Over the past few weeks I have had a strange, new sinking feeling in my gut. And no, it's not the excess of Halloween candy! I have been having mixed feelings about our plan to try IVF ICSI in January (yes, just months after announcing our decision to try again). When it comes to the IVF process, I have always been the one who was ready to GO, GO, GO with almost no questions asked. Having doubts (outside of the regular "will this work" doubt) about starting a new round is completely new and foreign to me.
This morning, I sat at our kitchen island sipping coffee while Brandon made breakfast (he truly is a keeper). We had a rare moment of adult conversation, while Josie played in the living room! I contemplated telling Brandon about my recent reservations against another round of IVF ICSI. Since it appeared we had a few moments to talk, I decided to dive into my thoughts. As I talked through my recent feelings, I could actually see the stress and anxiety lifting from my husband's shoulders.
We have both had reservations about this new round of IVF ICSI, that much we have discussed already. But diving deeper into the plan, we both agree the timing, the doctors, the financial aspects and the potential new insurance coverage have felt "off". My amazing husband had these reservations already, but was planning to go through with it all, knowing how much I wanted to have another baby. Up until the past month, my thoughts on having another baby and being pregnant again have been coupled with urgency! It had to be something that was done and as soon as we could possibly handle it. All of a sudden that urgency has been replaced by contentment. Life is good for us right now! We have an amazing little girl who will turn 4 in less than two weeks! We no longer deal with diapers and bottles and teething, and the inability to do most tasks. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty more life phases we are preparing ourselves for, but as of right now, life is good!
Both Brandon and I agree that we want another child. But, we also agree that now does not feel like the right time. I don't know why, but it just doesn't seem right. Maybe there is something else waiting to happen to us in the next few months. Maybe there are other opportunities that we are meant to encounter that we don't even know exist. In my heart, I just know the timing is wrong. So, for now, we are planning to put IVF ICSI on the back burner. We plan to revisit this possibility in 6 months or so. We will see where our heads and our hearts are then. For now, we are going to enjoy our perfect little family and making lots of fun memories!
Showing posts with label IVF ICSI. Show all posts
Showing posts with label IVF ICSI. Show all posts
Saturday, November 7, 2015
Tuesday, September 29, 2015
Where it all began- A recap of our IVF journey part 1
Brandon and I were married in 2008. For us, there was never any doubt about having children. Initially, our only real question revolved around when to start. Very shortly after getting married we considered starting right away. The more we talked about it, the more we realized we needed some time. Time to enjoy married life, time to enjoy our friends and time to save and mentally prepare ourselves for the idea of being someone's parent. Little did we know that in the end we would have more time than we ever dreamed of and that NO amount of time will ever properly prepare you to be called mama or dada.
Apparently sometime in 2009 we decided we were ready. We were prepared to bring another life into this world and be responsible for that life (ha). Shortly before we made this decision I had seen my doctor. I let her know we were thinking about starting our family and if she had any suggestions or immediate or obvious concerns, I would love to hear them. My doctor said to me "You are young and you are healthy. If you try for more than 6 months with no success, come back and we can talk." Of course, at the time I was sure we would have no problems and I would be back only when I was pregnant. I will never understand why my doctor told me to try for only 6 months and not at least a year like I so often hear from other people, but in the end I was grateful.
Approximately 8 long, frustrating, and sad months later I made an appointment to return to the doctor to discuss possible complications with conceiving. I had tracked my periods for the past 6 months, knew my ovulation days and could tell you, almost to the minute what was happening with my cycle. My doctor drew blood and ran all the normal tests to determine what might be causing issues. Once my results were in, we would have a better idea of where a good starting point might be. I got a phone call later that all my labs were fine. The next step, my doctor informed me, was to have a semen analysis.
If I had to guess, I would say that most men would be apprehensive about giving semen specimens for testing. My sweet husband, like most, shared this apprehension. Thankfully, he knew this was the only way we could move forward with our process. Since my doctor had arranged for us to work with the clinic that would do the test on the semen, I was actually the one to receive the phone call once the results were in. At the time, I was working in the Development Department of a local non-profit and on this day in particular, I was setting up an event. I got the phone call from my doctor about an hour before our event began....not exactly the best timing.
