Quick look into the daily routine of FET's

Barren Pharmacy provides us with all of our injectable drugs for IVF.  These include needles for Lupron and Progesterone Oil.  Progesterone Oil has to be drawn from the vile by a certain gauge needle, then injected in the body by a different gauge needle.  So...for the two medications, I actually have to have 3 separate sets of needles.  Receiving our shipment of medications looked a little like this.....

I honestly feel like some sort of addict with all these needles!

Thankfully all of these shots are not taken at the same time.  Lupron shots are given in the belly and start early in the process.  They usually stop BEFORE the start of Progesterone Oil shots.

In addition to the injectables, there is a daily routine of medications that must be taken. That looks a little like this....

This picture includes my lupron shot, metformin (the giant white ones- see more about that in previous posts), estrodial (the little blue ones- which gets as high as 3 pills/day, and my prenatal vitamin (which is the horse sized maroon colored pill).  This picture does NOT include the birth control (which is taken for 2 weeks in the very beginning), the baby aspirin or the Estrogen patch which gets applied to the skin once every two days. 

Preparing the body for the FET means there are certain shots I don't have to take.....and it makes me happy!  This "routine" is actually a lighter load then the first time around with our IVF ICSI!  When it is all said and done...it's really no big deal when the final result is a beautiful baby! 

The next attempt with FET's will be in early April.  We would love to ask anyone out there reading this to send some prayers or happy thoughts our way!  We would truly appreciate it! 

Can't let go....

I could write you a list (a short one, though) of little things relating to Josie that I just can't let go of.  Our little peanut is only a handful months away from being a toddler, yet I am clutching certain baby items with a death grip, refusing to let go.

This morning, one such item came to mind, when I was awaken from my sleep.  The baby monitor.  Baby monitors were really designed for people with large houses.  Our home is comfortable and perfect for a family of 3, but large- it is not.  In fact, Josie's bedroom is directly across the hall from our bedroom.  If her crib were centered just right, I could probably throw something from my room to her crib, without even getting out of bed. 

I know the baby monitor comes in quite handy for those who have a long way to roam, which we don't.  Or even for those are comfortable going outside while the baby is sleeping.  As a tiny baby, we never did that.  As a soon-to-be toddler, even if she did wake up in the night and we were outside (doing what, I don't know?) we wouldn't go get her anyway.  We encourage her to sleep in her crib all night and self-soothe. 

The point of this is, I am still using my baby monitor like it's a necessity.  I use it like it's the first night she has ever slept in her crib and I have to be certain she is okay.  I use it like it helps.  It doesn't.  She is 7 feet away, across the hall.  I can hear every little cry or cough (because she is that close) without the device.  The monitor is not necessary.  Yet, for some reason and for my piece of mind, I turn it on every night. 

I had to chuckle at myself this morning as Jo was crying in her crib.  I heard her immediately.  No thanks to the monitor, though (that I had on, but apparently left the volume at zero).  Further proof  that I don't need that darn thing, yet I can't seem to let go of using it.  Silly, right?

Don't even get me started on how long I plan to continue to shove her little chubby thighs into her Bumbo seat (even though she is starting to master the art of standing up in the seat, thighs still engaged, and walk around) or how much longer I will let her have her morning milk out of a bottle.  It seems as though she gains a new independence everyday, but some she may have to fight for! 

The first, of many, very important life lessons

Brandon and I bought Josie a little potty about 3 weeks ago.  Considering she is only 15 months old, we recognize this may be slightly premature.  But, in our defense, there are several mornings where Josie wakes up completely dry.  Our reasoning would be to stick her on the potty immediately upon waking up dry.  How long could it really take for her to go the bathroom after holding it all night?  Can you guess how many times we have actually gotten her on the potty first thing in the morning? Let me help you here and offer a hint... It starts with zero.

Even though we are not using the potty like pros yet (please note yet is the important word here), we talk about it regularly and she sits on it at least once a day.  This evening right before bedtime she was making a huge fuss to sit on the tiny toilet. So, I got her ready and sat her on there.  She did her usual "sit down, stand up, sit down, stand up, look in the tiny bowl" routine several times.  Then, she sat down, stayed still and got very serious.  She was making all the sounds of an adult trying to use the restroom and I laughed while saying to Brandon, "she sounds like she is really trying to go"!

