bring to a boil, stirring often; cover, reduce heat to medium-low, and simmer, stirring occasionally, 10 minutes. Serve with desired toppings.


I hope you enjoy it as much as we do!  Happy Fall, Y'all!


My failed attempt at photography

I thought it would be a good idea to try and take some pictures of Jojo myself.  Not only was it not a great idea, it was basically a disaster.  I now realize hiring a photographer to ensure the pictures are good is much easier on Mama. 

We decided to head out to a local wildlife refuge to take our pictures.  There is a sunflower field that, if caught during bloom, is breath taking.  Unfortunately we may have waited just a day or two too long, not that I got Jo to sit still long enough to enjoy the sunflowers!  I had all sorts of fun print outs to keep Jo's attention while taking her picture, then forgot them all in the car (a lot of good that did me).  She was more interested in playing in the barn or looking anywhere BUT at me.

So....out of the 150 pictures I took (seriously...no joke), here are a few of the decent ones.  Shewww.....that child is exhausting. 

Our little stinker!  Exhausting as she may be, we love her to the moon and back!

This is pretty much it for pictures of Jo and sunflowers....ha!

 



My last attempt to get her picture....in the parking lot!

 



 

This is a look at the area we were in and the sunflower field that we missed by just a day or two!

 

 

The picture below is my absolute favorite! 

21.5 months of life

Babycenter.com continues to send me weekly updates on what my child is likely doing for her age. I signed up for the weekly email when I was pregnant with Josie, and now, 21 ½ months after she was born (I know this, because I just got my email), I still get the updates. Each week when the email arrives, I think to myself “I should finally unsubscribe”, but I never do.

She’s 21 months and 2 weeks old and we are running, full speed, towards her second birthday. Josie no longer walks anywhere. Everywhere she goes; she’s running… or doing a cute toddler version of running. Her little legs are so short (she comes by this naturally) and when she runs I swear they are moving 2x’s as fast as anything else.  For me, it’s also a constant heart attack waiting to happen. Although she is a fast little runner already, she is also a bit clumsy (this, too, she comes by naturally). I get at least two phone calls a week letting me know she’s taken a tumble at school. She usually lands on her head and ends up with scraps and knots….and a popsicle. Brandon and I are suspicious that she might be intentionally falling down, just for the popsicles.

She’s a smart kid. And, yes, I realize all parents think that about their kids. She loves to read, which makes us very happy. She often asks for the “Bears Dancing” book, which is actually “On the Night You Were Born”. And just in the last week she has really gotten excited about her letters. She can count to 10 (on a good day). She has a great memory and I am often caught off guard on how much she can remember. Whether it is something I said in context that she later repeats or just remembering an animal noise she only heard once, she has a pretty sharp memory, already.

She loves to “jump” and watching her figure this out takes me straight to my happy place. Brandon has been trying to teach her how to skip, which is also a delight! And watching her play hop-scotch is hilarious! She can sing (sort of) the Happy Birthday song and if she sees cake or cupcakes, she immediately sings the song.

Our little monkey is well on her way to being potty trained. She uses the potty several times a day, although we aren’t quite ready to take the plunge into big girl underwear. I have a feeling we will have a couple of long weekends this fall where we don’t leave the house as we try to get her fully trained. As long as football is on the TV, I am pretty sure her Daddy will be fine with that! She is also doing well with limited paci use. She still uses the paci in the car and for bedtime. We have three paci’s at the house and all three of them have holes in them. She isn’t too fond of using a “broken” (as she calls it) paci and this has made the transition a little easier. Again….sometime this fall we are going to have to finally give up the paci. This one might be harder than getting her potty trained.

I look back at her this time last year and she is like a completely different child. Nothing in this world makes me more proud, brings me greater happiness or can bring me crashing to my knees quite like my child. I cannot wait to see what this world has in store for her, because I can guarantee, she has every intention of taking it by storm!

No need to get cocky

It's amazing how even after 19 months with countless colds, stomach viruses, rashes and fevers (we really love daycare) we can still feel helpless when presented with new illnesses.  This past weekend was a big one for our family (more on that later) and we were practically busy from sun-up to sun-down Friday and Saturday.  She missed a nap and definitely didn't eat her normal meals and certainly came way off her normal schedule.  So when Josie started having issues late Saturday night, we just assumed it was from over exhausted (no nap and lots of play time).  We quickly came to understand that whatever was going on wasn't just being tired.  She was uncomfortable.  Brandon was scared she was in a lot of pain.  I didn't know what to think, but she was screaming.  And most of the time she was screaming for me, while I was holding her.  This really broke my heart (and kind of freaked me out).  I won't lie....I considered taking her to the hospital.  We didn't know what else to do.  We had never experienced this with her before.  Almost as quickly as we got her settled down and back to sleep, she was up having another episode.  This went on all night long.  The screaming/crying episodes were accompanied with thrashing of her arms and legs.  It was awful.  And really scary. 

