Over the past few weeks I have had a strange, new sinking feeling in my gut. And no, it's not the excess of Halloween candy! I have been having mixed feelings about our plan to try IVF ICSI in January (yes, just months after announcing our decision to try again). When it comes to the IVF process, I have always been the one who was ready to GO, GO, GO with almost no questions asked. Having doubts (outside of the regular "will this work" doubt) about starting a new round is completely new and foreign to me.
This morning, I sat at our kitchen island sipping coffee while Brandon made breakfast (he truly is a keeper). We had a rare moment of adult conversation, while Josie played in the living room! I contemplated telling Brandon about my recent reservations against another round of IVF ICSI. Since it appeared we had a few moments to talk, I decided to dive into my thoughts. As I talked through my recent feelings, I could actually see the stress and anxiety lifting from my husband's shoulders.
We have both had reservations about this new round of IVF ICSI, that much we have discussed already. But diving deeper into the plan, we both agree the timing, the doctors, the financial aspects and the potential new insurance coverage have felt "off". My amazing husband had these reservations already, but was planning to go through with it all, knowing how much I wanted to have another baby. Up until the past month, my thoughts on having another baby and being pregnant again have been coupled with urgency! It had to be something that was done and as soon as we could possibly handle it. All of a sudden that urgency has been replaced by contentment. Life is good for us right now! We have an amazing little girl who will turn 4 in less than two weeks! We no longer deal with diapers and bottles and teething, and the inability to do most tasks. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty more life phases we are preparing ourselves for, but as of right now, life is good!
Both Brandon and I agree that we want another child. But, we also agree that now does not feel like the right time. I don't know why, but it just doesn't seem right. Maybe there is something else waiting to happen to us in the next few months. Maybe there are other opportunities that we are meant to encounter that we don't even know exist. In my heart, I just know the timing is wrong. So, for now, we are planning to put IVF ICSI on the back burner. We plan to revisit this possibility in 6 months or so. We will see where our heads and our hearts are then. For now, we are going to enjoy our perfect little family and making lots of fun memories!
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Saturday, November 7, 2015
Tuesday, September 15, 2015
Hello World!
Oh my... It's been so many months since I visited the blog world that I was dreading even opening my blogger account. Life carries on, as we all know, whether we want it to or not. And not surprisingly, the blogger world has continued to turn even in my absence. In March 2014 the Bice family moved from Knoxville, TN to Champaign, IL. I approached this move as an adventure for our entire family. Moving 500 miles from our family and friends was scary and overwhelming, but calling it an adventure took a lot of the anxiety out of it for me. Go figure.
Brandon really loves the company that he works for and I am grateful I to have the opportunity to stay home with Josie. It has been a learning experience, for both her and I, to say the least. I wasn't sure we would survive the first few weeks together, but once we established a routine life became much simpler. Two weeks ago Jojo started preschool (whhaaat....my baby) and two weeks ago I started something new, too! It's called peeing in privacy and it's amazing. Although we love our time together, preschool has been a pleasant break for us both. I plan to use this extra time (which is actually only a few hours a day, two days a week) to start writing again and running OUTSIDE again and reminding myself that the task of grocery shopping ISN'T a punishment from God.
Although the blog will include our everyday happenings, I want to focus a lot of my blog energy on our struggles through infertility and the process that comes with IVF ICSI. Everything from initial diagnosis, meeting doctors, costs to conception. IVF and IVF ICSI are not for the faint of heart. Infertility comes with hundreds of questions, symptoms and diagnosis and if I can help at least one person better understand their situation or simply learn from my own, I would be happy! Brandon and I plan or start a brand new round of IVF ICSI in January with a brand new doctor in a semi-new state. I plan to blog every step of the way! So check back often for updates and new information. Maybe we will walk this road together....maybe you aren't as alone in this journey as you thought!
Monday, November 7, 2011
9 days left....random thoughts followed by more emotions. This pregnancy should really end soon!
Are you sick of reading about my pregnancy in EVERY.SINGLE.BLOGPOST? Yeah....me too. Sorry. I guess it's all I really have to talk about right now, considering there is a giant human child growing inside of me. The good news is.....With this baby arriving any day now, this may be the last (or close to last) pregnancy post you have to read. If that is not enough to satisfy you....then, please, feel free to stop reading right now.
Now...some final comments on this pregnancy.......
I laugh at myself each morning for putting on my wedding band and engagement ring. Even while putting them on, I know they won't stay on my finger for more than an hour or two before my ring finger is turning a shade of blue and I am desperately trying to get them off. Every single day I have at least one moment of panic that I can't get the rings off my newly fattened sausage finger, you think I would learn to just not wear them. Swelling.....thanks so much!
I haven't dilated more than 1 cm in the past three weeks. I go back to the doctor tomorrow and am truly hoping for some good news. Please, please, please don't let me be that lady who has to be induced at 1 cm. This is my only true fear right now. Being naive is what has gotten me through this pregnancy.
I don't want to go past my due date, for many reasons....but the biggest reason is because I don't want to have to spend Thanksgiving in the hospital. How am I supposed to enjoy the smells of turkey, dressing, and homemade goodies from my mom when all I can really smell is antiseptic, cleaning products, and other gross hospital smells (and don't act like you don't know that hospitals smell funny). I have 9 days left where it can be about me.....and I want Thanksgiving at home.......yeah, I know....it's disgustingly selfish (and trust me, I feel really awful for saying it).
