When the time is right...

Over the past few weeks I have had a strange, new sinking feeling in my gut.  And no, it's not the excess of Halloween candy!  I have been having mixed feelings about our plan to try IVF ICSI in January (yes, just months after announcing our decision to try again). When it comes to the IVF process, I have always been the one who was ready to GO, GO, GO with almost no questions asked.  Having doubts (outside of the regular "will this work" doubt) about starting a new round is completely new and foreign to me.


This morning, I sat at our kitchen island sipping coffee while Brandon made breakfast (he truly is a keeper).  We had a rare moment of adult conversation, while Josie played in the living room! I contemplated telling Brandon about my recent reservations against another round of IVF ICSI. Since it appeared we had a few moments to talk, I decided to dive into my thoughts.  As I talked through my recent feelings, I could actually see the stress and anxiety lifting from my husband's shoulders.
 
We have both had reservations about this new round of IVF ICSI, that much we have discussed already.  But diving deeper into the plan, we both agree the timing, the doctors, the financial aspects and the potential new insurance coverage have felt "off".  My amazing husband had these reservations already, but was planning to go through with it all, knowing how much I wanted to have another baby.  Up until the past month, my thoughts on having another baby and being pregnant again have been coupled with urgency!  It had to be something that was done and as soon as we could possibly handle it.  All of a sudden that urgency has been replaced by contentment. Life is good for us right now!  We have an amazing little girl who will turn 4 in less than two weeks! We no longer deal with diapers and bottles and teething, and the inability to do most tasks. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty more life phases we are preparing ourselves for, but as of right now, life is good!


Both Brandon and I agree that we want another child.  But, we also agree that now does not feel like the right time.  I don't know why, but it just doesn't seem right.  Maybe there is something else waiting to happen to us in the next few months.  Maybe there are other opportunities that we are meant to encounter that we don't even know exist. In my heart, I just know the timing is wrong.  So, for now, we are planning to put IVF ICSI on the back burner.  We plan to revisit this possibility in 6 months or so.  We will see where our heads and our hearts are then.  For now, we are going to enjoy  our perfect little family and making lots of fun memories!

Hello World!

Oh my... It's been so many months since I visited the blog world that I was dreading even opening my blogger account. Life carries on, as we all know, whether we want it to or not.  And not surprisingly, the blogger world has continued to turn even in my absence. In March 2014 the Bice family moved from Knoxville, TN to Champaign, IL. I approached this move as an adventure for our entire family. Moving 500 miles from our family and friends was scary and overwhelming, but calling it an adventure took a lot of the anxiety out of it for me.  Go figure. 

We have lived in Champaign for 18 months and I can honestly say.... I love it here! Obviously, I miss my family and TN friends, but both Brandon and I feel fortunate and grateful to have found a fun, family-friendly community with a neighbor that likes to "gather" and "celebrate"! The "air quotes" are meant to imply that our neighborhood likes to party!

Brandon really loves the company that he works for and I am grateful I to have the opportunity to stay home with Josie. It has been a learning experience, for both her and I, to say the least. I wasn't sure we would survive the first few weeks together, but once we established a routine life became much simpler. Two weeks ago Jojo started preschool (whhaaat....my baby) and two weeks ago I started something new, too! It's called peeing in privacy and it's amazing. Although we love our time together, preschool has been a pleasant break for us both.  I plan to use this extra time (which is actually only a few hours a day, two days a week) to start writing again and running OUTSIDE again and reminding myself that the task of grocery shopping ISN'T a punishment from God.

Although the blog will include our everyday happenings, I want to focus a lot of my blog energy on our struggles through infertility and the process that comes with IVF ICSI. Everything from initial diagnosis, meeting doctors, costs to conception. IVF and IVF ICSI are not for the faint of heart. Infertility comes with hundreds of questions, symptoms and diagnosis and if I can help at least one person better understand their situation or simply learn from my own, I would be happy! Brandon and I plan or start a brand new round of IVF ICSI in January with a brand new doctor in a semi-new state.  I plan to blog every step of the way! So check back often for updates and new information. Maybe we will walk this road together....maybe you aren't as alone in this journey as you thought!

Yikes.....I've got the fever

Ah....jeez....

I have it.  I have it, bad.  I've got Baby Fever!  Baby fever is tough for anyone to deal with, especially those who have to wait or even worse....those who can't on their own. 

And it's not just baby fever- I don't necessarily miss those multiple night feedings and days of little to no sleep.  I don't necessarily miss spending weeks on end in a zombie like- half awake, half asleep- state.  Our bodies adjust and we move past that, but it's still not my favorite phase of parenting.

You know what I am really longing for?  Being pregnant!  I am sure some women will shriek at hearing that, but it's true.  Sure....we had a hard time getting pregnant, but once we actually GOT pregnant it was smooth sailing.  We had a fairly uneventful pregnancy and I had the luxury of enjoying every minute.  I LOVED feeling my body grow and change.  I LOVED knowing I was "housing" our little peanut!  And I truly LOVED feeling her move and turn and kick and live!  Last night I stopped to think about when my water broke.  Initially it scared the hell out of me.  And for about 60 seconds I got nervous and cried about two tears.  After that.....the excitement of knowing I was getting ready to meet my daughter took hold and I never looked back!