Brandon noticed her little feet had a red rash and he wondered if she had gotten a virus.  I had determined she must be suffering with gas after having eaten terrible that day and no major BM.  I probably shouldn't quit my day job to become a doctor. So much for mother's intuition. 

By morning Josie had blisters all over her little mouth, hands and feet.  She also had a diaper rash to rival most others she has experienced.  I spent most of the morning texting family and friends who had spent the two previous days loving on our baby.  There is nothing quite like an early morning wake up call "Hey...the kid is sick.  Hope yours don't get it".  We spent all day Sunday lounging around and trying to stay as low-key as possible.  I have watched enough Barney to satisfy several lifetimes. 

This morning we headed off to the doctor to confirm that, indeed, the little peanut has Hand, Foot, and Mouth disease.  This fun filled virus has a 3-6 day incubation period.  She likely caught it from someone at daycare last week and had it for several days before showing signs.  I called daycare this morning to give them the head's up and they told me they had already sent 2 kids home with the same symptoms.

All it takes is one virus to remind you that you don't have it figured out.  When Jo was a little baby and we experienced sicknesses and illnesses for the first time I was always so scared.  Are we doing things right?  Did we give her the right medicine? But, after a while,  you get used to these things and you don't question your actions.  Just when we thought we had it all under control.......she threw us a curve ball.  Babies are good like that...always keeping us on our toes.  It will take a few days, but she will get better.  And we will build our confidence up again.  And once again, she will remind us that we don't know all the answers. 





Summer has landed.

Oh man....this is bad.  I haven't blogged a single word in quite a while.  I got on this blog today and realized I started a draft back on May 28th.  Just a draft.  The first line read "Summer is quickly approaching".  This is so bad that I can't even use this draft as a starting point.  At this point, Summer has approached.  It's here.  In fact, it's so the middle of Summer already that when I went Hobby Lobby this week, they already had their fall/Christmas shelves stocked.  It's so Summer, it's almost Christmas (according to Hobby Lobby). 

So, I apologize.  Summer life has taken over.  Babies stay up later and later.  Dinners get pushed back.  Mommies get tired earlier.  Feel free to insert whatever excuse makes you comfortable with my laziness.  I assure you, it will likely apply! 

We spent a glorious week at the beach with my family.  Josie LOVED every minute of it, as did we.  There was a point this past year that we were not 100% convinced my amazing Grandma, or GG as she is known by the little ones, would be here for our annual trip.  My Grandma is 93 years old.  She was born in 1920.  Take a second to let that sink in.  1920.  Oh, the things she has seen in her lifetime.  She's truly an amazing woman for so many, many things.  This past year she suffered from two strokes.  At the age of 92.  It scared us all.  She has been a healthy woman all her life and the thought of her being ill or physically disabled or even mentally interrupted nearly brought our family to our knees.  But....by the Grace of God, at 93 beautiful years old, she is well.  She uses a cane, but only occasionally, to get around now.  Other than that, GG is as healthy as she should be.  She's remarkable.  It's just that simple.

Here is GG (great grandma) with 4 of her 9 Great Grandchildren.  That's my little Jojo on the far right.

We keep pictures on our fridge.  Just a random assortment of people who have given us pictures or ones that we are particularly fond of.  There is a picture of GG on our fridge.  Prior to going to the beach we would talk about all the people in the pictures.  When asked who she was, Josie learned that's "GG".  When we arrived at the beach, she knew immediately who this woman was!  It warmed my heart. 

All the family had a blast at the beach.  Josie spent most of her mornings covered from head to toe in sand.  She ate sand by the shovel full.  Had the sand contained any nutritional value what so ever, I would have bagged it and brought it home.  At least that way she would be eating something she actually WANTED to eat (ahh...the life of a newly picky eater).  I am not sure I have ever seen any one child so interested in consuming sand.  She loved everything about it!  She wanted to dig and fill buckets and eat!  She was content!  And so were we!

Since the arrival of Summer our lives seem to have doubled in busy.  I feel like it's my mission to be going.  All the time.  I want to be doing something.  Outside.  All.  The.  Time.  Our weekends stay booked and it makes me happy!  I love to feel like we are constantly moving.  It makes those random lazy Saturdays or Sundays so much more special.  And as most Summers do, this Summer has brought it's inevitable heat!  Usually mid-July becomes a time where people try to stay indoors as much as possible.  So far we have not experienced the sweltering heat, but I am sure it is due to arrive any day.  What do you do with a toddler who only wants to be outside in 90+ degree temperatures?  Sprinklers? 

This summer has brought on some fun new changes for us, also.  Our little lady is no longer sleeping in her crib, but instead in the crib converted to a toddler bed.  It's a pretty big deal, so if you didn't already go "OHhhhhh", feel free to do so now.  I'll wait.  We are also inching ever so close to being potty trained.  She goes on the potty 2-3 times at school each day and usually once for us at home.  Again...it's a big deal (at least in our worlds)! 