First, I was reminded that a normal or average semen sample contains between 40 million and 300 million sperm. Anything below 20 million sperm per sample is considered a low sperm count. Okay, I think to myself, I must need to prepare myself for a low number. I keep thinking she is going to tell me my husband has between 200,000 and 300,000 or something. A number that, although very low in standards of average samples, still exists and can be worked with. I was not prepared to hear that my husband's sample came back with zero sperm. Not one. Not a single one. It's quite rare, she tells me. It's a condition called Azoospermia. Azo-what, I think? Freaking great, now who is going to tell my husband?
Apparently sometime in 2009 we decided we were ready. We were prepared to bring another life into this world and be responsible for that life (ha). Shortly before we made this decision I had seen my doctor. I let her know we were thinking about starting our family and if she had any suggestions or immediate or obvious concerns, I would love to hear them. My doctor said to me "You are young and you are healthy. If you try for more than 6 months with no success, come back and we can talk." Of course, at the time I was sure we would have no problems and I would be back only when I was pregnant. I will never understand why my doctor told me to try for only 6 months and not at least a year like I so often hear from other people, but in the end I was grateful.
Approximately 8 long, frustrating, and sad months later I made an appointment to return to the doctor to discuss possible complications with conceiving. I had tracked my periods for the past 6 months, knew my ovulation days and could tell you, almost to the minute what was happening with my cycle. My doctor drew blood and ran all the normal tests to determine what might be causing issues. Once my results were in, we would have a better idea of where a good starting point might be. I got a phone call later that all my labs were fine. The next step, my doctor informed me, was to have a semen analysis.
If I had to guess, I would say that most men would be apprehensive about giving semen specimens for testing. My sweet husband, like most, shared this apprehension. Thankfully, he knew this was the only way we could move forward with our process. Since my doctor had arranged for us to work with the clinic that would do the test on the semen, I was actually the one to receive the phone call once the results were in. At the time, I was working in the Development Department of a local non-profit and on this day in particular, I was setting up an event. I got the phone call from my doctor about an hour before our event began....not exactly the best timing.
First, I was reminded that a normal or average semen sample contains between 40 million and 300 million sperm. Anything below 20 million sperm per sample is considered a low sperm count. Okay, I think to myself, I must need to prepare myself for a low number. I keep thinking she is going to tell me my husband has between 200,000 and 300,000 or something. A number that, although very low in standards of average samples, still exists and can be worked with. I was not prepared to hear that my husband's sample came back with zero sperm. Not one. Not a single one. It's quite rare, she tells me. It's a condition called Azoospermia. Azo-what, I think? Freaking great, now who is going to tell my husband?
To be continued.....
Tuesday, September 15, 2015
Hello World!
Oh my... It's been so many months since I visited the blog world that I was dreading even opening my blogger account. Life carries on, as we all know, whether we want it to or not. And not surprisingly, the blogger world has continued to turn even in my absence. In March 2014 the Bice family moved from Knoxville, TN to Champaign, IL. I approached this move as an adventure for our entire family. Moving 500 miles from our family and friends was scary and overwhelming, but calling it an adventure took a lot of the anxiety out of it for me. Go figure.
Brandon really loves the company that he works for and I am grateful I to have the opportunity to stay home with Josie. It has been a learning experience, for both her and I, to say the least. I wasn't sure we would survive the first few weeks together, but once we established a routine life became much simpler. Two weeks ago Jojo started preschool (whhaaat....my baby) and two weeks ago I started something new, too! It's called peeing in privacy and it's amazing. Although we love our time together, preschool has been a pleasant break for us both. I plan to use this extra time (which is actually only a few hours a day, two days a week) to start writing again and running OUTSIDE again and reminding myself that the task of grocery shopping ISN'T a punishment from God.