I want that.  I want that growing belly.  I want those swift baby kicks to the bladder!  I want it all, even the late night feedings, again!  I am ready.....

How I wish it was all that easy for us.  Shessh....what we wouldn't do to just be able to be pregnant again.  So many of my friends are now going through their own infertility journeys.  It breaks my heart to see anyone else struggle the way we did!  I hope they get Blessed with their very own miracle babe and maybe we will be blessed again, one day, too!    

Broken Hearted.

Our problems really are minuscule in comparison with the aftermath of Boston and Texas and different areas all over the world.  But, none the less, they are ours.  They brought sadness and despair, regardless of what level.  And I won't downplay them, although they are not nearly as traumatic.

On Friday, April 19th I got a phone call from our nurse.  She informed us that the blood pregnancy test that I submitted that morning had come back positive.  "But", she said.....and naturally my heart dropped, she didn't advise we tell many people just yet.  Our HCG levels (the pregnancy hormone- also known the beta hormone) were low.  Almost unmeasurable.  I wouldn't be surprised if my heart actually stop for a few beats at this point.  The nurse told us there may be a couple of reasons for this- 1) Sometimes it just takes a little longer for FET's to get "going" and by retesting on Monday we would know if things looked better- 2) although I was pregnant, it wasn't going to last and I would likely miscarry or loose the pregnancy and by retesting on Monday we would know if things looked worse.

By the end of the day Friday we walked away with this- I was currently pregnant, but we wouldn't know until Monday if it was going to stick.  I imagine it's unnecessary for me to say this, but on Monday we retested and my practically unmeasurable pregnancy hormone had gone down.  We had lost or were loosing the baby.  My doctor advised I stop all medications. She told me how sorry she was.  Sometimes, she said, these things just don't work out.  She reminded me that the very best embryos were used in our fresh cycle, the one that resulted in our beautiful daughter.  She informed me that we were still great candidates for another IVF ICSI fresh cycle, if we wanted to start over.  She said a lot, and I heard a lot, but I can promise you at the time I wasn't listening.  I was still stuck on the part about my pregnancy hormones going down and her phrase "I am so sorry".

This wasn't supposed to be how this ended for us.  We were supposed to get pregnant with our last chance embryos and have a happy, healthy bouncing baby.  Obviously that was the happy ending we were planning.  Friday afternoon, even with the advised warning, we walked away with hope.  Hope that although odds were not in our favor, this could still happen.  It wasn't a negative test....so how could we not have hope?  But, hope can be a scary thing, if not reined in properly.  Hope can appear to be a sweet, gentle animal that turns into a beast that bites*.

None of the decisions we make right now have to be permanent decisions.  I am so thankful for this.  We have time.  As of right now, we are planning to take a year or two....and think.  Do we want to go through another IVF ICSI cycle?  How would it be different for us in 12-24 months?  How would it be different for us financially or physically?  How would it affect Josie? 

To be brutally honest, I am not sure my body can handle another fresh cycle.  I am not certain I would be able to deal with another potential severe case of OHSS (like last time), especially not with a toddler in tow.  I do not think Josie would understand two weeks of bed rest from Momma.  And don't even get me started on the financial aspects of all of this (why are these things so freaking expensive?).  But, I can not bring myself to make any permanent lasting decisions.  Not yet.  Because in the end...these things are true.  1) we want more than anything to have another child to share our love and lives with- 2) we want Jo to be a big sister, to experience a sibling and the love that comes along with that- 3) I want to experience pregnancy, again. 

Even through our broken hearts, we hang onto our hope.  That scary beast that just bit us in the ass.  We keep it in our hearts and we nurture it and we know deep down it's a sweet animal that wants good things for us.  Because that's all we have. We will just be a little more cautious with our hope next time.  I want to scream for the rooftops "It's not FAIR"!  Because it's not.  It's never been fair.  Not for us, not for you.  Not for anyone.  One way or another, life is not fair.  But, one thing that is for sure, life goes on.  And so will we! 

We will watch our beautiful miracle of a child grow and thrive, because she is both growing and thriving more than we could ever imagine.  We will be reminded EVERY SINGLE DAY of the miracle she is for us!  She is the baby we were never guaranteed.  A tiny walking, talking, fit-throwing miracle!  We will wait and see where our lives take us.  And in the end, we are blessed.  Even on the days that seem like disasters, we are blessed.  Blessed.  I will continue to repeat....blessed.

Finally- We have had people around the country saying prayers and thinking happy thoughts for us over the past few weeks.  Our hearts break to share our sad news, but we are lifted by these prayers from friend and family and strangers alike.  Thank you.  Each and every one of you who took the time to think of us.  I can't begin to tell you how grateful we are for your continued support and love.  Thank you from the very bottom of our hearts....thank you!

