Our problems really are minuscule in comparison with the aftermath of Boston and Texas and different areas all over the world. But, none the less, they are ours. They brought sadness and despair, regardless of what level. And I won't downplay them, although they are not nearly as traumatic.
On Friday, April 19th I got a phone call from our nurse. She informed us that the blood pregnancy test that I submitted that morning had come back positive. "But", she said.....and naturally my heart dropped, she didn't advise we tell many people just yet. Our HCG levels (the pregnancy hormone- also known the beta hormone) were low. Almost unmeasurable. I wouldn't be surprised if my heart actually stop for a few beats at this point. The nurse told us there may be a couple of reasons for this- 1) Sometimes it just takes a little longer for FET's to get "going" and by retesting on Monday we would know if things looked better- 2) although I was pregnant, it wasn't going to last and I would likely miscarry or loose the pregnancy and by retesting on Monday we would know if things looked worse.
By the end of the day Friday we walked away with this- I was currently pregnant, but we wouldn't know until Monday if it was going to stick. I imagine it's unnecessary for me to say this, but on Monday we retested and my practically unmeasurable pregnancy hormone had gone down. We had lost or were loosing the baby. My doctor advised I stop all medications. She told me how sorry she was. Sometimes, she said, these things just don't work out. She reminded me that the very best embryos were used in our fresh cycle, the one that resulted in our beautiful daughter. She informed me that we were still great candidates for another IVF ICSI fresh cycle, if we wanted to start over. She said a lot, and I heard a lot, but I can promise you at the time I wasn't listening. I was still stuck on the part about my pregnancy hormones going down and her phrase "I am so sorry".
This wasn't supposed to be how this ended for us. We were supposed to get pregnant with our last chance embryos and have a happy, healthy bouncing baby. Obviously that was the happy ending we were planning. Friday afternoon, even with the advised warning, we walked away with hope. Hope that although odds were not in our favor, this could still happen. It wasn't a negative test....so how could we not have hope? But, hope can be a scary thing, if not reined in properly. Hope can appear to be a sweet, gentle animal that turns into a beast that bites*.
None of the decisions we make right now have to be permanent decisions. I am so thankful for this. We have time. As of right now, we are planning to take a year or two....and think. Do we want to go through another IVF ICSI cycle? How would it be different for us in 12-24 months? How would it be different for us financially or physically? How would it affect Josie?
To be brutally honest, I am not sure my body can handle another fresh cycle. I am not certain I would be able to deal with another potential severe case of OHSS (like last time), especially not with a toddler in tow. I do not think Josie would understand two weeks of bed rest from Momma. And don't even get me started on the financial aspects of all of this (why are these things so freaking expensive?). But, I can not bring myself to make any permanent lasting decisions. Not yet. Because in the end...these things are true. 1) we want more than anything to have another child to share our love and lives with- 2) we want Jo to be a big sister, to experience a sibling and the love that comes along with that- 3) I want to experience pregnancy, again.
Even through our broken hearts, we hang onto our hope. That scary beast that just bit us in the ass. We keep it in our hearts and we nurture it and we know deep down it's a sweet animal that wants good things for us. Because that's all we have. We will just be a little more cautious with our hope next time. I want to scream for the rooftops "It's not FAIR"! Because it's not. It's never been fair. Not for us, not for you. Not for anyone. One way or another, life is not fair. But, one thing that is for sure, life goes on. And so will we!
We will watch our beautiful miracle of a child grow and thrive, because she is both growing and thriving more than we could ever imagine. We will be reminded EVERY SINGLE DAY of the miracle she is for us! She is the baby we were never guaranteed. A tiny walking, talking, fit-throwing miracle! We will wait and see where our lives take us. And in the end, we are blessed. Even on the days that seem like disasters, we are blessed. Blessed. I will continue to repeat....blessed.
Finally- We have had people around the country saying prayers and thinking happy thoughts for us over the past few weeks. Our hearts break to share our sad news, but we are lifted by these prayers from friend and family and strangers alike. Thank you. Each and every one of you who took the time to think of us. I can't begin to tell you how grateful we are for your continued support and love. Thank you from the very bottom of our hearts....thank you!
*This is not my true/normal interpretation of hope, but today, it fits.
Showing posts with label failed FET. Show all posts
Showing posts with label failed FET. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
FET #1
The morning of:
I was so nervous waiting to hear from the doctor about what time to come into the office for our first Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET). First thing that morning the doctor would have to start thawing embryos. If the first set didn't produce one good thaw, I would have to wait for the next set (each set had two frozen embryos). Brandon and I decided ahead of time that we would only transfer one embryo at a time to reduce our risk of having multiples. Although I would have loved the opportunity to have twins, it was the right choice for our family. In the meantime, I was having to fill my bladder, because a full bladder is best anytime an embryo is being transferred.
The doctor finally called around 9:08 (not that I was being totally anal and watching the phone/clock endlessly). Only one embryo survived the thawing process. Since we only planned to transfer one, we are okay to proceed (although there was some sadness over losing one embryo). I was told to come into the office at 11:45. The procedure should be completed by 12:30-12:45. Take my Valium at 11 (wahoo) and hold my bladder for at least an hour prior to the procedure. Seems so easy, right? I sure hope so. I was pretty surprised how quickly I felt the effects of my Valium. I was extremely smiley for the first half hour or so! I had to remind myself that this wasn't my normal "happy" face and tried hard not to scare anyone!