Although the blog will include our everyday happenings, I want to focus a lot of my blog energy on our struggles through infertility and the process that comes with IVF ICSI. Everything from initial diagnosis, meeting doctors, costs to conception. IVF and IVF ICSI are not for the faint of heart. Infertility comes with hundreds of questions, symptoms and diagnosis and if I can help at least one person better understand their situation or simply learn from my own, I would be happy! Brandon and I plan or start a brand new round of IVF ICSI in January with a brand new doctor in a semi-new state. I plan to blog every step of the way! So check back often for updates and new information. Maybe we will walk this road together....maybe you aren't as alone in this journey as you thought!
Monday, December 9, 2013
Yikes.....I've got the fever
Ah....jeez....
I have it. I have it, bad. I've got Baby Fever! Baby fever is tough for anyone to deal with, especially those who have to wait or even worse....those who can't on their own.
And it's not just baby fever- I don't necessarily miss those multiple night feedings and days of little to no sleep. I don't necessarily miss spending weeks on end in a zombie like- half awake, half asleep- state. Our bodies adjust and we move past that, but it's still not my favorite phase of parenting.
You know what I am really longing for? Being pregnant! I am sure some women will shriek at hearing that, but it's true. Sure....we had a hard time getting pregnant, but once we actually GOT pregnant it was smooth sailing. We had a fairly uneventful pregnancy and I had the luxury of enjoying every minute. I LOVED feeling my body grow and change. I LOVED knowing I was "housing" our little peanut! And I truly LOVED feeling her move and turn and kick and live! Last night I stopped to think about when my water broke. Initially it scared the hell out of me. And for about 60 seconds I got nervous and cried about two tears. After that.....the excitement of knowing I was getting ready to meet my daughter took hold and I never looked back!
I want that. I want that growing belly. I want those swift baby kicks to the bladder! I want it all, even the late night feedings, again! I am ready.....
How I wish it was all that easy for us. Shessh....what we wouldn't do to just be able to be pregnant again. So many of my friends are now going through their own infertility journeys. It breaks my heart to see anyone else struggle the way we did! I hope they get Blessed with their very own miracle babe and maybe we will be blessed again, one day, too!
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Broken Hearted.
Our problems really are minuscule in comparison with the aftermath of Boston and Texas and different areas all over the world. But, none the less, they are ours. They brought sadness and despair, regardless of what level. And I won't downplay them, although they are not nearly as traumatic.
On Friday, April 19th I got a phone call from our nurse. She informed us that the blood pregnancy test that I submitted that morning had come back positive. "But", she said.....and naturally my heart dropped, she didn't advise we tell many people just yet. Our HCG levels (the pregnancy hormone- also known the beta hormone) were low. Almost unmeasurable. I wouldn't be surprised if my heart actually stop for a few beats at this point. The nurse told us there may be a couple of reasons for this- 1) Sometimes it just takes a little longer for FET's to get "going" and by retesting on Monday we would know if things looked better- 2) although I was pregnant, it wasn't going to last and I would likely miscarry or loose the pregnancy and by retesting on Monday we would know if things looked worse.
By the end of the day Friday we walked away with this- I was currently pregnant, but we wouldn't know until Monday if it was going to stick. I imagine it's unnecessary for me to say this, but on Monday we retested and my practically unmeasurable pregnancy hormone had gone down. We had lost or were loosing the baby. My doctor advised I stop all medications. She told me how sorry she was. Sometimes, she said, these things just don't work out. She reminded me that the very best embryos were used in our fresh cycle, the one that resulted in our beautiful daughter. She informed me that we were still great candidates for another IVF ICSI fresh cycle, if we wanted to start over. She said a lot, and I heard a lot, but I can promise you at the time I wasn't listening. I was still stuck on the part about my pregnancy hormones going down and her phrase "I am so sorry".
This wasn't supposed to be how this ended for us. We were supposed to get pregnant with our last chance embryos and have a happy, healthy bouncing baby. Obviously that was the happy ending we were planning. Friday afternoon, even with the advised warning, we walked away with hope. Hope that although odds were not in our favor, this could still happen. It wasn't a negative test....so how could we not have hope? But, hope can be a scary thing, if not reined in properly. Hope can appear to be a sweet, gentle animal that turns into a beast that bites*.