*This is not my true/normal interpretation of hope, but today, it fits.

And the process continues

IVF #2- I started writing this in January-

After the first week of medications (Birth Control and Metformin), my body started to get used to the metformin.  Thankfully I was able to ease myself back into a carb filled life and I was a much happier camper.  I am still taking the metformin, 3x's a day as much as the first week in fact, but it no longer causes the constant dramatic side effects. Although too much carbs or fried food and have me feeling pretty yucky pretty quick.

So here is what IVF #2 has amounted to so far:
1/2- Metformin and Birth Control
1/7- HSG *
1/11- Ultrasound - Start lupron shots**
1/18- last day of birth control
1/19- cycle
1/22- start estrogen pills and estrogen patch
2/1- Ultrasound and blood work
2/6- Ultrasound to check uterine lining and blood work
2/7- started progesterone oil shots (ouch)
2/9- learn to give the progesterone oil shots to myself (more on that later)
2/10- nausea (from hormones?)
2/10- fully hormonal....I am a mess!
2/12- FET...yikes....

2/13- slight cramping and abdominal twinges
2/16- nausea nausea nausea (don't remember this from IVF#1)
2/18- progesterone levels checked- all seems good
2/22- blood pregnancy test....yikes

*It's funny.  For some reason I was thinking the HSG was going to be simple blood work.  I have no clue why that was what I assumed it was, because it's not.  Nope.  Not at all.  So if you are heading into see your RE and they ordered you to have an HSG test it's actually a Hysterosalpingogram (easy for me to say, right?  Now I understand why they call it HSG).  It doesn't take very long.  What they do is place iodine dye in your cervix, then take x-rays of your uterus and fallopian tubes.  I had this done the first time...so you think I would have remembered...but apparently not.  It's totally normal to have this test done when starting the IVF process.  And chances are pretty good I will have to do this again if we have a successful pregnancy and want to "try" for more children. 

**Regular ultrasound to ensure I was ready for the Lupron shots.  I started 10 units of Lupron on this day.

Process #2 has certainly been much different than process #1.  I think a lot of it has to do with my state of mind.  I understand the process a little more this time around, although I will never brag as to knowing exactly what is going on. The process itself is insane and goes by so quickly it is hard to keep up with.  After a month or two you look back and think it's all a big blur....and it is.

This time around I did not have to go to see the RE all the time.  For #1 I felt like I was in their offices sometimes 2-3 times a week.  It makes sense.....the first time around they had to monitor my ovaries. They had to be absolutely sure my ovaries were producing healthy eggs.  They had to be certain there weren't too few and there weren't too many.  And most of all...the timing had to be absolutely perfect or my body would release the eggs on it's own and the entire process would be foiled.  So, it makes sense that I was there ALL THE TIME. 

For #2 my ovaries are practically ignored.  Since we have 4 frozen embryos, I do not need my ovaries to produce eggs.  In fact, we do not want them to function at all.  We are basically taking my ovaries completely out of the picture.  They are still making some eggs, but they are small and few and nothing to worry too much about at this point.  The best part about nixing my ovaries from process #2....no chance of suffering from OHSS this time around!  SWEET!!!

Sadly on the afternoon of 2/22 I received a call from my nurse letting me know our first FET had not resulted in a pregnancy. Both Brandon and I were pretty sad to receive this news (obviously). I think it was hardest because I was so certain I WAS pregnant. With IVF#1 I basically had zero pregnancy symptoms and was certain it had not happened. This time, I thought I knew the little feelings and twinges I was experiencing and I was sure it was leading us to a positive pregnancy test. My doctor warned me early on not to invest too much in any early symptoms, as these were often created by the multiple medications I was taking.

Although my heart hurt once my nurse told me our sad news, knowing that I had a sweet, healthy, amazing 15 month old at home, made the news much easier to take. Brandon and I are always aware that Josie is our miracle child. She happened when the odds were against. She happened while my body was doing all it could to reject IVF #1. She happened despite the fact that my husband's body planned to never give him a chance. She is our blessing.....and we know this every day. I have never dreamed of having only one child, but we know nothing about our journey has been the way we imagined.

Luckily we still have two frozen embryos. We hope to have the opportunity to try again. We hope this will lead to a healthy pregnancy. We hope Josie will end up with an additional sibling (or two). And if she doesn't...we will continue to be thankful for our beautiful blessing.

9 days left....random thoughts followed by more emotions. This pregnancy should really end soon!

Are you sick of reading about my pregnancy in EVERY.SINGLE.BLOGPOST?  Yeah....me too.  Sorry.  I guess it's all I really have to talk about right now, considering there is a giant human child growing inside of me.  The good news is.....With this baby arriving any day now, this may be the last (or close to last) pregnancy post you have to read.  If that is not enough to satisfy you....then, please, feel free to stop reading right now. 

Now...some final comments on this pregnancy.......