Later this month we will celebrate my Mom's 65th Birthday!  We are planning a big party and I cannot wait for us to all come together to celebrate this amazing woman!  I will do a post all about the party later!  It's going to be so much fun!  These days I am living for our Summer nights and weekends!  Some where in between I will try to find more time to blog!  Like during work hours.  Ha!



I am throwing in this last picture because I just adore it!



 

Growing up

It is hard to believe that my sweet husband and I are once again celebrating birthdays.  Where does the time go?  I find it hard to believe that another year has passed, we are this much older, and our daughter is nearly 18 months.

Happy Birthday to my amazing husband.  Thank you for being you.  You always make me laugh and your sense of humor is only one of the many reasons I am head over heels in love with you.  You are such a fantastic husband.  Before Josie was born, I thought I couldn't possibly love you more.  But, now, I see you with her and my heart swells.  Being a Dad comes so very nature to you.  It's like you were born to be a parent!  Josie loves you so much and I love watching her face light up when she sees you!  She laughs hardest and longest when playing with you.....and there is nothing sweeter!

I will cherish the fact that I get to watch the relationship between the two of you grow as she grows.  She is by far the most perfect and amazing gift you could have ever given to me!  Thank you!  Thank you for your continued love, patience, support and happiness.  Thank you for Josie.  Thank you for the life we get to have as a family of three!  It's more than I could have ever dreamed of.....and I am grateful!

Happy Birthday, my love! 

And now....a picture of our little sweetie (because it's my birthday and I can do what I want) showing off her super long hair!  Doesn't she look so grown up with all that hair?  Sweet girl!

Broken Hearted.

Our problems really are minuscule in comparison with the aftermath of Boston and Texas and different areas all over the world.  But, none the less, they are ours.  They brought sadness and despair, regardless of what level.  And I won't downplay them, although they are not nearly as traumatic.

On Friday, April 19th I got a phone call from our nurse.  She informed us that the blood pregnancy test that I submitted that morning had come back positive.  "But", she said.....and naturally my heart dropped, she didn't advise we tell many people just yet.  Our HCG levels (the pregnancy hormone- also known the beta hormone) were low.  Almost unmeasurable.  I wouldn't be surprised if my heart actually stop for a few beats at this point.  The nurse told us there may be a couple of reasons for this- 1) Sometimes it just takes a little longer for FET's to get "going" and by retesting on Monday we would know if things looked better- 2) although I was pregnant, it wasn't going to last and I would likely miscarry or loose the pregnancy and by retesting on Monday we would know if things looked worse.

By the end of the day Friday we walked away with this- I was currently pregnant, but we wouldn't know until Monday if it was going to stick.  I imagine it's unnecessary for me to say this, but on Monday we retested and my practically unmeasurable pregnancy hormone had gone down.  We had lost or were loosing the baby.  My doctor advised I stop all medications. She told me how sorry she was.  Sometimes, she said, these things just don't work out.  She reminded me that the very best embryos were used in our fresh cycle, the one that resulted in our beautiful daughter.  She informed me that we were still great candidates for another IVF ICSI fresh cycle, if we wanted to start over.  She said a lot, and I heard a lot, but I can promise you at the time I wasn't listening.  I was still stuck on the part about my pregnancy hormones going down and her phrase "I am so sorry".

This wasn't supposed to be how this ended for us.  We were supposed to get pregnant with our last chance embryos and have a happy, healthy bouncing baby.  Obviously that was the happy ending we were planning.  Friday afternoon, even with the advised warning, we walked away with hope.  Hope that although odds were not in our favor, this could still happen.  It wasn't a negative test....so how could we not have hope?  But, hope can be a scary thing, if not reined in properly.  Hope can appear to be a sweet, gentle animal that turns into a beast that bites*.

None of the decisions we make right now have to be permanent decisions.  I am so thankful for this.  We have time.  As of right now, we are planning to take a year or two....and think.  Do we want to go through another IVF ICSI cycle?  How would it be different for us in 12-24 months?  How would it be different for us financially or physically?  How would it affect Josie? 

To be brutally honest, I am not sure my body can handle another fresh cycle.  I am not certain I would be able to deal with another potential severe case of OHSS (like last time), especially not with a toddler in tow.  I do not think Josie would understand two weeks of bed rest from Momma.  And don't even get me started on the financial aspects of all of this (why are these things so freaking expensive?).  But, I can not bring myself to make any permanent lasting decisions.  Not yet.  Because in the end...these things are true.  1) we want more than anything to have another child to share our love and lives with- 2) we want Jo to be a big sister, to experience a sibling and the love that comes along with that- 3) I want to experience pregnancy, again. 