None of the decisions we make right now have to be permanent decisions. I am so thankful for this. We have time. As of right now, we are planning to take a year or two....and think. Do we want to go through another IVF ICSI cycle? How would it be different for us in 12-24 months? How would it be different for us financially or physically? How would it affect Josie?
To be brutally honest, I am not sure my body can handle another fresh cycle. I am not certain I would be able to deal with another potential severe case of OHSS (like last time), especially not with a toddler in tow. I do not think Josie would understand two weeks of bed rest from Momma. And don't even get me started on the financial aspects of all of this (why are these things so freaking expensive?). But, I can not bring myself to make any permanent lasting decisions. Not yet. Because in the end...these things are true. 1) we want more than anything to have another child to share our love and lives with- 2) we want Jo to be a big sister, to experience a sibling and the love that comes along with that- 3) I want to experience pregnancy, again.
Even through our broken hearts, we hang onto our hope. That scary beast that just bit us in the ass. We keep it in our hearts and we nurture it and we know deep down it's a sweet animal that wants good things for us. Because that's all we have. We will just be a little more cautious with our hope next time. I want to scream for the rooftops "It's not FAIR"! Because it's not. It's never been fair. Not for us, not for you. Not for anyone. One way or another, life is not fair. But, one thing that is for sure, life goes on. And so will we!
We will watch our beautiful miracle of a child grow and thrive, because she is both growing and thriving more than we could ever imagine. We will be reminded EVERY SINGLE DAY of the miracle she is for us! She is the baby we were never guaranteed. A tiny walking, talking, fit-throwing miracle! We will wait and see where our lives take us. And in the end, we are blessed. Even on the days that seem like disasters, we are blessed. Blessed. I will continue to repeat....blessed.
Finally- We have had people around the country saying prayers and thinking happy thoughts for us over the past few weeks. Our hearts break to share our sad news, but we are lifted by these prayers from friend and family and strangers alike. Thank you. Each and every one of you who took the time to think of us. I can't begin to tell you how grateful we are for your continued support and love. Thank you from the very bottom of our hearts....thank you!
*This is not my true/normal interpretation of hope, but today, it fits.
On Friday, April 19th I got a phone call from our nurse. She informed us that the blood pregnancy test that I submitted that morning had come back positive. "But", she said.....and naturally my heart dropped, she didn't advise we tell many people just yet. Our HCG levels (the pregnancy hormone- also known the beta hormone) were low. Almost unmeasurable. I wouldn't be surprised if my heart actually stop for a few beats at this point. The nurse told us there may be a couple of reasons for this- 1) Sometimes it just takes a little longer for FET's to get "going" and by retesting on Monday we would know if things looked better- 2) although I was pregnant, it wasn't going to last and I would likely miscarry or loose the pregnancy and by retesting on Monday we would know if things looked worse.
By the end of the day Friday we walked away with this- I was currently pregnant, but we wouldn't know until Monday if it was going to stick. I imagine it's unnecessary for me to say this, but on Monday we retested and my practically unmeasurable pregnancy hormone had gone down. We had lost or were loosing the baby. My doctor advised I stop all medications. She told me how sorry she was. Sometimes, she said, these things just don't work out. She reminded me that the very best embryos were used in our fresh cycle, the one that resulted in our beautiful daughter. She informed me that we were still great candidates for another IVF ICSI fresh cycle, if we wanted to start over. She said a lot, and I heard a lot, but I can promise you at the time I wasn't listening. I was still stuck on the part about my pregnancy hormones going down and her phrase "I am so sorry".
This wasn't supposed to be how this ended for us. We were supposed to get pregnant with our last chance embryos and have a happy, healthy bouncing baby. Obviously that was the happy ending we were planning. Friday afternoon, even with the advised warning, we walked away with hope. Hope that although odds were not in our favor, this could still happen. It wasn't a negative test....so how could we not have hope? But, hope can be a scary thing, if not reined in properly. Hope can appear to be a sweet, gentle animal that turns into a beast that bites*.