I laugh at myself each morning for putting on my wedding band and engagement ring.  Even while putting them on, I know they won't stay on my finger for more than an hour or two before my ring finger is turning a shade of blue and I am desperately trying to get them off.  Every single day I have at least one moment of panic that I can't get the rings off my newly fattened sausage finger, you think I would learn to just not wear them.  Swelling.....thanks so much!

I haven't dilated more than 1 cm in the past three weeks.  I go back to the doctor tomorrow and am truly hoping for some good news.  Please, please, please don't let me be that lady who has to be induced at 1 cm.  This is my only true fear right now.  Being naive is what has gotten me through this pregnancy.

I don't want to go past my due date, for many reasons....but the biggest reason is because I don't want to have to spend Thanksgiving in the hospital.  How am I supposed to enjoy the smells of turkey, dressing, and homemade goodies from my mom when all I can really smell is antiseptic, cleaning products, and other gross hospital smells (and don't act like you don't know that hospitals smell funny).  I have 9 days left where it can be about me.....and I want Thanksgiving at home.......yeah, I know....it's disgustingly selfish (and trust me, I feel really awful for saying it).

Sometimes in the middle of the night when I wake up to pee, for a moment I totally forget that I am pregnant.  That moment fades the second I try to get out of bed.  These days, I resort to a Roll/Shift/Pull method.....and that's just to get me sitting up on the edge of the bed.  Actually getting out of the bed is a whole other method of it's own.  If this pregnancy has taught me anything, it's that core strength truly IS as important as all those trainers have been telling us for years.  Also....I don't ever want to be 30 pounds overweight (and not pregnant)....it's too much stress and strain on muscles and joints. 

I attempted to paint my toenails last night.  First off, I am shocked this didn't sent me into labor.  Second, I am in desperate need of a pedicure.  Every time I put on shoes with shoe laces I cuss because it's so freaking uncomfortable to get my feet close enough to pull off this maneuver.  I also say a prayer that they don't come untied during the day and I back the prayer up with double (and sometimes triple) knotting.  Shoe laces coming untied would be a complete disaster in my life right now.

I have some co-workers who ask me EVERY MORNING when I come to work "You are here? (yes...they phrase it like a question)  So, you didn't have the baby yet?"  I won't even go into the responses that run through my head with these questions.  I will tell you, it takes everything inside of me to not be a total and complete smart ass.  EVERYTHING.

Nothing warms my heart more than listening to Brandon tell me how excited he is to meet his daughter and how much he can't wait to see her and hold her in his arms.  I know, already, that he will be an amazing father.  He already loves his little girl so much!  It gives me confidence and hope that together we will be good parents, even when we have NO clue as to what we are doing!

Having said that, Brandon is requesting that Josie arrive during the evening of Friday, November 18th.  Apparently there is good stuff on TV that night and if she would be so inclined as to grant him this one itsy bitsy tiny favor, he feels as though the time in the hospital could be spent wisely with television programming, Football games, etc.  I laugh every time he tells me this, but at the same time, I have a sinking feeling he may get his wish.   Wouldn't that be nuts? 

Sometimes I forget how lucky we are.  Not only that we are getting ready to become a family of three, but that this has been such an easy, stress-free pregnancy.  I forget that this child is our miracle.  Too easily I forget that it can be incredibly rare to get pregnant the first go around with IVF ICSI!  Sometimes I forget the year of pain, emotional and physical, that Brandon and I both endured to get here.  Too often I forget that this could be our one chance at a biological child.  Somewhere along the way we went from the couple struggling with infertility to your average, every day parents-to-be.  I have to say, I prefer that latter.  At some point we will have to go back to being that couple who struggles with infertility (if we want more children), but for now....we are soaking up the idea that we are no more than your typical, naive, scared, clueless, every-day, run of the mill, parents to be!  And for once.....we are completely comfortable with each of those adjectives!!!  Infertility can be your dark secret, but Brandon and I have felt good about sharing our struggles and concerns along the way.  I truly hope that some how, in the end, the blog posts that focused more on what we were going through will help someone else in their struggle.  I know just writing about it often helped me. 

My final thoughts on this matter (for now)....Josie Noelle is our blessing.   I get emotional and teary-eyed every time I think about the fact that we get to meet her in just a few short days.  No amount of swelling or weight gain or pain will ever change the fact that we would do this a thousand times over if it meant we got to go through this journey again!  Every year we add things to our list of all that we are thankful for.....this year, our list will grow by leaps and bounds!  This year, our greatest gift and blessing will be meeting our daughter and finally telling her how long we have waited for her, and how much we love her!

Measuring a year.......

525,600 minutes....how do you measure, measure a year? 

I have never actually seen the musical/Broadway show Rent, but I am somewhat familiar (meaning I know guess about 60% of the words) with the song "Seasons of Love". 

As I have been thinking about writing this blog, I find myself singing this song (mostly the refrain) over and over in my head. 