Even through our broken hearts, we hang onto our hope.  That scary beast that just bit us in the ass.  We keep it in our hearts and we nurture it and we know deep down it's a sweet animal that wants good things for us.  Because that's all we have. We will just be a little more cautious with our hope next time.  I want to scream for the rooftops "It's not FAIR"!  Because it's not.  It's never been fair.  Not for us, not for you.  Not for anyone.  One way or another, life is not fair.  But, one thing that is for sure, life goes on.  And so will we! 

We will watch our beautiful miracle of a child grow and thrive, because she is both growing and thriving more than we could ever imagine.  We will be reminded EVERY SINGLE DAY of the miracle she is for us!  She is the baby we were never guaranteed.  A tiny walking, talking, fit-throwing miracle!  We will wait and see where our lives take us.  And in the end, we are blessed.  Even on the days that seem like disasters, we are blessed.  Blessed.  I will continue to repeat....blessed.

Finally- We have had people around the country saying prayers and thinking happy thoughts for us over the past few weeks.  Our hearts break to share our sad news, but we are lifted by these prayers from friend and family and strangers alike.  Thank you.  Each and every one of you who took the time to think of us.  I can't begin to tell you how grateful we are for your continued support and love.  Thank you from the very bottom of our hearts....thank you!

*This is not my true/normal interpretation of hope, but today, it fits.

Prayer Request

It's pretty rare that I ask for prayers for myself.  I don't know why, in particular.  I guess in a way it just seems selfish (I know that probably sounds crazy).  But, if it is selfish, then today and tomorrow selfish is what I am going to be. 

Tuesday morning Brandon and I are taking off of work and getting ready for our next FET (frozen embryo transfer).  Just like our FET #1, I will wait to hear from the doctor to be sure the two embryos we have left thaw properly.  Obviously we can't move forward with the transfer until they thaw.  There is a chance they won't thaw and if this is the case, the procedure will be canceled.  These are the last of our frozen embryos.  Our last shot.  Our final babies.  If only one thaws, we will transfer one.  If they both thaw and look healthy, we will transfer BOTH embryos tomorrow!

My heart races at the thought of getting the phone call from the doctor tomorrow.  My biggest fear right now is that neither embryo will thaw and we will be without a final transfer.  I continue to try to push this out of my mind and replace those thoughts with happy, productive, optimistic thoughts.  I continue to pray for comfort and peace no matter what happens tomorrow.  But, I will be the first to admit, I am scared.  Really scared and nervous. 

If you have a minute, please say a prayer for the Bice family tomorrow.  Or maybe a prayer for our embryos.  Or maybe one for our doctor.  Or one for me- to deal with whatever outcome we may reach.  We would greatly appreciate all the prayers, good vibes, and happy thoughts we can get.  Fingers crossed!  Thank you, in advance!

Sweet Easter

The Bice household spent entirely too much time last week covered in vomit.  We washed more sheets and pj's and blankets then anyone should over the past 5 days.  And I swear, if I ever have to wash the car seat covers again, I may just decide to buy a whole new car seat!  What a pain in the butt!  Thankfully our little one is finally feeling better and back to her spunky self.  Here are a few pictures of our weekend fun!  Vomit-free pictures....I promise!



The final product!  Jojo's Easter Basket!



Easter morning! She enjoyed going through her basket!



At church with Nana and Papa

How I wish her paci wasn't in her mouth here!  Jo's cute Easter outfit! (with steadying help from Nana and Papa)

Church is exhausting!

We enjoyed our Easter weekend.  It was a nice long weekend to be sick.  Lots of rain kept us indoors most of the weekend and allowed Jo the extra rest she needed.  We spent Sunday going to church then dinner and Easter egg hunts at my parent's house! 

We are gearing up for our next FET next week.  Both Brandon and I are pretty nervous, but attempting to remain optimistic!  Think happy thoughts for us, please!  We can certainly use all the prayer, good vibes and happy thoughts you can spare!

What to put in an infant's Easter Basket

I can still call Jo an infant, if only for a few more months, so I am really going to take advantage of it.  To be honest, I am not sure where the line between infant and toddler is drawn.  I am certain I could google it and find out, but I am lazy.  So...for now, she is still an infant.

This year we have decided to make Josie an Easter basket.  I wanted to put together a basket that wasn't just candy and junk.  Although we don't allow Jo to have lots of sweets or candy, we don't restrict these treats completely.  Some candy...I can handle.  I tried to do a little research to decide what I wanted in her basket.  A little candy, a little fun, a lot of functionality.  In the end, I am sure it will be a little candy and a lot of junk.  But.....here is what we have come up with so far.......



Precious little $1 seed kits.  Who knows if they actually grow?  For $1 it's worth the fun she will have!




Kid Garden Tools!  She will love this as she is already trying to use my garden tools!

  

If our little red head is going to be "tending to her plants" outside this summer, she will need some shade for that fair skin.  We got a similar hat to this for little Jo.