None of the decisions we make right now have to be permanent decisions. I am so thankful for this. We have time. As of right now, we are planning to take a year or two....and think. Do we want to go through another IVF ICSI cycle? How would it be different for us in 12-24 months? How would it be different for us financially or physically? How would it affect Josie?
To be brutally honest, I am not sure my body can handle another fresh cycle. I am not certain I would be able to deal with another potential severe case of OHSS (like last time), especially not with a toddler in tow. I do not think Josie would understand two weeks of bed rest from Momma. And don't even get me started on the financial aspects of all of this (why are these things so freaking expensive?). But, I can not bring myself to make any permanent lasting decisions. Not yet. Because in the end...these things are true. 1) we want more than anything to have another child to share our love and lives with- 2) we want Jo to be a big sister, to experience a sibling and the love that comes along with that- 3) I want to experience pregnancy, again.
Even through our broken hearts, we hang onto our hope. That scary beast that just bit us in the ass. We keep it in our hearts and we nurture it and we know deep down it's a sweet animal that wants good things for us. Because that's all we have. We will just be a little more cautious with our hope next time. I want to scream for the rooftops "It's not FAIR"! Because it's not. It's never been fair. Not for us, not for you. Not for anyone. One way or another, life is not fair. But, one thing that is for sure, life goes on. And so will we!
We will watch our beautiful miracle of a child grow and thrive, because she is both growing and thriving more than we could ever imagine. We will be reminded EVERY SINGLE DAY of the miracle she is for us! She is the baby we were never guaranteed. A tiny walking, talking, fit-throwing miracle! We will wait and see where our lives take us. And in the end, we are blessed. Even on the days that seem like disasters, we are blessed. Blessed. I will continue to repeat....blessed.
Finally- We have had people around the country saying prayers and thinking happy thoughts for us over the past few weeks. Our hearts break to share our sad news, but we are lifted by these prayers from friend and family and strangers alike. Thank you. Each and every one of you who took the time to think of us. I can't begin to tell you how grateful we are for your continued support and love. Thank you from the very bottom of our hearts....thank you!
*This is not my true/normal interpretation of hope, but today, it fits.
Monday, November 7, 2011
9 days left....random thoughts followed by more emotions. This pregnancy should really end soon!
Are you sick of reading about my pregnancy in EVERY.SINGLE.BLOGPOST? Yeah....me too. Sorry. I guess it's all I really have to talk about right now, considering there is a giant human child growing inside of me. The good news is.....With this baby arriving any day now, this may be the last (or close to last) pregnancy post you have to read. If that is not enough to satisfy you....then, please, feel free to stop reading right now.
Now...some final comments on this pregnancy.......
I laugh at myself each morning for putting on my wedding band and engagement ring. Even while putting them on, I know they won't stay on my finger for more than an hour or two before my ring finger is turning a shade of blue and I am desperately trying to get them off. Every single day I have at least one moment of panic that I can't get the rings off my newly fattened sausage finger, you think I would learn to just not wear them. Swelling.....thanks so much!
I haven't dilated more than 1 cm in the past three weeks. I go back to the doctor tomorrow and am truly hoping for some good news. Please, please, please don't let me be that lady who has to be induced at 1 cm. This is my only true fear right now. Being naive is what has gotten me through this pregnancy.
I don't want to go past my due date, for many reasons....but the biggest reason is because I don't want to have to spend Thanksgiving in the hospital. How am I supposed to enjoy the smells of turkey, dressing, and homemade goodies from my mom when all I can really smell is antiseptic, cleaning products, and other gross hospital smells (and don't act like you don't know that hospitals smell funny). I have 9 days left where it can be about me.....and I want Thanksgiving at home.......yeah, I know....it's disgustingly selfish (and trust me, I feel really awful for saying it).
Sometimes in the middle of the night when I wake up to pee, for a moment I totally forget that I am pregnant. That moment fades the second I try to get out of bed. These days, I resort to a Roll/Shift/Pull method.....and that's just to get me sitting up on the edge of the bed. Actually getting out of the bed is a whole other method of it's own. If this pregnancy has taught me anything, it's that core strength truly IS as important as all those trainers have been telling us for years. Also....I don't ever want to be 30 pounds overweight (and not pregnant)....it's too much stress and strain on muscles and joints.