This weekend marked one year since I wrote this blog..... http://thebicefamilyblog.blogspot.com/2010/10/creative-ways-to-make-baby.html

I look back at this blog and any of the blogs I wrote regarding our infertility and IVF process and my heart hurts for "Lauren and Brandon of one year ago".  One year ago we had no idea where our lives were heading and what would come of our IVF process.  One year ago I was terrified and barely able to be completely honest with myself that we may not be able to have children.  The only answer we were given was that IVF ICSI was our only shot...no specifics, no guarantees, just lots of questions.

And here we are, almost exactly one year later, 34 weeks pregnant!  I can tell you, briefly, how we measured this past year.  I won't list every emotion that we have felt this past year, the insane highs and the scary lows...but the easiest way for me to measure this past year, is in LOVE.  I know, it sounds so freaking corny, but it's true.  This time last year we had no answers to the constant "When will you guys have kids?"  We didn't know if it was possible to ever have children. 

Only a few more weeks until we meet our daughter (I can't tell you how weird it feels to say that)!  525,600 minutes and here I am.....writing about our happy ending!  We feel blessed, and lucky, and so much love!  We will never forget this past year....where we started, what we went through, and our miracle outcome!

The Little Couple = Huge Impact

I watch too much TV. That would be apparent if you lived with me for one evening. Since you don't live with me, this may become apparent to you after reading this post.

That being said....

I freaking love this show!!!



Actually, to be honest, I love this lady...



(OMG I hate how tiny these pictures are, even when you click on them, but I am too lazy to search for more....sorry)

Nothing against the show (because I love it) or Bill (the sweet hubby), but Jen is a freaking ROCKSTAR! This lady appears to have more drive and determination than most people I know, put together. We all face obstacles in our lives. It's inevitable to meet resistance in one endeavor or more along the way. I imagine, being a little person, Jen has met more resistance than most. I guess the thing I admire most about her is that she does not appear to have ever let her obstacles slow her down. She seems to be an amazing doctor with exactly the right amount of compassion and care. She never complains (at least not on the show) or makes excuses....I know so many people who could learn a lesson or two from her.

I guess I feel like I have a little connection to Jen (in my own weird way). She, too, has had to undergo fertility drugs, shots, and the dreaded (for me) egg retrieval. As I watched last nights episode of Jen's most recent egg retrieval, I could not help but go back to my own experiences. I practically held my breath waiting to learn if any of her eggs were retrieved, then fertilized. I remember, so vividly (mostly because it was just recently) the days of multiple ultrasounds. The days of "are there enough eggs in my ovaries", "are there too many eggs in my ovaries" and of course, the retrieval. Which was painful, both emotionally and physically. I recall waiting to learn how many eggs were retrieved and waiting so nervously to hear if any had fertilized.

Last night's episode was a reminder at what a miracle modern medicine can be. It was also a reminder that there is no guarantee with IVF. You can take all the medicine they advise, endure all the shots, and pay all the money...but in the end you get no guarantee. All you are left with is the faith and hope that things work out the way you wish. Thankfully, Jen and Bill were able to retrieve two more eggs (to add to the one they got from a previous retrieval) and make another embryo (to add to the first one). They now have two embryos! A potential start to their potentially wonderful family!

Just in the past few days I have started to feel Josie's kicks and movements. She is finally strong enough that I know, with out a doubt, that those feelings are indeed kicks and not muscle spasms (or gas...kidding). These kicks are a daily reminder of our personal miracle. Just as I thought, the journey we took to get to Josie has become a distant memory. We celebrate daily the little life within me, but don't reflect on how we got here as often as we probably should. I hope in the near future Jen and Bill are celebrating their growing baby too. I pray, they too, will look back at their journey as a distant memory of where they started....and although they will use a surrogate carrier, I hope the kicks and movements and growing belly will soon be a part of their daily celebrations! Wishing all the luck to this sweet couple.

And if you haven't ever watched this show, take 30 minutes and watch an episode! I guarantee within that half hour you are impressed by the positive attitude and determination of this couple. If you are not....you might be a Communist (which of course you are unlikely to 'fess up to....so whatever...I mean, you're a communist, so why would I even care what you think?).

Reaching the halfway point.....

My friend JoElla keeps hounding me to put up more posts and stop being lazy. So, basically, this post is just to get her off my back a bit! Just kidding Jo!

First and foremost....Our big news!!



We are expecting a little girl in November! We plan to name her Josie Noelle, although we both agree this could change a hundred times between now and November! We are so excited and can't wait to meet Josie.

Brandon and I are counting our blessings daily. We realize this little girl will be a miracle for us. After spending so much time researching and prepping for our IVF treatments, retrieval, and transfer; it almost seems unreal that we actually got pregnant on our first try. We recognize this is a fairly rare occurrence, and are constantly grateful.

I have to go back to the doctor in early July to have another ultrasound. I am so excited because JoElla (the blog Nazi) will be in town and get to go with me! Jo has been in Mexico throughout our pregnancy and has not gotten to see how large I am getting or experience my advanced appetite or my new and improved mood swings. She may not be as excited as I am!!!