Then.......she stands up.  And the tiny toilet bowl is empty.  Yeah....She's 15 months old, shes not going to pee or poop in the potty, yet.  But, she continues her sit down, stand up routine a few more times.  I promise I only took my eyes off of her for 3 seconds, but I look up and guess what I see......?

She pooped!-  YEP!!!

Next...... To. The. Potty.  - uhhhh Yep.

On the floor.  - hmmm yep.

awesome.

I honestly think Josie knew she needed to go and had the absolute right intentions.  Unfortunately we would rather not encourage floor pooping.  But, this entire experience was a perfect lead into one of the more valuable life lessons we have discussed with Josie so far- Close only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades.


*and yes, I am aware this is the type of stuff most people do not want to hear about and she will be completely mortified by this one day.

**it should also be noted that we realize now we invested in the wrong type of potty.  Who wants to clean pee and poop after each successful go?  Not us.  We will be looking into something that attaches to the toilet seat.

The pharmacy that mocks me.

After our last meeting with our Fertility doctor, we were told to once again place an order for our IVF meds through Barren pharmacy.  And once again, the irony of the name of this pharmacy is not lost on me. 

Barren Pharmacy likely sells all types of drugs.  The fact that I have to special order my IVF meds from this place makes me chuckle and cringe at the same time, every time.

Really pharmacy?  Barren?  You couldn't have come up with a fluffier name that makes women who obviously can't have kids on their own feel a little less inadequate?  Ha! 

I brought this up to my doctor last week.  I thought, surely, after being in the biz for so long she, too would have had a good laugh at the irony of this name.  She was shocked.  Apparently she and none of her staff ever thought of it this way.  I hope I didn't ruin it for them.

I hate being mocked.  By a pharmacy, none the less.  Sometimes irony is hilariously harsh. Hmph.

FET #1

The morning of:
I was so nervous waiting to hear from the doctor about what time to come into the office for our first Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET). First thing that morning the doctor would have to start thawing embryos. If the first set didn't produce one good thaw, I would have to wait for the next set (each set had two frozen embryos). Brandon and I decided ahead of time that we would only transfer one embryo at a time to reduce our risk of having multiples. Although I would have loved the opportunity to have twins, it was the right choice for our family. In the meantime, I was having to fill my bladder, because a full bladder is best anytime an embryo is being transferred.

The doctor finally called around 9:08 (not that I was being totally anal and watching the phone/clock endlessly). Only one embryo survived the thawing process. Since we only planned to transfer one, we are okay to proceed (although there was some sadness over losing one embryo). I was told to come into the office at 11:45. The procedure should be completed by 12:30-12:45. Take my Valium at 11 (wahoo) and hold my bladder for at least an hour prior to the procedure. Seems so easy, right? I sure hope so.  I was pretty surprised how quickly I felt the effects of my Valium.  I was extremely smiley for the first half hour or so!  I had to remind myself that this wasn't my normal "happy" face and tried hard not to scare anyone!

The morning after:
So glad things were simpler this time around. During our first IVF experience I was already deep into OHSS by the time my transfer date arrived. This time.....no pain, no bloating or no major discomfort. People kept asking how I felt, and I kept oddly answering "Fine. Like nothing happened."   After the transfer was made, I had to lie on the "reclined exam bed" with my feet up higher than my head for about 30 minutes.  It's certainly not my most attractive angle, but the time passes much faster than you might think (thanks, Valium)!

1 day after my FET (also written 1dpfet) I had some slight cramping. But, in the long run it was brief and barely noticeable. Once again we find ourselves in the two week wait (TWW), although it will be more like 10 days for us. once again I am analyzing every feeling and twinge. Once again we are traveling down our road of complete uncertainty...and we are excited.