I attempted to paint my toenails last night. First off, I am shocked this didn't sent me into labor. Second, I am in desperate need of a pedicure. Every time I put on shoes with shoe laces I cuss because it's so freaking uncomfortable to get my feet close enough to pull off this maneuver. I also say a prayer that they don't come untied during the day and I back the prayer up with double (and sometimes triple) knotting. Shoe laces coming untied would be a complete disaster in my life right now.
I have some co-workers who ask me EVERY MORNING when I come to work "You are here? (yes...they phrase it like a question) So, you didn't have the baby yet?" I won't even go into the responses that run through my head with these questions. I will tell you, it takes everything inside of me to not be a total and complete smart ass. EVERYTHING.
Nothing warms my heart more than listening to Brandon tell me how excited he is to meet his daughter and how much he can't wait to see her and hold her in his arms. I know, already, that he will be an amazing father. He already loves his little girl so much! It gives me confidence and hope that together we will be good parents, even when we have NO clue as to what we are doing!
Having said that, Brandon is requesting that Josie arrive during the evening of Friday, November 18th. Apparently there is good stuff on TV that night and if she would be so inclined as to grant him this one itsy bitsy tiny favor, he feels as though the time in the hospital could be spent wisely with television programming, Football games, etc. I laugh every time he tells me this, but at the same time, I have a sinking feeling he may get his wish. Wouldn't that be nuts?
Sometimes I forget how lucky we are. Not only that we are getting ready to become a family of three, but that this has been such an easy, stress-free pregnancy. I forget that this child is our miracle. Too easily I forget that it can be incredibly rare to get pregnant the first go around with IVF ICSI! Sometimes I forget the year of pain, emotional and physical, that Brandon and I both endured to get here. Too often I forget that this could be our one chance at a biological child. Somewhere along the way we went from the couple struggling with infertility to your average, every day parents-to-be. I have to say, I prefer that latter. At some point we will have to go back to being that couple who struggles with infertility (if we want more children), but for now....we are soaking up the idea that we are no more than your typical, naive, scared, clueless, every-day, run of the mill, parents to be! And for once.....we are completely comfortable with each of those adjectives!!! Infertility can be your dark secret, but Brandon and I have felt good about sharing our struggles and concerns along the way. I truly hope that some how, in the end, the blog posts that focused more on what we were going through will help someone else in their struggle. I know just writing about it often helped me.
My final thoughts on this matter (for now)....Josie Noelle is our blessing. I get emotional and teary-eyed every time I think about the fact that we get to meet her in just a few short days. No amount of swelling or weight gain or pain will ever change the fact that we would do this a thousand times over if it meant we got to go through this journey again! Every year we add things to our list of all that we are thankful for.....this year, our list will grow by leaps and bounds! This year, our greatest gift and blessing will be meeting our daughter and finally telling her how long we have waited for her, and how much we love her!
Now...some final comments on this pregnancy.......
I laugh at myself each morning for putting on my wedding band and engagement ring. Even while putting them on, I know they won't stay on my finger for more than an hour or two before my ring finger is turning a shade of blue and I am desperately trying to get them off. Every single day I have at least one moment of panic that I can't get the rings off my newly fattened sausage finger, you think I would learn to just not wear them. Swelling.....thanks so much!
I haven't dilated more than 1 cm in the past three weeks. I go back to the doctor tomorrow and am truly hoping for some good news. Please, please, please don't let me be that lady who has to be induced at 1 cm. This is my only true fear right now. Being naive is what has gotten me through this pregnancy.
I don't want to go past my due date, for many reasons....but the biggest reason is because I don't want to have to spend Thanksgiving in the hospital. How am I supposed to enjoy the smells of turkey, dressing, and homemade goodies from my mom when all I can really smell is antiseptic, cleaning products, and other gross hospital smells (and don't act like you don't know that hospitals smell funny). I have 9 days left where it can be about me.....and I want Thanksgiving at home.......yeah, I know....it's disgustingly selfish (and trust me, I feel really awful for saying it).