Sometimes in the middle of the night when I wake up to pee, for a moment I totally forget that I am pregnant. That moment fades the second I try to get out of bed. These days, I resort to a Roll/Shift/Pull method.....and that's just to get me sitting up on the edge of the bed. Actually getting out of the bed is a whole other method of it's own. If this pregnancy has taught me anything, it's that core strength truly IS as important as all those trainers have been telling us for years. Also....I don't ever want to be 30 pounds overweight (and not pregnant)....it's too much stress and strain on muscles and joints.
I attempted to paint my toenails last night. First off, I am shocked this didn't sent me into labor. Second, I am in desperate need of a pedicure. Every time I put on shoes with shoe laces I cuss because it's so freaking uncomfortable to get my feet close enough to pull off this maneuver. I also say a prayer that they don't come untied during the day and I back the prayer up with double (and sometimes triple) knotting. Shoe laces coming untied would be a complete disaster in my life right now.
I have some co-workers who ask me EVERY MORNING when I come to work "You are here? (yes...they phrase it like a question) So, you didn't have the baby yet?" I won't even go into the responses that run through my head with these questions. I will tell you, it takes everything inside of me to not be a total and complete smart ass. EVERYTHING.
Nothing warms my heart more than listening to Brandon tell me how excited he is to meet his daughter and how much he can't wait to see her and hold her in his arms. I know, already, that he will be an amazing father. He already loves his little girl so much! It gives me confidence and hope that together we will be good parents, even when we have NO clue as to what we are doing!
Having said that, Brandon is requesting that Josie arrive during the evening of Friday, November 18th. Apparently there is good stuff on TV that night and if she would be so inclined as to grant him this one itsy bitsy tiny favor, he feels as though the time in the hospital could be spent wisely with television programming, Football games, etc. I laugh every time he tells me this, but at the same time, I have a sinking feeling he may get his wish. Wouldn't that be nuts?
Sometimes I forget how lucky we are. Not only that we are getting ready to become a family of three, but that this has been such an easy, stress-free pregnancy. I forget that this child is our miracle. Too easily I forget that it can be incredibly rare to get pregnant the first go around with IVF ICSI! Sometimes I forget the year of pain, emotional and physical, that Brandon and I both endured to get here. Too often I forget that this could be our one chance at a biological child. Somewhere along the way we went from the couple struggling with infertility to your average, every day parents-to-be. I have to say, I prefer that latter. At some point we will have to go back to being that couple who struggles with infertility (if we want more children), but for now....we are soaking up the idea that we are no more than your typical, naive, scared, clueless, every-day, run of the mill, parents to be! And for once.....we are completely comfortable with each of those adjectives!!! Infertility can be your dark secret, but Brandon and I have felt good about sharing our struggles and concerns along the way. I truly hope that some how, in the end, the blog posts that focused more on what we were going through will help someone else in their struggle. I know just writing about it often helped me.
My final thoughts on this matter (for now)....Josie Noelle is our blessing. I get emotional and teary-eyed every time I think about the fact that we get to meet her in just a few short days. No amount of swelling or weight gain or pain will ever change the fact that we would do this a thousand times over if it meant we got to go through this journey again! Every year we add things to our list of all that we are thankful for.....this year, our list will grow by leaps and bounds! This year, our greatest gift and blessing will be meeting our daughter and finally telling her how long we have waited for her, and how much we love her!
Now...some final comments on this pregnancy.......
I laugh at myself each morning for putting on my wedding band and engagement ring. Even while putting them on, I know they won't stay on my finger for more than an hour or two before my ring finger is turning a shade of blue and I am desperately trying to get them off. Every single day I have at least one moment of panic that I can't get the rings off my newly fattened sausage finger, you think I would learn to just not wear them. Swelling.....thanks so much!
I haven't dilated more than 1 cm in the past three weeks. I go back to the doctor tomorrow and am truly hoping for some good news. Please, please, please don't let me be that lady who has to be induced at 1 cm. This is my only true fear right now. Being naive is what has gotten me through this pregnancy.
I don't want to go past my due date, for many reasons....but the biggest reason is because I don't want to have to spend Thanksgiving in the hospital. How am I supposed to enjoy the smells of turkey, dressing, and homemade goodies from my mom when all I can really smell is antiseptic, cleaning products, and other gross hospital smells (and don't act like you don't know that hospitals smell funny). I have 9 days left where it can be about me.....and I want Thanksgiving at home.......yeah, I know....it's disgustingly selfish (and trust me, I feel really awful for saying it).
Sometimes in the middle of the night when I wake up to pee, for a moment I totally forget that I am pregnant. That moment fades the second I try to get out of bed. These days, I resort to a Roll/Shift/Pull method.....and that's just to get me sitting up on the edge of the bed. Actually getting out of the bed is a whole other method of it's own. If this pregnancy has taught me anything, it's that core strength truly IS as important as all those trainers have been telling us for years. Also....I don't ever want to be 30 pounds overweight (and not pregnant)....it's too much stress and strain on muscles and joints.