On Friday I will officially be 20 weeks along. It is hard to believe this pregnancy is almost half over. I have a feeling I will blink and before I know it Brandon and I will be shuffling off to the hospital to meet Josie!

Baby baby bump

This Friday I will be 4 months (or 16 weeks) pregnant. Slowly but surely my body is starting to change. I have a developing baby bump, but it's pretty small, so its more like a baby baby bump.



I find it very strange that my belly looks larger in clothing than naked (and no....there won't be any naked pictures). Last weekend I squeezed myself into a bikini, and although it probably wasn't a pretty sight, my belly looked less pregnant than when I came home with a tank top covering. How does that work? If it continues this way, I may be looking for skimpier clothing to wear to work REAL soon! In return, I may also be looking for new employment!

The second semester....

As of this Friday, I will officially be in the second trimester (or as I keep referring to it, the second semester). Here is our beautiful baby, as of last week!



In case you don't see what is happening here, this is a profile shot of Baby Bice, his/her little face is on the right side, with his/her body on the left! It amazes me to think that next month (6/16 to be exact) we will be finding out if the baby is a he or a she.

Things have been pretty good. I have been working hard to keep Crazy-Lauren in check and it seems to be helping. I recently read Jenny McCarthy's Belly Laughs. It's pretty freaking funny and made me feel so much better about Crazy-Lauren and some of the other "experiences" I have already had while pregnant. Which leads me to this....

Belly Bands...(I know it sounds like "buddy bands" from Saved By The Bell, but they are not nearly as cool)



These gorgeous looking things are often used during pregnancy. They are designed to provide belly support later in pregnancy (when the baby bump is more like a speed hump), but they can also be used in early pregnancy. These belly bands can be used to help women who aren't quite into maternity clothing and can still (sort of) fit into their pre-pregnancy clothing. Basically if you wear your regular pre-pregnancy pants, but can't quite get them buttoned, these bands come to your rescue. They allow you to wear your pants unbuttoned and possibly even half zipped, but they are tight enough to flatten the pants to looking normal and keep them secure at your waist. They help to prolong your pre-pregnancy pant wearing!

I have only worn the belly band a couple of times so far, but I am certain it is about to become a major fixture in my wardrobe. I am still able to wear about 85% of my pre-preggo pants, but I truly think that time is coming to a startlingly quick end. It's not that I can't fit into my clothing....it's just not comfortable (or attractive). Although, I must admit, these bands don't exactly scream "flattering"! But there is a part of me that is totally freaked out that my pants are going to fall and I won't even notice (It's like that dream where you go to school naked. How you got there without noticing some sort of draft is a mystery).

I have noticed while browsing maternity clothing that most pants/shorts have giant belly bands attached (sewn in) to the front panel of the garment. Unless you are seriously sporting a baby bump, these pants do you no good. There aren't many great options for those who are slightly uncomfortable in their regular clothes yet not ready for serious baby bump sewn in belly bands. I guess that's where these detached belly bands come into play. I guess I should be grateful that there is at least an option.

So...if you see me around town and it looks as if I have my pants unbuttoned and slightly unzipped, it's probably because I do. Please don't point and laugh...unless they actually hit the ground, in which case....I had it coming.

Huge milestone.....

Today I am officially 10 weeks pregnant. That, alone, is a big enough milestone for Brandon and I, and of course Baby Bice! I have been waiting for 10 weeks since before we even got pregnant.

That may seem silly to some, but let me explain. Long before we had our egg retrieval or transfer and light years (to me) before I got pregnant I had to start injections. If you have read my previous posts, then you know it all started with Lupron shots in the belly. These weren't too bad, but they were sometimes painful and left me with bruises for many weeks. After the Lupron we did Hmg injections. These shots had to be administered by my sweet husband. The Hmg shots did not necessarily hurt, but they were a nuisance, as it needed to be given at approximately they same time each day. (Have you ever tried to give yourself a shot in a public restroom? I had to do this with the Lupron. There's nothing like syringes in a bathroom stall to make you feel like a total junkie!)

After the Hmg shots, we moved onto to Progesterone Oil shots. We really saved the best for last. These shots I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Not only does the oil not go into your body smoothly, unless slightly warmed, but it also leaves your body lumpy and ooohh sooooo tender. These shots, like the Hmg, had to be administered by Brandon. He was such a trooper through all of it. And the way I see it, he's practically a doctor at this point. Anyone who gives shots each day for 2-3 months should get some sort of "honorary" nursing degree. I don't know if I could have done it.

Below- Two gallon-sized Ziploc storage bags full of used needles.




*We saved all of these because they need to be disposed of properly at a doctor's office*

So...the milestone....

Today is our last day of shots. No more shots, no more metformin, no more baby aspirin. As of today I am off all the meds and getting to live needle free! Every night (when getting the shot) I have wished it was 10 weeks. SO HAPPY we are finally there!!!!

Music to my ears....