10dpfet:
On Feb 22nd. I went in for my blood pregnancy test and later that afternoon I got the negative results.  Brandon and I were pretty bummed.  I guess the hardest thing for me was the fact that I was so certain the transfer had worked.  We hadn't told any of our immediate family about the transfer.  With IVF#1 we never got to have that "surprise, we are pregnant" moment because we were so public about our struggles with infertility and IVF.  So this time around we were really excited to keep it a secret from our families.  Honestly, it was easier that way, too.  Knowing that we didn't have to answer any phone calls and share our sad news was a relief.  This way, we were able to tell our families on our terms. 

Learning that the FET#1 didn't work was hard, but not as hard as I had expected.  I didn't cry (more than a couple of stray tears).  We sucked it up and kept on marching.  Honestly, I thought I would be an emotional basket case, but I wasn't.  It stung and our hearts ached, but were weren't broken.  I thank Josie for that.  15 month old babies don't want to sit down long enough to enjoy pity-parties.  She's not interested in being depressed.  And having her energy and excitement when I came home that day was exactly what I needed. 

Time marches on and I am pretty certain life does, too!  We have decided to jump right back into embryo transfers and will start working towards FET#2.  It's a little scarier this time, as we both realize this will be our last time.  I will continue to remind myself that this has all been planned out for us.  Often in ways we can't understand.  What is meant to happen will happen.  It's His will and plan.  And we will continue to be thankful, daily, for our beautiful daughter!

And the process continues

IVF #2- I started writing this in January-

After the first week of medications (Birth Control and Metformin), my body started to get used to the metformin.  Thankfully I was able to ease myself back into a carb filled life and I was a much happier camper.  I am still taking the metformin, 3x's a day as much as the first week in fact, but it no longer causes the constant dramatic side effects. Although too much carbs or fried food and have me feeling pretty yucky pretty quick.

So here is what IVF #2 has amounted to so far:
1/2- Metformin and Birth Control
1/7- HSG *
1/11- Ultrasound - Start lupron shots**
1/18- last day of birth control
1/19- cycle
1/22- start estrogen pills and estrogen patch
2/1- Ultrasound and blood work
2/6- Ultrasound to check uterine lining and blood work
2/7- started progesterone oil shots (ouch)
2/9- learn to give the progesterone oil shots to myself (more on that later)
2/10- nausea (from hormones?)
2/10- fully hormonal....I am a mess!
2/12- FET...yikes....

2/13- slight cramping and abdominal twinges
2/16- nausea nausea nausea (don't remember this from IVF#1)
2/18- progesterone levels checked- all seems good
2/22- blood pregnancy test....yikes

*It's funny.  For some reason I was thinking the HSG was going to be simple blood work.  I have no clue why that was what I assumed it was, because it's not.  Nope.  Not at all.  So if you are heading into see your RE and they ordered you to have an HSG test it's actually a Hysterosalpingogram (easy for me to say, right?  Now I understand why they call it HSG).  It doesn't take very long.  What they do is place iodine dye in your cervix, then take x-rays of your uterus and fallopian tubes.  I had this done the first time...so you think I would have remembered...but apparently not.  It's totally normal to have this test done when starting the IVF process.  And chances are pretty good I will have to do this again if we have a successful pregnancy and want to "try" for more children. 

**Regular ultrasound to ensure I was ready for the Lupron shots.  I started 10 units of Lupron on this day.

Process #2 has certainly been much different than process #1.  I think a lot of it has to do with my state of mind.  I understand the process a little more this time around, although I will never brag as to knowing exactly what is going on. The process itself is insane and goes by so quickly it is hard to keep up with.  After a month or two you look back and think it's all a big blur....and it is.

This time around I did not have to go to see the RE all the time.  For #1 I felt like I was in their offices sometimes 2-3 times a week.  It makes sense.....the first time around they had to monitor my ovaries. They had to be absolutely sure my ovaries were producing healthy eggs.  They had to be certain there weren't too few and there weren't too many.  And most of all...the timing had to be absolutely perfect or my body would release the eggs on it's own and the entire process would be foiled.  So, it makes sense that I was there ALL THE TIME. 