*Two out of the three items above all came from Target's seasonal $1 aisle.  I have to say a big thank you to Target for making my life so much easier! 

Other fun things we are adding to Jojo's Easter Basket-
-Bubbles (you can't go wrong here)
-Giant Sidewalk Chalk (as much as this child insists on being outside this is a must)
-Bunny Rabbit stuffed animal (which is actually from last year, but she won't know)
-summer water shoes
-some candy (which is mostly for mom and dad to eat)

We are really excited for our Easter Holiday this year!  Church on Sunday with my family and Easter egg hunts and a large family dinner Sunday night!  We hope you and your family have a happy and safe Easter Holiday!

SO...there's this kid.....

First- Brandon and I have come to realize that Jo's recent "attempts" to use the potty were NOT a fluke.  This little lady went both #1 and #2 in the big girl potty over the weekend (which, by the way, we upgraded to a toilet seat attachment).  We know she is no where near "potty trained", but we are so excited for our little lady!  Way to go, Jo!

In other news, that isn't poop related, here are some recent pics of our little girl!  She amazes us everyday with how much she is learning and growing.  Her silly personality has me in stitches most days!  And her ability to be totally stubborn tests me often.  But, we wouldn't change one thing about her! 



When I picked Jo up from "school" a couple of weeks ago, she insisted on "driving".  Here she is trying to get every last drop out of Mama's water cup!




Josie likes the ducks MORE when they are across the street.  Once they are in her face, she is a little unsure of them! This is Waddle, the neighborhood "pet"!




Little cutie playing in the back yard last week with Dixie!




Helping Daddy get some work done!  Love this pic!



Quick look into the daily routine of FET's

Barren Pharmacy provides us with all of our injectable drugs for IVF.  These include needles for Lupron and Progesterone Oil.  Progesterone Oil has to be drawn from the vile by a certain gauge needle, then injected in the body by a different gauge needle.  So...for the two medications, I actually have to have 3 separate sets of needles.  Receiving our shipment of medications looked a little like this.....

I honestly feel like some sort of addict with all these needles!

Thankfully all of these shots are not taken at the same time.  Lupron shots are given in the belly and start early in the process.  They usually stop BEFORE the start of Progesterone Oil shots.

In addition to the injectables, there is a daily routine of medications that must be taken. That looks a little like this....

This picture includes my lupron shot, metformin (the giant white ones- see more about that in previous posts), estrodial (the little blue ones- which gets as high as 3 pills/day, and my prenatal vitamin (which is the horse sized maroon colored pill).  This picture does NOT include the birth control (which is taken for 2 weeks in the very beginning), the baby aspirin or the Estrogen patch which gets applied to the skin once every two days. 

Preparing the body for the FET means there are certain shots I don't have to take.....and it makes me happy!  This "routine" is actually a lighter load then the first time around with our IVF ICSI!  When it is all said and done...it's really no big deal when the final result is a beautiful baby! 

The next attempt with FET's will be in early April.  We would love to ask anyone out there reading this to send some prayers or happy thoughts our way!  We would truly appreciate it! 

Can't let go....

I could write you a list (a short one, though) of little things relating to Josie that I just can't let go of.  Our little peanut is only a handful months away from being a toddler, yet I am clutching certain baby items with a death grip, refusing to let go.

This morning, one such item came to mind, when I was awaken from my sleep.  The baby monitor.  Baby monitors were really designed for people with large houses.  Our home is comfortable and perfect for a family of 3, but large- it is not.  In fact, Josie's bedroom is directly across the hall from our bedroom.  If her crib were centered just right, I could probably throw something from my room to her crib, without even getting out of bed. 

I know the baby monitor comes in quite handy for those who have a long way to roam, which we don't.  Or even for those are comfortable going outside while the baby is sleeping.  As a tiny baby, we never did that.  As a soon-to-be toddler, even if she did wake up in the night and we were outside (doing what, I don't know?) we wouldn't go get her anyway.  We encourage her to sleep in her crib all night and self-soothe. 

The point of this is, I am still using my baby monitor like it's a necessity.  I use it like it's the first night she has ever slept in her crib and I have to be certain she is okay.  I use it like it helps.  It doesn't.  She is 7 feet away, across the hall.  I can hear every little cry or cough (because she is that close) without the device.  The monitor is not necessary.  Yet, for some reason and for my piece of mind, I turn it on every night. 

I had to chuckle at myself this morning as Jo was crying in her crib.  I heard her immediately.  No thanks to the monitor, though (that I had on, but apparently left the volume at zero).  Further proof  that I don't need that darn thing, yet I can't seem to let go of using it.  Silly, right?

Don't even get me started on how long I plan to continue to shove her little chubby thighs into her Bumbo seat (even though she is starting to master the art of standing up in the seat, thighs still engaged, and walk around) or how much longer I will let her have her morning milk out of a bottle.  It seems as though she gains a new independence everyday, but some she may have to fight for! 