I can honestly say that nothing in my life has sounded as amazing as hearing my baby's heart beat for the first time. I had a doctor's appointment yesterday, and although I was not scheduled to get an ultrasound, we ended up getting one at the doctor's request. The doctor wanted to check on the status of my OHSS (Ovarian Hyper Stimulated Syndrome). This is the condition that has made me have Monster Ovaries for the past two months. This is also the condition that has kept me from being able to exercise for the past two months.

The best news is....Baby Bice is growing and healthy and has a VERY healthy 178 beats per minute heart beat. The good news is my ovaries are finally starting to shrink and I have been given the "ok" to start exercising again, as long as I am not over doing it (no half marathons in my near future).

We had our first ultrasound was when I was approximately 6 and a 1/2 weeks along. Since then, we haven't had one. I also haven't had any major symptoms. No morning sickness or anything to keep me assured all was well. So getting this ultrasound was a blessing. It reassured me all is well with the baby and he or she is growing properly. Hearing that heart beat, strong and loud, was like music to my ears!

I will post some new pictures of Baby Bice soon! It's amazing how much they change in just a few short weeks. We are so proud!! 9 weeks down, 31 to go!!!

Ending Radio Silence

I feel like I haven’t written anything in forever. I guess the truth is I don't have much that is blog worthy right now....At least that doesn't involve information has to wait and wait and wait to be said. I kept saying this blog wasn’t just an IVF blog, it was supposed to be about other things too, but it seems that the only things truly interesting in our lives right now revolve around IVF.

I choose to make our process very public and blog about everything that has occurred. Most people knew the day we were supposed to find out if our IVF had been successful. Family, friends, co-workers and those who read our blog (all 2 of you) followed along while we went to appointment after appointment. Once we found out whether we were pregnant or not, there would be no way of hiding our answer to those we encounter everyday. But……we have been able to keep our news off the blog. Which for me, really means radio silence…as I can’t seem to find anything else to blog about.

I have great fears about telling people about a pregnancy so early. But, what is too early? I believe ten to twelve weeks is the norm, right? But, like I have said before, nothing about this pregnancy has been normal for us. Also, I don’t think I can continue radio silence on the blog……it’s much too boring. So…today, at 7 weeks…I would like to introduce you to Baby Bice…………



We are expecting a SINGLETON (thank you God) baby due November 19, 2011. The actual baby is in between the two + signs, that blob on the top which looks like a giant head (which we will expect our child to have) is actually it's yolk sac (saying those words makes me gag). We graduated from the Fertility Specialist on Tuesday and have already started seeing my regular OB! We couldn't be happier and the doctors say everything is going perfectly so far! We got to see a beautiful and strong heartbeat and it relieved so many of my fears!

Yes....I realize it's very early (stop judging me)...but I can not (in good conscience) continue the blogging silence.

Patience

Patience has never been a trait of mine. When Brandon and I first started trying to get pregnant I could barely stand the TWW. I can't tell you how many times I took pregnancy tests, long before it was possible to even know. But, pregnancy tests are expensive, so that had to end!

I used to pray all the time for patience. I would always ask the Lord "Please teach me to be more patient" and not just in the TWW, but with co-workers and friends, and God's general plan for Brandon and I. Patience and Lauren Bice don't generally go well together in a sentence.

About 6 months ago I was at the gym in the cardio theater room watching Evan Almighty (of all movies). I had never seen it before and although I love Steve Carell and found the movie mildly entertaining....I had no idea it was about to change my outlook on patience.

At one point in the movie Steve Carell's character is questioning what God has asked him to do (build an ark) and the decisions he has made. God, played by Morgan Freeman, says this during the movie......

Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?

I nearly fell off the treadmill. And I know I cried (so glad the theater room is dark)! It was exactly what I needed to hear and seemed to fit our situation perfectly. I have stopped praying for patience and instead have started praying for and embracing my opportunities to be patient. I can't say it's made me a more patient person, but it's changed my outlook on certain situations.....and given me lots of comfort. Who knew a silly movie like Evan Almighty could do that?

The Two Week Wait (TWW)

The dreaded two week wait. That time between "ovulating" (or in our case- Egg Retrieval) and finding out if you are pregnant. Over the last year and a half Brandon and I have learned to handle the TWW pretty well. Although, I won't lie...it's the longest, most awful two weeks that seem to drag on with no intention of ever ending (and yes...I am slightly exaggerating).

Thankfully our wait ends tomorrow. I go to the doctor first thing in the morning for a blood pregnancy test. I will learn the results sometime tomorrow afternoon. We are both so excited! And nervous!

Monday night and early Tuesday I started having symptoms that led me to believe this IVF procedure had NOT been successful. Thankfully the symptoms have subsided. I can honestly say I don't know what to think about this pregnancy test tomorrow. I think it could truly go either way, positive or negative.

Brandon and I have come a long way in our infertility journey. We have passed many many milestones and are honestly proud of ourselves and where we are today. We are ready for the next step (hopefully pregnancy). But, if we are not pregnant, we are ready for that, too. We are saying our prayers, crossing our fingers, and keeping our attitudes positive! Hopefully this time tomorrow.....we will be parents!