I attempted to paint my toenails last night. First off, I am shocked this didn't sent me into labor. Second, I am in desperate need of a pedicure. Every time I put on shoes with shoe laces I cuss because it's so freaking uncomfortable to get my feet close enough to pull off this maneuver. I also say a prayer that they don't come untied during the day and I back the prayer up with double (and sometimes triple) knotting. Shoe laces coming untied would be a complete disaster in my life right now.
I have some co-workers who ask me EVERY MORNING when I come to work "You are here? (yes...they phrase it like a question) So, you didn't have the baby yet?" I won't even go into the responses that run through my head with these questions. I will tell you, it takes everything inside of me to not be a total and complete smart ass. EVERYTHING.
Nothing warms my heart more than listening to Brandon tell me how excited he is to meet his daughter and how much he can't wait to see her and hold her in his arms. I know, already, that he will be an amazing father. He already loves his little girl so much! It gives me confidence and hope that together we will be good parents, even when we have NO clue as to what we are doing!
Having said that, Brandon is requesting that Josie arrive during the evening of Friday, November 18th. Apparently there is good stuff on TV that night and if she would be so inclined as to grant him this one itsy bitsy tiny favor, he feels as though the time in the hospital could be spent wisely with television programming, Football games, etc. I laugh every time he tells me this, but at the same time, I have a sinking feeling he may get his wish. Wouldn't that be nuts?
Sometimes I forget how lucky we are. Not only that we are getting ready to become a family of three, but that this has been such an easy, stress-free pregnancy. I forget that this child is our miracle. Too easily I forget that it can be incredibly rare to get pregnant the first go around with IVF ICSI! Sometimes I forget the year of pain, emotional and physical, that Brandon and I both endured to get here. Too often I forget that this could be our one chance at a biological child. Somewhere along the way we went from the couple struggling with infertility to your average, every day parents-to-be. I have to say, I prefer that latter. At some point we will have to go back to being that couple who struggles with infertility (if we want more children), but for now....we are soaking up the idea that we are no more than your typical, naive, scared, clueless, every-day, run of the mill, parents to be! And for once.....we are completely comfortable with each of those adjectives!!! Infertility can be your dark secret, but Brandon and I have felt good about sharing our struggles and concerns along the way. I truly hope that some how, in the end, the blog posts that focused more on what we were going through will help someone else in their struggle. I know just writing about it often helped me.
My final thoughts on this matter (for now)....Josie Noelle is our blessing. I get emotional and teary-eyed every time I think about the fact that we get to meet her in just a few short days. No amount of swelling or weight gain or pain will ever change the fact that we would do this a thousand times over if it meant we got to go through this journey again! Every year we add things to our list of all that we are thankful for.....this year, our list will grow by leaps and bounds! This year, our greatest gift and blessing will be meeting our daughter and finally telling her how long we have waited for her, and how much we love her!
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Measuring a year.......
525,600 minutes....how do you measure, measure a year?
I have never actually seen the musical/Broadway show Rent, but I am somewhat familiar (meaning I know guess about 60% of the words) with the song "Seasons of Love".
As I have been thinking about writing this blog, I find myself singing this song (mostly the refrain) over and over in my head.
This weekend marked one year since I wrote this blog..... http://thebicefamilyblog.blogspot.com/2010/10/creative-ways-to-make-baby.html
I look back at this blog and any of the blogs I wrote regarding our infertility and IVF process and my heart hurts for "Lauren and Brandon of one year ago". One year ago we had no idea where our lives were heading and what would come of our IVF process. One year ago I was terrified and barely able to be completely honest with myself that we may not be able to have children. The only answer we were given was that IVF ICSI was our only shot...no specifics, no guarantees, just lots of questions.
And here we are, almost exactly one year later, 34 weeks pregnant! I can tell you, briefly, how we measured this past year. I won't list every emotion that we have felt this past year, the insane highs and the scary lows...but the easiest way for me to measure this past year, is in LOVE. I know, it sounds so freaking corny, but it's true. This time last year we had no answers to the constant "When will you guys have kids?" We didn't know if it was possible to ever have children.
Only a few more weeks until we meet our daughter (I can't tell you how weird it feels to say that)! 525,600 minutes and here I am.....writing about our happy ending! We feel blessed, and lucky, and so much love! We will never forget this past year....where we started, what we went through, and our miracle outcome!
I have never actually seen the musical/Broadway show Rent, but I am somewhat familiar (meaning I
As I have been thinking about writing this blog, I find myself singing this song (mostly the refrain) over and over in my head.
This weekend marked one year since I wrote this blog..... http://thebicefamilyblog.blogspot.com/2010/10/creative-ways-to-make-baby.html
I look back at this blog and any of the blogs I wrote regarding our infertility and IVF process and my heart hurts for "Lauren and Brandon of one year ago". One year ago we had no idea where our lives were heading and what would come of our IVF process. One year ago I was terrified and barely able to be completely honest with myself that we may not be able to have children. The only answer we were given was that IVF ICSI was our only shot...no specifics, no guarantees, just lots of questions.
And here we are, almost exactly one year later, 34 weeks pregnant! I can tell you, briefly, how we measured this past year. I won't list every emotion that we have felt this past year, the insane highs and the scary lows...but the easiest way for me to measure this past year, is in LOVE. I know, it sounds so freaking corny, but it's true. This time last year we had no answers to the constant "When will you guys have kids?" We didn't know if it was possible to ever have children.