The first, of many, very important life lessons

Brandon and I bought Josie a little potty about 3 weeks ago.  Considering she is only 15 months old, we recognize this may be slightly premature.  But, in our defense, there are several mornings where Josie wakes up completely dry.  Our reasoning would be to stick her on the potty immediately upon waking up dry.  How long could it really take for her to go the bathroom after holding it all night?  Can you guess how many times we have actually gotten her on the potty first thing in the morning? Let me help you here and offer a hint... It starts with zero.

Even though we are not using the potty like pros yet (please note yet is the important word here), we talk about it regularly and she sits on it at least once a day.  This evening right before bedtime she was making a huge fuss to sit on the tiny toilet. So, I got her ready and sat her on there.  She did her usual "sit down, stand up, sit down, stand up, look in the tiny bowl" routine several times.  Then, she sat down, stayed still and got very serious.  She was making all the sounds of an adult trying to use the restroom and I laughed while saying to Brandon, "she sounds like she is really trying to go"!

Then.......she stands up.  And the tiny toilet bowl is empty.  Yeah....She's 15 months old, shes not going to pee or poop in the potty, yet.  But, she continues her sit down, stand up routine a few more times.  I promise I only took my eyes off of her for 3 seconds, but I look up and guess what I see......?

She pooped!-  YEP!!!

Next...... To. The. Potty.  - uhhhh Yep.

On the floor.  - hmmm yep.

awesome.

I honestly think Josie knew she needed to go and had the absolute right intentions.  Unfortunately we would rather not encourage floor pooping.  But, this entire experience was a perfect lead into one of the more valuable life lessons we have discussed with Josie so far- Close only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades.


*and yes, I am aware this is the type of stuff most people do not want to hear about and she will be completely mortified by this one day.

**it should also be noted that we realize now we invested in the wrong type of potty.  Who wants to clean pee and poop after each successful go?  Not us.  We will be looking into something that attaches to the toilet seat.

The pharmacy that mocks me.

After our last meeting with our Fertility doctor, we were told to once again place an order for our IVF meds through Barren pharmacy.  And once again, the irony of the name of this pharmacy is not lost on me. 

Barren Pharmacy likely sells all types of drugs.  The fact that I have to special order my IVF meds from this place makes me chuckle and cringe at the same time, every time.

Really pharmacy?  Barren?  You couldn't have come up with a fluffier name that makes women who obviously can't have kids on their own feel a little less inadequate?  Ha! 

I brought this up to my doctor last week.  I thought, surely, after being in the biz for so long she, too would have had a good laugh at the irony of this name.  She was shocked.  Apparently she and none of her staff ever thought of it this way.  I hope I didn't ruin it for them.

I hate being mocked.  By a pharmacy, none the less.  Sometimes irony is hilariously harsh. Hmph.

FET #1

The morning of:
I was so nervous waiting to hear from the doctor about what time to come into the office for our first Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET). First thing that morning the doctor would have to start thawing embryos. If the first set didn't produce one good thaw, I would have to wait for the next set (each set had two frozen embryos). Brandon and I decided ahead of time that we would only transfer one embryo at a time to reduce our risk of having multiples. Although I would have loved the opportunity to have twins, it was the right choice for our family. In the meantime, I was having to fill my bladder, because a full bladder is best anytime an embryo is being transferred.

The doctor finally called around 9:08 (not that I was being totally anal and watching the phone/clock endlessly). Only one embryo survived the thawing process. Since we only planned to transfer one, we are okay to proceed (although there was some sadness over losing one embryo). I was told to come into the office at 11:45. The procedure should be completed by 12:30-12:45. Take my Valium at 11 (wahoo) and hold my bladder for at least an hour prior to the procedure. Seems so easy, right? I sure hope so.  I was pretty surprised how quickly I felt the effects of my Valium.  I was extremely smiley for the first half hour or so!  I had to remind myself that this wasn't my normal "happy" face and tried hard not to scare anyone!

The morning after:
So glad things were simpler this time around. During our first IVF experience I was already deep into OHSS by the time my transfer date arrived. This time.....no pain, no bloating or no major discomfort. People kept asking how I felt, and I kept oddly answering "Fine. Like nothing happened."   After the transfer was made, I had to lie on the "reclined exam bed" with my feet up higher than my head for about 30 minutes.  It's certainly not my most attractive angle, but the time passes much faster than you might think (thanks, Valium)!

1 day after my FET (also written 1dpfet) I had some slight cramping. But, in the long run it was brief and barely noticeable. Once again we find ourselves in the two week wait (TWW), although it will be more like 10 days for us. once again I am analyzing every feeling and twinge. Once again we are traveling down our road of complete uncertainty...and we are excited.