Sometimes in the middle of the night when I wake up to pee, for a moment I totally forget that I am pregnant. That moment fades the second I try to get out of bed. These days, I resort to a Roll/Shift/Pull method.....and that's just to get me sitting up on the edge of the bed. Actually getting out of the bed is a whole other method of it's own. If this pregnancy has taught me anything, it's that core strength truly IS as important as all those trainers have been telling us for years. Also....I don't ever want to be 30 pounds overweight (and not pregnant)....it's too much stress and strain on muscles and joints.
I attempted to paint my toenails last night. First off, I am shocked this didn't sent me into labor. Second, I am in desperate need of a pedicure. Every time I put on shoes with shoe laces I cuss because it's so freaking uncomfortable to get my feet close enough to pull off this maneuver. I also say a prayer that they don't come untied during the day and I back the prayer up with double (and sometimes triple) knotting. Shoe laces coming untied would be a complete disaster in my life right now.
I have some co-workers who ask me EVERY MORNING when I come to work "You are here? (yes...they phrase it like a question) So, you didn't have the baby yet?" I won't even go into the responses that run through my head with these questions. I will tell you, it takes everything inside of me to not be a total and complete smart ass. EVERYTHING.
Nothing warms my heart more than listening to Brandon tell me how excited he is to meet his daughter and how much he can't wait to see her and hold her in his arms. I know, already, that he will be an amazing father. He already loves his little girl so much! It gives me confidence and hope that together we will be good parents, even when we have NO clue as to what we are doing!
Having said that, Brandon is requesting that Josie arrive during the evening of Friday, November 18th. Apparently there is good stuff on TV that night and if she would be so inclined as to grant him this one itsy bitsy tiny favor, he feels as though the time in the hospital could be spent wisely with television programming, Football games, etc. I laugh every time he tells me this, but at the same time, I have a sinking feeling he may get his wish. Wouldn't that be nuts?
Sometimes I forget how lucky we are. Not only that we are getting ready to become a family of three, but that this has been such an easy, stress-free pregnancy. I forget that this child is our miracle. Too easily I forget that it can be incredibly rare to get pregnant the first go around with IVF ICSI! Sometimes I forget the year of pain, emotional and physical, that Brandon and I both endured to get here. Too often I forget that this could be our one chance at a biological child. Somewhere along the way we went from the couple struggling with infertility to your average, every day parents-to-be. I have to say, I prefer that latter. At some point we will have to go back to being that couple who struggles with infertility (if we want more children), but for now....we are soaking up the idea that we are no more than your typical, naive, scared, clueless, every-day, run of the mill, parents to be! And for once.....we are completely comfortable with each of those adjectives!!! Infertility can be your dark secret, but Brandon and I have felt good about sharing our struggles and concerns along the way. I truly hope that some how, in the end, the blog posts that focused more on what we were going through will help someone else in their struggle. I know just writing about it often helped me.
My final thoughts on this matter (for now)....Josie Noelle is our blessing. I get emotional and teary-eyed every time I think about the fact that we get to meet her in just a few short days. No amount of swelling or weight gain or pain will ever change the fact that we would do this a thousand times over if it meant we got to go through this journey again! Every year we add things to our list of all that we are thankful for.....this year, our list will grow by leaps and bounds! This year, our greatest gift and blessing will be meeting our daughter and finally telling her how long we have waited for her, and how much we love her!
Friday, April 23, 2010
Our answers.....
This blog was written many months ago...and held onto. I have updated it, obviously, along the way. But here is a very small peek into the struggle our hearts have felt for the past months!
I have known since I was a very little girl that I wanted to be a mother some day. Growing up I wanted lots of kids. As a young woman in high school and even college I always said I wanted 7 kids by Jackie Chan (why him? Umm hello...it's Jackie Chan) Having a large family is a dream I have had most of my life, much like many women. As Brandon and I approached this point in our lives we agreed to disagree on the number of children we would have. He wants 2, I want 3-5. We just assumed it would be something that would be worked out on it's own by determining our personal abilities to be parents (like that matters), our financial situations, and how much we even liked our kids (haha).