Only a few more weeks until we meet our daughter (I can't tell you how weird it feels to say that)! 525,600 minutes and here I am.....writing about our happy ending! We feel blessed, and lucky, and so much love! We will never forget this past year....where we started, what we went through, and our miracle outcome!
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
The Two Week Wait (TWW)
The dreaded two week wait. That time between "ovulating" (or in our case- Egg Retrieval) and finding out if you are pregnant. Over the last year and a half Brandon and I have learned to handle the TWW pretty well. Although, I won't lie...it's the longest, most awful two weeks that seem to drag on with no intention of ever ending (and yes...I am slightly exaggerating).
Thankfully our wait ends tomorrow. I go to the doctor first thing in the morning for a blood pregnancy test. I will learn the results sometime tomorrow afternoon. We are both so excited! And nervous!
Monday night and early Tuesday I started having symptoms that led me to believe this IVF procedure had NOT been successful. Thankfully the symptoms have subsided. I can honestly say I don't know what to think about this pregnancy test tomorrow. I think it could truly go either way, positive or negative.
Brandon and I have come a long way in our infertility journey. We have passed many many milestones and are honestly proud of ourselves and where we are today. We are ready for the next step (hopefully pregnancy). But, if we are not pregnant, we are ready for that, too. We are saying our prayers, crossing our fingers, and keeping our attitudes positive! Hopefully this time tomorrow.....we will be parents!
Thankfully our wait ends tomorrow. I go to the doctor first thing in the morning for a blood pregnancy test. I will learn the results sometime tomorrow afternoon. We are both so excited! And nervous!
Monday night and early Tuesday I started having symptoms that led me to believe this IVF procedure had NOT been successful. Thankfully the symptoms have subsided. I can honestly say I don't know what to think about this pregnancy test tomorrow. I think it could truly go either way, positive or negative.
Brandon and I have come a long way in our infertility journey. We have passed many many milestones and are honestly proud of ourselves and where we are today. We are ready for the next step (hopefully pregnancy). But, if we are not pregnant, we are ready for that, too. We are saying our prayers, crossing our fingers, and keeping our attitudes positive! Hopefully this time tomorrow.....we will be parents!
Friday, January 7, 2011
Am I on fire?
We ordered yet another IVF drug this afternoon. I had to order it from a pharmacy in Colorado. The pharmacy is called Barron Pharmacy. Barron (barren) pharmacy. Really? I am sure they deal with more than just IVF meds, but still.....terrible name, yet very very funny! I can't help but laugh every time I think of it. You can't make this stuff up! IRONY......(yelled towards the sky as I drop to my knees and pump my fists in the air) But, seriously, that's funny.
Lupron. We ordered Lupron. After placing the order, the woman (from Barron Pharmacy) proceeded to tell me that this drug can cause menopausal/post-menopausal like symptoms. She also said (her words) "Expect Hot Flashes."
Hmmm? This gets just a little more interesting every day. Bring on the hot flashes.
I may have to make this my motto!
Lupron. We ordered Lupron. After placing the order, the woman (from Barron Pharmacy) proceeded to tell me that this drug can cause menopausal/post-menopausal like symptoms. She also said (her words) "Expect Hot Flashes."
Hmmm? This gets just a little more interesting every day. Bring on the hot flashes.
I may have to make this my motto!
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Your "stuff" is in the mail
This morning I called the doctors office and let them know Brandon and I were prepared to start our IVF process in January. When we went to meet our doctor and had our consultation a couple of months ago, they told us to call approximately one month before we were ready to get the process rolling (we are about a month away). The receptionist informed me she would order my "stuff" and let me know once that was taken care of.
I was nervous to make that phone call this morning. I was supposed to call yesterday, but put it off another day because I couldn't bring myself to sit still long enough, gather my thoughts, and dial the phone. It makes me giddy to think that this time next month we could be counting down days and marking them off our calendar (not that I don't do that now). At the same time I am surprised that it took me 24 hours to dial a phone. I have stared at Wednesday, December 8th on my calendar for several weeks. Stared at the highlighted words that read "Contact Dr to get squared away for 01/11". For several weeks I looked at those words, knowing that was the day that I would officially say "Let's get this ball rolling"....yet it still took me a little extra time to make the call.
So I told the receptionist we were ready. She informed me they would order my "stuff" and they would call me back once that was done. My "stuff". My stuff. I don't even remember what my stuff will consist of....but I can't wait for it to come in. Like a late Christmas present, this stuff will bring us the hope of our own family. This time next year this stuff may result in a baby on the way. We have waited so long (feels like forever for me), I am praying for continued patience. I know we can make it one more month. Now I will wait for the phone call that says our "stuff" has arrived. While we wait, I will be grateful for the hope that will arrive along with our "stuff".
January....so close I can practically touch it. We are ready for the new year and for all the changes we know it brings our lives.
Also...I promise this isn't a blog about infertility, but it is a blog about our lives....and this is what eats up a lot of us right now. If you don't like the infertility posts, I apologize....but be prepared for more of them in the coming months as our lives venture farther down this path.
*Our Stuff- this will probably consist of hormone shots and birth control and whatever other goodies they plan to pump into my body over the next couple of months.