10dpfet:
On Feb 22nd. I went in for my blood pregnancy test and later that afternoon I got the negative results.  Brandon and I were pretty bummed.  I guess the hardest thing for me was the fact that I was so certain the transfer had worked.  We hadn't told any of our immediate family about the transfer.  With IVF#1 we never got to have that "surprise, we are pregnant" moment because we were so public about our struggles with infertility and IVF.  So this time around we were really excited to keep it a secret from our families.  Honestly, it was easier that way, too.  Knowing that we didn't have to answer any phone calls and share our sad news was a relief.  This way, we were able to tell our families on our terms. 

Learning that the FET#1 didn't work was hard, but not as hard as I had expected.  I didn't cry (more than a couple of stray tears).  We sucked it up and kept on marching.  Honestly, I thought I would be an emotional basket case, but I wasn't.  It stung and our hearts ached, but were weren't broken.  I thank Josie for that.  15 month old babies don't want to sit down long enough to enjoy pity-parties.  She's not interested in being depressed.  And having her energy and excitement when I came home that day was exactly what I needed. 

Time marches on and I am pretty certain life does, too!  We have decided to jump right back into embryo transfers and will start working towards FET#2.  It's a little scarier this time, as we both realize this will be our last time.  I will continue to remind myself that this has all been planned out for us.  Often in ways we can't understand.  What is meant to happen will happen.  It's His will and plan.  And we will continue to be thankful, daily, for our beautiful daughter!

And the process continues

IVF #2- I started writing this in January-

After the first week of medications (Birth Control and Metformin), my body started to get used to the metformin.  Thankfully I was able to ease myself back into a carb filled life and I was a much happier camper.  I am still taking the metformin, 3x's a day as much as the first week in fact, but it no longer causes the constant dramatic side effects. Although too much carbs or fried food and have me feeling pretty yucky pretty quick.

So here is what IVF #2 has amounted to so far:
1/2- Metformin and Birth Control
1/7- HSG *
1/11- Ultrasound - Start lupron shots**
1/18- last day of birth control
1/19- cycle
1/22- start estrogen pills and estrogen patch
2/1- Ultrasound and blood work
2/6- Ultrasound to check uterine lining and blood work
2/7- started progesterone oil shots (ouch)
2/9- learn to give the progesterone oil shots to myself (more on that later)
2/10- nausea (from hormones?)
2/10- fully hormonal....I am a mess!
2/12- FET...yikes....

2/13- slight cramping and abdominal twinges
2/16- nausea nausea nausea (don't remember this from IVF#1)
2/18- progesterone levels checked- all seems good
2/22- blood pregnancy test....yikes

*It's funny.  For some reason I was thinking the HSG was going to be simple blood work.  I have no clue why that was what I assumed it was, because it's not.  Nope.  Not at all.  So if you are heading into see your RE and they ordered you to have an HSG test it's actually a Hysterosalpingogram (easy for me to say, right?  Now I understand why they call it HSG).  It doesn't take very long.  What they do is place iodine dye in your cervix, then take x-rays of your uterus and fallopian tubes.  I had this done the first time...so you think I would have remembered...but apparently not.  It's totally normal to have this test done when starting the IVF process.  And chances are pretty good I will have to do this again if we have a successful pregnancy and want to "try" for more children. 

**Regular ultrasound to ensure I was ready for the Lupron shots.  I started 10 units of Lupron on this day.

Process #2 has certainly been much different than process #1.  I think a lot of it has to do with my state of mind.  I understand the process a little more this time around, although I will never brag as to knowing exactly what is going on. The process itself is insane and goes by so quickly it is hard to keep up with.  After a month or two you look back and think it's all a big blur....and it is.

This time around I did not have to go to see the RE all the time.  For #1 I felt like I was in their offices sometimes 2-3 times a week.  It makes sense.....the first time around they had to monitor my ovaries. They had to be absolutely sure my ovaries were producing healthy eggs.  They had to be certain there weren't too few and there weren't too many.  And most of all...the timing had to be absolutely perfect or my body would release the eggs on it's own and the entire process would be foiled.  So, it makes sense that I was there ALL THE TIME. 

For #2 my ovaries are practically ignored.  Since we have 4 frozen embryos, I do not need my ovaries to produce eggs.  In fact, we do not want them to function at all.  We are basically taking my ovaries completely out of the picture.  They are still making some eggs, but they are small and few and nothing to worry too much about at this point.  The best part about nixing my ovaries from process #2....no chance of suffering from OHSS this time around!  SWEET!!!

Sadly on the afternoon of 2/22 I received a call from my nurse letting me know our first FET had not resulted in a pregnancy. Both Brandon and I were pretty sad to receive this news (obviously). I think it was hardest because I was so certain I WAS pregnant. With IVF#1 I basically had zero pregnancy symptoms and was certain it had not happened. This time, I thought I knew the little feelings and twinges I was experiencing and I was sure it was leading us to a positive pregnancy test. My doctor warned me early on not to invest too much in any early symptoms, as these were often created by the multiple medications I was taking.

