Broken Hearted.

Our problems really are minuscule in comparison with the aftermath of Boston and Texas and different areas all over the world.  But, none the less, they are ours.  They brought sadness and despair, regardless of what level.  And I won't downplay them, although they are not nearly as traumatic.

On Friday, April 19th I got a phone call from our nurse.  She informed us that the blood pregnancy test that I submitted that morning had come back positive.  "But", she said.....and naturally my heart dropped, she didn't advise we tell many people just yet.  Our HCG levels (the pregnancy hormone- also known the beta hormone) were low.  Almost unmeasurable.  I wouldn't be surprised if my heart actually stop for a few beats at this point.  The nurse told us there may be a couple of reasons for this- 1) Sometimes it just takes a little longer for FET's to get "going" and by retesting on Monday we would know if things looked better- 2) although I was pregnant, it wasn't going to last and I would likely miscarry or loose the pregnancy and by retesting on Monday we would know if things looked worse.

By the end of the day Friday we walked away with this- I was currently pregnant, but we wouldn't know until Monday if it was going to stick.  I imagine it's unnecessary for me to say this, but on Monday we retested and my practically unmeasurable pregnancy hormone had gone down.  We had lost or were loosing the baby.  My doctor advised I stop all medications. She told me how sorry she was.  Sometimes, she said, these things just don't work out.  She reminded me that the very best embryos were used in our fresh cycle, the one that resulted in our beautiful daughter.  She informed me that we were still great candidates for another IVF ICSI fresh cycle, if we wanted to start over.  She said a lot, and I heard a lot, but I can promise you at the time I wasn't listening.  I was still stuck on the part about my pregnancy hormones going down and her phrase "I am so sorry".

This wasn't supposed to be how this ended for us.  We were supposed to get pregnant with our last chance embryos and have a happy, healthy bouncing baby.  Obviously that was the happy ending we were planning.  Friday afternoon, even with the advised warning, we walked away with hope.  Hope that although odds were not in our favor, this could still happen.  It wasn't a negative test....so how could we not have hope?  But, hope can be a scary thing, if not reined in properly.  Hope can appear to be a sweet, gentle animal that turns into a beast that bites*.

None of the decisions we make right now have to be permanent decisions.  I am so thankful for this.  We have time.  As of right now, we are planning to take a year or two....and think.  Do we want to go through another IVF ICSI cycle?  How would it be different for us in 12-24 months?  How would it be different for us financially or physically?  How would it affect Josie? 

To be brutally honest, I am not sure my body can handle another fresh cycle.  I am not certain I would be able to deal with another potential severe case of OHSS (like last time), especially not with a toddler in tow.  I do not think Josie would understand two weeks of bed rest from Momma.  And don't even get me started on the financial aspects of all of this (why are these things so freaking expensive?).  But, I can not bring myself to make any permanent lasting decisions.  Not yet.  Because in the end...these things are true.  1) we want more than anything to have another child to share our love and lives with- 2) we want Jo to be a big sister, to experience a sibling and the love that comes along with that- 3) I want to experience pregnancy, again. 

Even through our broken hearts, we hang onto our hope.  That scary beast that just bit us in the ass.  We keep it in our hearts and we nurture it and we know deep down it's a sweet animal that wants good things for us.  Because that's all we have. We will just be a little more cautious with our hope next time.  I want to scream for the rooftops "It's not FAIR"!  Because it's not.  It's never been fair.  Not for us, not for you.  Not for anyone.  One way or another, life is not fair.  But, one thing that is for sure, life goes on.  And so will we! 

We will watch our beautiful miracle of a child grow and thrive, because she is both growing and thriving more than we could ever imagine.  We will be reminded EVERY SINGLE DAY of the miracle she is for us!  She is the baby we were never guaranteed.  A tiny walking, talking, fit-throwing miracle!  We will wait and see where our lives take us.  And in the end, we are blessed.  Even on the days that seem like disasters, we are blessed.  Blessed.  I will continue to repeat....blessed.

Finally- We have had people around the country saying prayers and thinking happy thoughts for us over the past few weeks.  Our hearts break to share our sad news, but we are lifted by these prayers from friend and family and strangers alike.  Thank you.  Each and every one of you who took the time to think of us.  I can't begin to tell you how grateful we are for your continued support and love.  Thank you from the very bottom of our hearts....thank you!

*This is not my true/normal interpretation of hope, but today, it fits.

Embryo Transfer

Since our retrieval last Wednesday, Brandon and I have both felt as though our bodies have been put through the ringer. Sore, uncomfortable, and sick. I knew I was in for trouble when my doctor called on Thursday and said "are you having any trouble breathing yet?" and then again on Friday when I told her I felt much better that day than the previous two days and she said "Don't get used to it, it's only going to get worse." I appreciated her honesty a lot less when I found myself "worse" Saturday and Sunday. No one can prepare you for the pain and bloating and discomfort that come after an egg retrieval. And apparently, when you have large ovaries like mine, the pain is even worse. I have spent the past three days in bed. Constantly fighting the nausea and vomiting and praying that I don't hiccup, because each time I do, it feels like my insides suffer a violent whiplash. Thankfully today I did feel a little better. Still bloated internally (so much so that I can't fit into clothing), but less pain. Sweet Brandon spent the weekend waiting on me, cleaning the house, preparing meals, and doing laundry. Maybe I should be sick more often.

Today we went back to the doctor and they transferred two embryos to my body. We are so excited. I had a small prayer and pep-talk with the embryos prior to transfer, so I am pretty sure they were aware of the game plan. It was uncomfortable, to say the least.....but it is over. As it turns out we do not think we will have quite as many embryos to freeze and we had initially hoped. It looks like we will be freezing 2-4. Brandon and I are both really happy with that number. We both feel like surely somewhere in these 4-6 embryos we can get a baby. I, too, am over joyed to have a couple to freeze, because I can honestly say, without a doubt, I would NEVER do an egg retrieval again (we wouldn't have to go through the whole egg retrieval process again to use frozen embryos).

I kept asking Brandon why we didn't know this process was so painful. People should really talk about it. It freaking hurts......bad. So, there you go, beware to those gearing up for the egg retrieval. Ask your doctor ahead of time what to expect, how many days to expect to take off work, how to relieve pain and the best ways to get through it. I was told today to expect a couple more weeks of bloating....WHAT? We just had no idea what we were in store for. It's not that we wouldn't have done it...we really didn't have a choice. But, maybe if I was better mentally prepared it would have been easier? But, who knows, maybe it would have been worse? All I know is that I am glad to be through the retrieval and now the transfer. We are keeping our fingers crossed for smooth sailing from this point on.

So now we just wait. Something Brandon and I have learned to do well. We will have a blood pregnancy test on 3/10 to determine if either of these little guys hung in there. And, then, we go from there.

Thanks to all of you for the warm thoughts and prayers. Every single one has helped, I promise.

**** PLEASE NOTE- the reason I was in so much pain after my egg retrieval is because I suffered from Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome. There are lots of women who have this procedure and don't have OHSS who have very few pains or aches after the fact! (Just didn't want to freak anyone out)****