The morning after:
So glad things were simpler this time around. During our first IVF experience I was already deep into OHSS by the time my transfer date arrived. This time.....no pain, no bloating or no major discomfort. People kept asking how I felt, and I kept oddly answering "Fine. Like nothing happened." After the transfer was made, I had to lie on the "reclined exam bed" with my feet up higher than my head for about 30 minutes. It's certainly not my most attractive angle, but the time passes much faster than you might think (thanks, Valium)!
1 day after my FET (also written 1dpfet) I had some slight cramping. But, in the long run it was brief and barely noticeable. Once again we find ourselves in the two week wait (TWW), although it will be more like 10 days for us. once again I am analyzing every feeling and twinge. Once again we are traveling down our road of complete uncertainty...and we are excited.
10dpfet:
On Feb 22nd. I went in for my blood pregnancy test and later that afternoon I got the negative results. Brandon and I were pretty bummed. I guess the hardest thing for me was the fact that I was so certain the transfer had worked. We hadn't told any of our immediate family about the transfer. With IVF#1 we never got to have that "surprise, we are pregnant" moment because we were so public about our struggles with infertility and IVF. So this time around we were really excited to keep it a secret from our families. Honestly, it was easier that way, too. Knowing that we didn't have to answer any phone calls and share our sad news was a relief. This way, we were able to tell our families on our terms.
Learning that the FET#1 didn't work was hard, but not as hard as I had expected. I didn't cry (more than a couple of stray tears). We sucked it up and kept on marching. Honestly, I thought I would be an emotional basket case, but I wasn't. It stung and our hearts ached, but were weren't broken. I thank Josie for that. 15 month old babies don't want to sit down long enough to enjoy pity-parties. She's not interested in being depressed. And having her energy and excitement when I came home that day was exactly what I needed.
Time marches on and I am pretty certain life does, too! We have decided to jump right back into embryo transfers and will start working towards FET#2. It's a little scarier this time, as we both realize this will be our last time. I will continue to remind myself that this has all been planned out for us. Often in ways we can't understand. What is meant to happen will happen. It's His will and plan. And we will continue to be thankful, daily, for our beautiful daughter!
I was so nervous waiting to hear from the doctor about what time to come into the office for our first Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET). First thing that morning the doctor would have to start thawing embryos. If the first set didn't produce one good thaw, I would have to wait for the next set (each set had two frozen embryos). Brandon and I decided ahead of time that we would only transfer one embryo at a time to reduce our risk of having multiples. Although I would have loved the opportunity to have twins, it was the right choice for our family. In the meantime, I was having to fill my bladder, because a full bladder is best anytime an embryo is being transferred.
The doctor finally called around 9:08 (not that I was being totally anal and watching the phone/clock endlessly). Only one embryo survived the thawing process. Since we only planned to transfer one, we are okay to proceed (although there was some sadness over losing one embryo). I was told to come into the office at 11:45. The procedure should be completed by 12:30-12:45. Take my Valium at 11 (wahoo) and hold my bladder for at least an hour prior to the procedure. Seems so easy, right? I sure hope so. I was pretty surprised how quickly I felt the effects of my Valium. I was extremely smiley for the first half hour or so! I had to remind myself that this wasn't my normal "happy" face and tried hard not to scare anyone!
The morning after:
So glad things were simpler this time around. During our first IVF experience I was already deep into OHSS by the time my transfer date arrived. This time.....no pain, no bloating or no major discomfort. People kept asking how I felt, and I kept oddly answering "Fine. Like nothing happened." After the transfer was made, I had to lie on the "reclined exam bed" with my feet up higher than my head for about 30 minutes. It's certainly not my most attractive angle, but the time passes much faster than you might think (thanks, Valium)!
1 day after my FET (also written 1dpfet) I had some slight cramping. But, in the long run it was brief and barely noticeable. Once again we find ourselves in the two week wait (TWW), although it will be more like 10 days for us. once again I am analyzing every feeling and twinge. Once again we are traveling down our road of complete uncertainty...and we are excited.
10dpfet:
On Feb 22nd. I went in for my blood pregnancy test and later that afternoon I got the negative results. Brandon and I were pretty bummed. I guess the hardest thing for me was the fact that I was so certain the transfer had worked. We hadn't told any of our immediate family about the transfer. With IVF#1 we never got to have that "surprise, we are pregnant" moment because we were so public about our struggles with infertility and IVF. So this time around we were really excited to keep it a secret from our families. Honestly, it was easier that way, too. Knowing that we didn't have to answer any phone calls and share our sad news was a relief. This way, we were able to tell our families on our terms.
Learning that the FET#1 didn't work was hard, but not as hard as I had expected. I didn't cry (more than a couple of stray tears). We sucked it up and kept on marching. Honestly, I thought I would be an emotional basket case, but I wasn't. It stung and our hearts ached, but were weren't broken. I thank Josie for that. 15 month old babies don't want to sit down long enough to enjoy pity-parties. She's not interested in being depressed. And having her energy and excitement when I came home that day was exactly what I needed.
Time marches on and I am pretty certain life does, too! We have decided to jump right back into embryo transfers and will start working towards FET#2. It's a little scarier this time, as we both realize this will be our last time. I will continue to remind myself that this has all been planned out for us. Often in ways we can't understand. What is meant to happen will happen. It's His will and plan. And we will continue to be thankful, daily, for our beautiful daughter!
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