Although my heart hurt once my nurse told me our sad news, knowing that I had a sweet, healthy, amazing 15 month old at home, made the news much easier to take. Brandon and I are always aware that Josie is our miracle child. She happened when the odds were against. She happened while my body was doing all it could to reject IVF #1. She happened despite the fact that my husband's body planned to never give him a chance. She is our blessing.....and we know this every day. I have never dreamed of having only one child, but we know nothing about our journey has been the way we imagined.

Luckily we still have two frozen embryos. We hope to have the opportunity to try again. We hope this will lead to a healthy pregnancy. We hope Josie will end up with an additional sibling (or two). And if she doesn't...we will continue to be thankful for our beautiful blessing.

The truth behind Metformin and IVF

Written in January 2013.....

Ugh. Although "ugh" isn't likely considered a complete sentence on it's own, it is my current physical and mental state, so I am allowing it.  If only just this once.

At the beginning of this year my sweet husband and I started the journey and process to IVF #2.   And, just like it went the first time around, the process starts with a cycle.  Followed that day or soon there after with birth control and metformin.  (I realize there are those who do not follow this exact regiment for IVF....so our protocols may be a little off). 

Metformin.  Ahh, metformin.  I hate this drug with a passion.  Because of this drug I still cannot even smell greek yogurt with out feeling like I want to vomit.  I couldn't even look at chicken for the first 6 months of my pregnancy without wanting to jump off a building.  Wonder if that's normal?

For those that don't know, Metformin can be used to regulate sugar levels, hormones, ovulation cycles and reduce the risk of miscarriages, thus improving pregnancy rates in IVF.  It is a drug more commonly used in women who suffer from PCOS and who are preparing for IVF. 

The dear dear side effects of metformin are:

Nausea. (GIANT check)
Loss of appetite. (nope...the complete opposite)
Diarrhea. (check)
A metallic taste (and no...that's weird)

And the best part about these side effects?  Eating carbs seems to kick them into high gear!  So if you decide to have that english muffin for breakfast, you should expect to spend quite a bit of quality time in the bathroom the rest of the morning. 

Last time around (known from this point on as IVF #1) I was sick as a dog on Metformin.  My fertility doctor and nurses kept saying "eat low/no carb and high protein" and you will feel much better.  They suggested yogurt, chicken, cottage cheese, any kind of cheese, and protein protein protein.  So if you are wondering why greek yogurt and chicken made me want to turn tail and run...it's because those two things were the only foods I felt comfortable eating.  All the time.  Like...every meal.  And after about 2 months of that, I didn't ever ever ever want to see them ever again.  I broke up with them, and I was serious! 

So here we are, on to IVF #2, and I bet you can guess what my doctor and nurses are suggesting I eat!?    I don't know what to do.  I never experienced morning sickness with my first pregnancy (Thank you, Lord), but I am guessing this is pretty close to what morning sickness must feel like.  I am constantly dealing with nausea.  All day.  To the point where my mouth is watering and I am sure it's going to be a mad dash to the toilet.  But...all the while...I am SOOOOO hungry.  I want to eat EVERYTHING that has carbs.  Bread....potatoes....crackers....cereal.  Seriously, you don't want to know what I would do for an english muffin right now! 

It's supposed to get better.  And I know from experience that it does.  But, man oh man, it seems to be taking it's sweet time getting to that "better point". 

The reason why I can never be a cheerleader.....

Being a mom has turned out to be the most amazing and special experience!  I knew parenthood would be cool, I just didn't realize it would be so much FUN too! 

Although I love being a mommy, let's be real......it does have a few down sides.  One in particular.......being a mommy has clearly robbed me of my chance of ever jumping on a trampoline again.  Great.  Thanks motherhood.  I mean, I guess the option to jump will always be there (when a trampoline is present), but the consequences aren't nearly worth the reward.  Two words for you....weak bladder.

Does the fact that I pee a little bit every time I do Zumba or Step Class make me a better mom?  I sure hope so.  This is the only thing I am banking on to get me through those workouts. 

And sure...I know some of you are thinking (this is gross) what about kegels?

Well....what about kegels?  I am not all that impressed with that exercise.  I am always convinced I'm doing kegels wrong?  Is there a right or a wrong way to do these?  I tried to do these "often" while pregnant and I swear I never did them right.  It shouldn't be that hard, right?  Also...I am pretty sure I make a face every time I try to do them.  Just "do them in the car while you are driving" the magazine said....
Right...like I don't already have enough to concentrate on while driving.  Like I need to try and squeeze and tone and reshape my body at the same time (all the while making some weird, and no doubt, unattractive face). 

Basically...being a Mommy means you make sacrifices.  Some are more harsh than others.  In my case....my sacrifice is wearing rubber pants while jumping on trampolines....or not jumping at all.  Shesh....I should have known having a kid would ruin my chances of running away with the circus.