Nearly a dozen....

Wednesday morning Brandon and I were up and going early. We both had our retrievals scheduled and everything went well. Brandon and I are both terribly sore. We are walking so gingerly you may mistake us for the elderly. The discomfort that I am feeling can not be compared to any discomfort I have had before, as I have never felt anything quite like it. And Brandon's discomfort isn't much better.

Thankfully, after talking with our doctor yesterday, the pain has been completely worthwhile. We learned that the doctor retrieved 18 eggs from my ovaries. Of those 18 eggs, 12 were considered "mature" and could be used in the fertilization process. They attempted to fertilize 12 eggs and 10 successfully fertilized! There it is......10 fertilized eggs. 10 chances at having a baby Bice.

Brandon and I are so excited! There is such a huge sense of relief that has swept over the both of us. Although we both feel very positive about our transfer, if for some reason it doesn't work the first time, we feel truly blessed to have at least 7 or 8 potential frozen embryos that was can work with in the future.

Our first transfer attempt will be on Monday! We are keeping our fingers crossed and our thoughts positive as we go into what could be our first pregnancy!

Expecting the Unexpected......

Just a quick blog to discuss some of the "interesting" things at come along with IVF. These are they things they don't tell you about in the IVF books. Or maybe they do.....I haven't read a single IVF book (maybe I should?).

One of the first things that really surprised me was how crumby all the medications made me feel. Although the shots do not appear to have any real side effect, the combination of birth control and metformin left me nauseous yet starving, yet not able to name a single item of food I wanted to eat. I was told my symptoms were similar to morning sickness of a pregnant woman, minus the pregnancy.

When our doctor told me I had to stop all physical activity I was shocked. No running, no cardio, no weight lifting classes. NO PHYSICAL ACTIVITY....aside from walking (*wahoo). Although I assumed I would have to take it easy directly after the retrieval and leading up to the transfer, I had no idea it would be necessary for me to stop activity over a week before the procedure.

The reason I can't do any activities is also my third unexpected thing about IVF. My ovaries get huge. "Like cannonballs," says my fertility doctor. Apparently, as we make as many eggs as we can, my ovaries get full and heavy. Any physical activity can actually make the cannonballs (ovaries) twist...which could lead to problems. Aside from potential of twisting, I can actually feel the fullness in my abdomen and pelvic area. The dr. says it will only get worse over the next week and a half and approximately one week after the retrieval it could be at it's worst. Causing discomfort, bloating, heaviness, nausea, and difficulty breathing. When the ovaries have no where to go, they push up....causing these symptoms. I feel the heaviness already and *can't wait to feel their full potential.

*sarcasm

Eggs anyone?

Today I had another ultrasound and this was the beautiful sight I got to see.....

THESE ARE EGGS.....NOT BABIES (please don't get excited...unless you just love to get excited about eggs)


Please note this is not a picture of my actual ovary with eggs. If these were my eggs they would look a lot more like me!

BUT.....My eggs are looking good and big (big is what we want) and healthy! Brandon and I go back to the doctor on Sunday (yep, Sunday) for a quick ultrasound and reassurance that all is well.

Then....next week (Tuesday or Wednesday) we will retrieve those perfectly plumped eggs from my ovaries and proceed to make baby Bice's. This time next week we will be done with retrieval and getting ready to head into the embryo transfer. Which means by the second week of March.....we will know if it was successful!

Goooooo eggs!

How a fever almost ruined 4 weeks of preparations

Mid-January Brandon and I started our long awaited process leading to our IVF procedure. At first it was simple enough with medications. Then slowly shots were added. At this point I am a professional self-shot-giver. Sure...there are a few bruises here and there, but I think that's from laziness in technique! Then, we added more shots. These shots go in my lower back (which is just a nice way of saying upper butt). Although the shots themselves don't necessarily hurt (at least not every time), they go directly in the muscle, leaving the muscle sore and me walking a little delicately!

The point of all this is.....we were scheduled to have our egg retrieval next week. Things were going smoothly and just as planned.

Then I got sick on Monday. I didn't have the flu. I didn't have strep throat. But I had a fever. A nasty fever that I couldn't seem to control or get rid of. And apparently fevers can sometimes be harmful to producing healthy eggs, which is what I have been doing for the past month with medications and shots.

When my doctor told me this might be a problem I think my heart skipped a beat. I was terrified. We had been so patient (most of the time) and waited our turn. If we had to postpone our procedure I was going to be heartbroken. Period.

Thankfully (so thankfully), I had my blood work drawn today and everything seems good to go. As of right now we are scheduled to have our egg retrieval and transfer next week. Although I may never be able to fully describe the pain and sadness that comes with infertility, for the first time in so long Brandon and I get to experience the excitement that comes along with potentially starting our family. An excitement we will never take for granted.

Our journey started nearly two years ago and it's so hard to believe that this time next week the "hard part", as Brandon puts it, will be over. I laugh at that, because in my eyes....the "hard part" will be just beginning.