I was nervous to make that phone call this morning. I was supposed to call yesterday, but put it off another day because I couldn't bring myself to sit still long enough, gather my thoughts, and dial the phone. It makes me giddy to think that this time next month we could be counting down days and marking them off our calendar (not that I don't do that now). At the same time I am surprised that it took me 24 hours to dial a phone. I have stared at Wednesday, December 8th on my calendar for several weeks. Stared at the highlighted words that read "Contact Dr to get squared away for 01/11". For several weeks I looked at those words, knowing that was the day that I would officially say "Let's get this ball rolling"....yet it still took me a little extra time to make the call.
So I told the receptionist we were ready. She informed me they would order my "stuff" and they would call me back once that was done. My "stuff". My stuff. I don't even remember what my stuff will consist of....but I can't wait for it to come in. Like a late Christmas present, this stuff will bring us the hope of our own family. This time next year this stuff may result in a baby on the way. We have waited so long (feels like forever for me), I am praying for continued patience. I know we can make it one more month. Now I will wait for the phone call that says our "stuff" has arrived. While we wait, I will be grateful for the hope that will arrive along with our "stuff".
January....so close I can practically touch it. We are ready for the new year and for all the changes we know it brings our lives.
Also...I promise this isn't a blog about infertility, but it is a blog about our lives....and this is what eats up a lot of us right now. If you don't like the infertility posts, I apologize....but be prepared for more of them in the coming months as our lives venture farther down this path.
*Our Stuff- this will probably consist of hormone shots and birth control and whatever other goodies they plan to pump into my body over the next couple of months.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Learning to be grateful (slowly)......
The year 2010 hasn't exactly been kind to Brandon and I. I can't seem to recall another year where I have been thrilled to see the end, and even more excited to begin a new year. To put it bluntly, 2010 has been crappy. Although, if this is the toughest of years to come for Brandon and I, we will be incredibly lucky.
This year we dealt with and faced obstacles we were not expecting. Obviously (because I talk about it every few posts) we learned our fates in infertility. And of course, when you find out about infertility, you don't find out in one appointment (at least we didn't). You have to go through a series of appointments here with this doctor, and some there with that doctor, and you have to run tests and give samples and yada yada. No need to give you too many details. My point is, this wasn't something we learned early on in 2010. It was a crumby lesson we learned MORE AND MORE about as the year went on.
In March Brandon had his Lasik surgery. He was so pumped about it...and nervous! We thought this surgery was going to help make his life easier. Brandon is one of the few people whose surgery didn't go as planned. After Lasik, Brandon had irritation and infection in his corneas. After several rounds of medications, Brandon continued to experience blurry vision. Once the inflammation cleared up (months later), it was discovered that Brandon's surgery was done at the wrong prescription. Which, of course (unless Brandon wanted to go through life with bad vision- the thing we had hoped to solve) meant he would have to re-do the surgery.
Something I have had to learn recently (although not yet learned how to fully apply to my life) is that you have to find a way to be grateful even when things are not going the way you had planned. It is easy to be thankful when your life is going great, but seems so much harder when things are not going well.
We can't get pregnant on our own. Some days I get emotional just typing that sentence, so don't even ask me to say it out loud. But, I am thankful. I am thankful to be with a man who I know is the man I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. And I am thankful for how much stronger it has made our relationship and how much it has taught us about ourselves, patience, and love.
Brandon's eyes were messed up for many many months after his Lasik surgery. It became a stressful situation that quickly wore the both of us down. It was hard for me to see my husband, who is usually the happy-go-lucky guy, go through this alone (physically), as there was nothing I could do to help. Thankfully, in the end, Brandon's Lasik (the second time) was a success. Brandon has very few problems with his eyes now. And although it was a tough time for him and very stressful for the both of us, I am grateful for the growth it brought us, as a couple.
We are learning (even if slowly), that there are always reasons to be grateful- sometimes you just have to search a little harder. If we can teach ourselves to give thanks, in all circumstances (no matter what), we might actually get through this year...together, alive, and happy. Thank you 2010, for making us stronger and allowing us to grow together as husband and wife. Now please end...and bring on 2011!
This year we dealt with and faced obstacles we were not expecting. Obviously (because I talk about it every few posts) we learned our fates in infertility. And of course, when you find out about infertility, you don't find out in one appointment (at least we didn't). You have to go through a series of appointments here with this doctor, and some there with that doctor, and you have to run tests and give samples and yada yada. No need to give you too many details. My point is, this wasn't something we learned early on in 2010. It was a crumby lesson we learned MORE AND MORE about as the year went on.
In March Brandon had his Lasik surgery. He was so pumped about it...and nervous! We thought this surgery was going to help make his life easier. Brandon is one of the few people whose surgery didn't go as planned. After Lasik, Brandon had irritation and infection in his corneas. After several rounds of medications, Brandon continued to experience blurry vision. Once the inflammation cleared up (months later), it was discovered that Brandon's surgery was done at the wrong prescription. Which, of course (unless Brandon wanted to go through life with bad vision- the thing we had hoped to solve) meant he would have to re-do the surgery.
Something I have had to learn recently (although not yet learned how to fully apply to my life) is that you have to find a way to be grateful even when things are not going the way you had planned. It is easy to be thankful when your life is going great, but seems so much harder when things are not going well.