For #2 my ovaries are practically ignored.  Since we have 4 frozen embryos, I do not need my ovaries to produce eggs.  In fact, we do not want them to function at all.  We are basically taking my ovaries completely out of the picture.  They are still making some eggs, but they are small and few and nothing to worry too much about at this point.  The best part about nixing my ovaries from process #2....no chance of suffering from OHSS this time around!  SWEET!!!

Sadly on the afternoon of 2/22 I received a call from my nurse letting me know our first FET had not resulted in a pregnancy. Both Brandon and I were pretty sad to receive this news (obviously). I think it was hardest because I was so certain I WAS pregnant. With IVF#1 I basically had zero pregnancy symptoms and was certain it had not happened. This time, I thought I knew the little feelings and twinges I was experiencing and I was sure it was leading us to a positive pregnancy test. My doctor warned me early on not to invest too much in any early symptoms, as these were often created by the multiple medications I was taking.

Although my heart hurt once my nurse told me our sad news, knowing that I had a sweet, healthy, amazing 15 month old at home, made the news much easier to take. Brandon and I are always aware that Josie is our miracle child. She happened when the odds were against. She happened while my body was doing all it could to reject IVF #1. She happened despite the fact that my husband's body planned to never give him a chance. She is our blessing.....and we know this every day. I have never dreamed of having only one child, but we know nothing about our journey has been the way we imagined.

Luckily we still have two frozen embryos. We hope to have the opportunity to try again. We hope this will lead to a healthy pregnancy. We hope Josie will end up with an additional sibling (or two). And if she doesn't...we will continue to be thankful for our beautiful blessing.

The truth behind Metformin and IVF

Written in January 2013.....

Ugh. Although "ugh" isn't likely considered a complete sentence on it's own, it is my current physical and mental state, so I am allowing it.  If only just this once.

At the beginning of this year my sweet husband and I started the journey and process to IVF #2.   And, just like it went the first time around, the process starts with a cycle.  Followed that day or soon there after with birth control and metformin.  (I realize there are those who do not follow this exact regiment for IVF....so our protocols may be a little off). 

Metformin.  Ahh, metformin.  I hate this drug with a passion.  Because of this drug I still cannot even smell greek yogurt with out feeling like I want to vomit.  I couldn't even look at chicken for the first 6 months of my pregnancy without wanting to jump off a building.  Wonder if that's normal?

For those that don't know, Metformin can be used to regulate sugar levels, hormones, ovulation cycles and reduce the risk of miscarriages, thus improving pregnancy rates in IVF.  It is a drug more commonly used in women who suffer from PCOS and who are preparing for IVF. 

The dear dear side effects of metformin are:

Nausea. (GIANT check)
Loss of appetite. (nope...the complete opposite)
Diarrhea. (check)
A metallic taste (and no...that's weird)

And the best part about these side effects?  Eating carbs seems to kick them into high gear!  So if you decide to have that english muffin for breakfast, you should expect to spend quite a bit of quality time in the bathroom the rest of the morning. 

Last time around (known from this point on as IVF #1) I was sick as a dog on Metformin.  My fertility doctor and nurses kept saying "eat low/no carb and high protein" and you will feel much better.  They suggested yogurt, chicken, cottage cheese, any kind of cheese, and protein protein protein.  So if you are wondering why greek yogurt and chicken made me want to turn tail and run...it's because those two things were the only foods I felt comfortable eating.  All the time.  Like...every meal.  And after about 2 months of that, I didn't ever ever ever want to see them ever again.  I broke up with them, and I was serious! 

So here we are, on to IVF #2, and I bet you can guess what my doctor and nurses are suggesting I eat!?    I don't know what to do.  I never experienced morning sickness with my first pregnancy (Thank you, Lord), but I am guessing this is pretty close to what morning sickness must feel like.  I am constantly dealing with nausea.  All day.  To the point where my mouth is watering and I am sure it's going to be a mad dash to the toilet.  But...all the while...I am SOOOOO hungry.  I want to eat EVERYTHING that has carbs.  Bread....potatoes....crackers....cereal.  Seriously, you don't want to know what I would do for an english muffin right now! 

It's supposed to get better.  And I know from experience that it does.  But, man oh man, it seems to be taking it's sweet time getting to that "better point".