I guess we never considered the fact that we couldn't get pregnant. There aren't little girls out there having dreams of infertility. Playing "house" where the 'wanna-be mommy and daddy' have to go see specialists just to be a parents. Thankfully as children we don't think that way. Unfortunatlely, as adults.....we don't think that way.... unless we have to.
In the back of our minds, we knew our process wouldn't be easy. We both had a feeling something wasn't exactly right. Thankfully we did not wait longer than 8 months of trying to go to the doctor and get things checked out.
So, here we are, 11 months into trying to conceive. Eleven months...it does not seem that long to those who struggled for years to get pregnant. But, for anyone who has had to wait, 11 months can seem like a lifetime. Each month like a personal let down. It's own little heart breaker....back to the drawing board/waiting game. This struggle isn't something I have kept to myself (although I have not blogged about it..until now). Our families and some of our friends have been through each month right by our sides. Each doctors visit and some of my tears (tears of sadness, but mostly frustration).
And here we are, 11 months of trying to conceive and we finally have some answers. I am thankful we have answers (and we must have some answers, as I promised Brandon I would not post this blog until we knew something for sure).
And here it is...The only option Brandon and I have for our own biological children is IVF ICSI. Basically...in vitro fertilization. It's a mouthful, I know. But, just knowing has brought so much relief to my heart!! Today I am more hopeful than I have been in a long time...and my grin is nearly ear to ear!
And our new journey begins. And I will have to learn to not ask "why us?" I will have to let go of the anger that I sometimes feel for the paths we have to take. This is not a set back, this is our life. This is the way it was planned for us. This is the time to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and attempt to walk with our heads high. Tears are okay, but continuing with our lives is a MUST. That, we know for sure. And we finally have our answers....
I have known since I was a very little girl that I wanted to be a mother some day. Growing up I wanted lots of kids. As a young woman in high school and even college I always said I wanted 7 kids by Jackie Chan (why him? Umm hello...it's Jackie Chan) Having a large family is a dream I have had most of my life, much like many women. As Brandon and I approached this point in our lives we agreed to disagree on the number of children we would have. He wants 2, I want 3-5. We just assumed it would be something that would be worked out on it's own by determining our personal abilities to be parents (like that matters), our financial situations, and how much we even liked our kids (haha).
I guess we never considered the fact that we couldn't get pregnant. There aren't little girls out there having dreams of infertility. Playing "house" where the 'wanna-be mommy and daddy' have to go see specialists just to be a parents. Thankfully as children we don't think that way. Unfortunatlely, as adults.....we don't think that way.... unless we have to.
In the back of our minds, we knew our process wouldn't be easy. We both had a feeling something wasn't exactly right. Thankfully we did not wait longer than 8 months of trying to go to the doctor and get things checked out.
So, here we are, 11 months into trying to conceive. Eleven months...it does not seem that long to those who struggled for years to get pregnant. But, for anyone who has had to wait, 11 months can seem like a lifetime. Each month like a personal let down. It's own little heart breaker....back to the drawing board/waiting game. This struggle isn't something I have kept to myself (although I have not blogged about it..until now). Our families and some of our friends have been through each month right by our sides. Each doctors visit and some of my tears (tears of sadness, but mostly frustration).
And here we are, 11 months of trying to conceive and we finally have some answers. I am thankful we have answers (and we must have some answers, as I promised Brandon I would not post this blog until we knew something for sure).
And here it is...The only option Brandon and I have for our own biological children is IVF ICSI. Basically...in vitro fertilization. It's a mouthful, I know. But, just knowing has brought so much relief to my heart!! Today I am more hopeful than I have been in a long time...and my grin is nearly ear to ear!
And our new journey begins. And I will have to learn to not ask "why us?" I will have to let go of the anger that I sometimes feel for the paths we have to take. This is not a set back, this is our life. This is the way it was planned for us. This is the time to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and attempt to walk with our heads high. Tears are okay, but continuing with our lives is a MUST. That, we know for sure. And we finally have our answers....
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