We can't get pregnant on our own. Some days I get emotional just typing that sentence, so don't even ask me to say it out loud. But, I am thankful. I am thankful to be with a man who I know is the man I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. And I am thankful for how much stronger it has made our relationship and how much it has taught us about ourselves, patience, and love.
Brandon's eyes were messed up for many many months after his Lasik surgery. It became a stressful situation that quickly wore the both of us down. It was hard for me to see my husband, who is usually the happy-go-lucky guy, go through this alone (physically), as there was nothing I could do to help. Thankfully, in the end, Brandon's Lasik (the second time) was a success. Brandon has very few problems with his eyes now. And although it was a tough time for him and very stressful for the both of us, I am grateful for the growth it brought us, as a couple.
We are learning (even if slowly), that there are always reasons to be grateful- sometimes you just have to search a little harder. If we can teach ourselves to give thanks, in all circumstances (no matter what), we might actually get through this year...together, alive, and happy. Thank you 2010, for making us stronger and allowing us to grow together as husband and wife. Now please end...and bring on 2011!
Friday, October 8, 2010
Creative ways to make a baby
A friend of mine recently suggested I read the Fall 2010 edition of Conceive Magazine (yep..they have a magazine for it). She had read it while in the waiting room at the doctor's office and thought there was a story in there I could relate to.
In reality I feel like I can relate to the entire magazine. Although I was unaware of it's existence, the magazine is basically a tool for any woman thinking about having children, actively trying to have children, with children, or struggling with infertility. I qualify for each of those categories, if you count my dogs as children! And honestly, most women qualify for one or more of those categories.
During our process of "trying" to get pregnant I read every website or blog I could find regarding the matter. I learned what all the abbreviations stood for (TTC, BFN (knew this one all too well), BFP, DH, SA, AF, IVF ICSI, IUI,etc, etc). I went to babycenter.com, a helpful tool for women. This site helps to track all those lovely ovulation "patterns" and gives you every early pregnancy symptom you can imagine. They even have an open discussion section for women who are TTC- Trying to Conceive. In the beginning I went to this site often. I stayed glued to the early symptoms and other women's accounts of what did or did not happen to them early in the process.
I became very aware of what the struggle of TTC can do to a person. Not only did I see major changes in myself, but I read about these women who obsessed that every little twinge could possibly spell out pregnancy. Initially I thought they were crazy. I thought to myself..."When I get pregnant, I will know. It won't be a guessing game or a early symptom checker...it will be obvious". But, as time went on and we continued to be crushed by our BFN's, I, too, found myself praying each little thing might mean we got pregnant. Eventually I had to say goodbye to babycenter, vowing to not revisit until we were indeed pregnant (because they can tell you each week what you baby looks like and how it is developing..it's really awesome).
Anyway...(I really got off topic)- I read through this magazine and could relate to most stories. Women who are struggling to get pregnant. Women who feel like they are failing at something that is supposed to be fun and easy. Women who get naturally envious about others who are getting pregnant, then feel completely guilty and awful for feeling that way. Women fighting the anger and sadness of not getting pregnant, both openly and behind closed doors. And finally, families struggling to find the financial means to have the children they have wanted for so long.
The final story in the magazine was like reading about my own life. It was a couple who, after TTC for nearly two years, learned that IVF was their only option. Everything was the same, even the reason for infertility. I felt like I knew this woman just by reading 10 paragraphs about her life. I felt like I should pick up the phone and call her and say "I know. I know what you experienced. I'm sorry." When this family learned that IVF was their only option, they didn't sit around and cry about it (for very long). Instead, they started a website to share their story and struggles with others suffering from the same problems. They decided to take donations to fund their procedure. The goal was to get anyone who visited the website to donate $1 to their cause. They hoped to get 20,000 visitors who were willing to donate! After one year of receiving donations and saving money on their end, the couple was able to have the procedure! It was successful! And less than a year later, they welcomed a beautiful, healthy little girl! The best part about this story was it's happy ending.
Don't worry. We don't plan to ask for any donations from readers. For a few very simple reasons-
1). I only have about 5 readers (if that) and that would require a very substantial donation from each of you.
2). Most of my readers are my friends....and I already know where you stand financially, it might be best for you to hang on to that money! Haha!
3). Brandon and I are confident we will have what we need to get started early 2011.
I just thought it was really inspiring to see a couple be so creative with their situation. Sometimes it seems silly for me to be upset over this process and then I read stories like these. It is such a nice reminder that it's okay to be sad and and angry sometimes. And it's okay to sulk (a little). And even though I hate it more than anything right now, it's okay to have some envy. Best of all, it's okay to continue to dream and hope that things will work out for the best. I try to remind myself that it could be worse. We haven't been told "it's not possible" and I am thankful for this every day. I hope this time next year I will be writing about our happy ending. And maybe, someone else struggling with the same issue will find comfort in our story.
In reality I feel like I can relate to the entire magazine. Although I was unaware of it's existence, the magazine is basically a tool for any woman thinking about having children, actively trying to have children, with children, or struggling with infertility. I qualify for each of those categories, if you count my dogs as children! And honestly, most women qualify for one or more of those categories.
During our process of "trying" to get pregnant I read every website or blog I could find regarding the matter. I learned what all the abbreviations stood for (TTC, BFN (knew this one all too well), BFP, DH, SA, AF, IVF ICSI, IUI,etc, etc). I went to babycenter.com, a helpful tool for women. This site helps to track all those lovely ovulation "patterns" and gives you every early pregnancy symptom you can imagine. They even have an open discussion section for women who are TTC- Trying to Conceive. In the beginning I went to this site often. I stayed glued to the early symptoms and other women's accounts of what did or did not happen to them early in the process.
I became very aware of what the struggle of TTC can do to a person. Not only did I see major changes in myself, but I read about these women who obsessed that every little twinge could possibly spell out pregnancy. Initially I thought they were crazy. I thought to myself..."When I get pregnant, I will know. It won't be a guessing game or a early symptom checker...it will be obvious". But, as time went on and we continued to be crushed by our BFN's, I, too, found myself praying each little thing might mean we got pregnant. Eventually I had to say goodbye to babycenter, vowing to not revisit until we were indeed pregnant (because they can tell you each week what you baby looks like and how it is developing..it's really awesome).
Anyway...(I really got off topic)- I read through this magazine and could relate to most stories. Women who are struggling to get pregnant. Women who feel like they are failing at something that is supposed to be fun and easy. Women who get naturally envious about others who are getting pregnant, then feel completely guilty and awful for feeling that way. Women fighting the anger and sadness of not getting pregnant, both openly and behind closed doors. And finally, families struggling to find the financial means to have the children they have wanted for so long.
The final story in the magazine was like reading about my own life. It was a couple who, after TTC for nearly two years, learned that IVF was their only option. Everything was the same, even the reason for infertility. I felt like I knew this woman just by reading 10 paragraphs about her life. I felt like I should pick up the phone and call her and say "I know. I know what you experienced. I'm sorry." When this family learned that IVF was their only option, they didn't sit around and cry about it (for very long). Instead, they started a website to share their story and struggles with others suffering from the same problems. They decided to take donations to fund their procedure. The goal was to get anyone who visited the website to donate $1 to their cause. They hoped to get 20,000 visitors who were willing to donate! After one year of receiving donations and saving money on their end, the couple was able to have the procedure! It was successful! And less than a year later, they welcomed a beautiful, healthy little girl! The best part about this story was it's happy ending.
Don't worry. We don't plan to ask for any donations from readers. For a few very simple reasons-
1). I only have about 5 readers (if that) and that would require a very substantial donation from each of you.
2). Most of my readers are my friends....and I already know where you stand financially, it might be best for you to hang on to that money! Haha!
3). Brandon and I are confident we will have what we need to get started early 2011.
I just thought it was really inspiring to see a couple be so creative with their situation. Sometimes it seems silly for me to be upset over this process and then I read stories like these. It is such a nice reminder that it's okay to be sad and and angry sometimes. And it's okay to sulk (a little). And even though I hate it more than anything right now, it's okay to have some envy. Best of all, it's okay to continue to dream and hope that things will work out for the best. I try to remind myself that it could be worse. We haven't been told "it's not possible" and I am thankful for this every day. I hope this time next year I will be writing about our happy ending. And maybe, someone else struggling with the same issue will find comfort in our story.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
I like roller coasters...
The mixture of excitement and nervousness has me rolled into a big ball of giddy. I feel like a child on Christmas morning (honestly). Brandon and I have experienced all of the major emotions that go along with attempting to get pregnant, finding out there is an issue, and the waiting and guessing that goes along with finding a solution. It's like we have been on some crazy baby roller coaster. We are both ready for that rush..and the feeling of our stomachs dropping long before our bodies do as we scream down the hill. But right now, we are making the steady climb and our car is slowly clicking up the big hill. One click at a time we get closer to the top, and our excitement is building up with each click.
Tomorrow we have our consultation/introductory meeting with our IVF specialist. We will learn (hopefully) what is in store for us in the coming months. We will learn what to expect both physically and financially, and what our possible outcomes may be (obviously, we really hope all of this leads to a baby). I have been waiting for this appointment for months. Seriously....MONTHS...just to find out some details. We won't even begin our "process" until next year, but there is something so soothing about having answers. They may not be ALL the answer, but SOME...that's enough for now.
I absolutely can not wait. Tomorrow will be a milestone for us! A relief for me (regardless of what we learn) and the beginning of something so new and long awaited for our little family. And when we do finally reach the top of our hill and our roller coaster starts to plummet downward like a speeding bullet....I will have my hands in the air and my eyes open. I plan to drink in every second. I don't want to miss a thing!
UPDATE: The excited nervousness has turned into nerves alone. I will be leaving the office in 30 minutes and all of a sudden the nerves are hitting hard. It's weird to me that I am feeling mixed emotions..and not the ones I expected. Right now, I am scared and feel like crying (I think that's just the nerves). Fingers crossed for something we can handle.....
Tomorrow we have our consultation/introductory meeting with our IVF specialist. We will learn (hopefully) what is in store for us in the coming months. We will learn what to expect both physically and financially, and what our possible outcomes may be (obviously, we really hope all of this leads to a baby). I have been waiting for this appointment for months. Seriously....MONTHS...just to find out some details. We won't even begin our "process" until next year, but there is something so soothing about having answers. They may not be ALL the answer, but SOME...that's enough for now.
I absolutely can not wait. Tomorrow will be a milestone for us! A relief for me (regardless of what we learn) and the beginning of something so new and long awaited for our little family. And when we do finally reach the top of our hill and our roller coaster starts to plummet downward like a speeding bullet....I will have my hands in the air and my eyes open. I plan to drink in every second. I don't want to miss a thing!
UPDATE: The excited nervousness has turned into nerves alone. I will be leaving the office in 30 minutes and all of a sudden the nerves are hitting hard. It's weird to me that I am feeling mixed emotions..and not the ones I expected. Right now, I am scared and feel like crying (I think that's just the nerves). Fingers crossed for something we can handle.....
Friday, April 23, 2010
Our answers.....
This blog was written many months ago...and held onto. I have updated it, obviously, along the way. But here is a very small peek into the struggle our hearts have felt for the past months!
I have known since I was a very little girl that I wanted to be a mother some day. Growing up I wanted lots of kids. As a young woman in high school and even college I always said I wanted 7 kids by Jackie Chan (why him? Umm hello...it's Jackie Chan) Having a large family is a dream I have had most of my life, much like many women. As Brandon and I approached this point in our lives we agreed to disagree on the number of children we would have. He wants 2, I want 3-5. We just assumed it would be something that would be worked out on it's own by determining our personal abilities to be parents (like that matters), our financial situations, and how much we even liked our kids (haha).
I guess we never considered the fact that we couldn't get pregnant. There aren't little girls out there having dreams of infertility. Playing "house" where the 'wanna-be mommy and daddy' have to go see specialists just to be a parents. Thankfully as children we don't think that way. Unfortunatlely, as adults.....we don't think that way.... unless we have to.
In the back of our minds, we knew our process wouldn't be easy. We both had a feeling something wasn't exactly right. Thankfully we did not wait longer than 8 months of trying to go to the doctor and get things checked out.
So, here we are, 11 months into trying to conceive. Eleven months...it does not seem that long to those who struggled for years to get pregnant. But, for anyone who has had to wait, 11 months can seem like a lifetime. Each month like a personal let down. It's own little heart breaker....back to the drawing board/waiting game. This struggle isn't something I have kept to myself (although I have not blogged about it..until now). Our families and some of our friends have been through each month right by our sides. Each doctors visit and some of my tears (tears of sadness, but mostly frustration).
And here we are, 11 months of trying to conceive and we finally have some answers. I am thankful we have answers (and we must have some answers, as I promised Brandon I would not post this blog until we knew something for sure).
And here it is...The only option Brandon and I have for our own biological children is IVF ICSI. Basically...in vitro fertilization. It's a mouthful, I know. But, just knowing has brought so much relief to my heart!! Today I am more hopeful than I have been in a long time...and my grin is nearly ear to ear!
And our new journey begins. And I will have to learn to not ask "why us?" I will have to let go of the anger that I sometimes feel for the paths we have to take. This is not a set back, this is our life. This is the way it was planned for us. This is the time to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and attempt to walk with our heads high. Tears are okay, but continuing with our lives is a MUST. That, we know for sure. And we finally have our answers....
I have known since I was a very little girl that I wanted to be a mother some day. Growing up I wanted lots of kids. As a young woman in high school and even college I always said I wanted 7 kids by Jackie Chan (why him? Umm hello...it's Jackie Chan) Having a large family is a dream I have had most of my life, much like many women. As Brandon and I approached this point in our lives we agreed to disagree on the number of children we would have. He wants 2, I want 3-5. We just assumed it would be something that would be worked out on it's own by determining our personal abilities to be parents (like that matters), our financial situations, and how much we even liked our kids (haha).
I guess we never considered the fact that we couldn't get pregnant. There aren't little girls out there having dreams of infertility. Playing "house" where the 'wanna-be mommy and daddy' have to go see specialists just to be a parents. Thankfully as children we don't think that way. Unfortunatlely, as adults.....we don't think that way.... unless we have to.
In the back of our minds, we knew our process wouldn't be easy. We both had a feeling something wasn't exactly right. Thankfully we did not wait longer than 8 months of trying to go to the doctor and get things checked out.
So, here we are, 11 months into trying to conceive. Eleven months...it does not seem that long to those who struggled for years to get pregnant. But, for anyone who has had to wait, 11 months can seem like a lifetime. Each month like a personal let down. It's own little heart breaker....back to the drawing board/waiting game. This struggle isn't something I have kept to myself (although I have not blogged about it..until now). Our families and some of our friends have been through each month right by our sides. Each doctors visit and some of my tears (tears of sadness, but mostly frustration).
And here we are, 11 months of trying to conceive and we finally have some answers. I am thankful we have answers (and we must have some answers, as I promised Brandon I would not post this blog until we knew something for sure).
And here it is...The only option Brandon and I have for our own biological children is IVF ICSI. Basically...in vitro fertilization. It's a mouthful, I know. But, just knowing has brought so much relief to my heart!! Today I am more hopeful than I have been in a long time...and my grin is nearly ear to ear!
And our new journey begins. And I will have to learn to not ask "why us?" I will have to let go of the anger that I sometimes feel for the paths we have to take. This is not a set back, this is our life. This is the way it was planned for us. This is the time to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and attempt to walk with our heads high. Tears are okay, but continuing with our lives is a MUST. That, we know for sure. And we finally have our answers....
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