Broken Hearted.

Our problems really are minuscule in comparison with the aftermath of Boston and Texas and different areas all over the world.  But, none the less, they are ours.  They brought sadness and despair, regardless of what level.  And I won't downplay them, although they are not nearly as traumatic.

On Friday, April 19th I got a phone call from our nurse.  She informed us that the blood pregnancy test that I submitted that morning had come back positive.  "But", she said.....and naturally my heart dropped, she didn't advise we tell many people just yet.  Our HCG levels (the pregnancy hormone- also known the beta hormone) were low.  Almost unmeasurable.  I wouldn't be surprised if my heart actually stop for a few beats at this point.  The nurse told us there may be a couple of reasons for this- 1) Sometimes it just takes a little longer for FET's to get "going" and by retesting on Monday we would know if things looked better- 2) although I was pregnant, it wasn't going to last and I would likely miscarry or loose the pregnancy and by retesting on Monday we would know if things looked worse.

By the end of the day Friday we walked away with this- I was currently pregnant, but we wouldn't know until Monday if it was going to stick.  I imagine it's unnecessary for me to say this, but on Monday we retested and my practically unmeasurable pregnancy hormone had gone down.  We had lost or were loosing the baby.  My doctor advised I stop all medications. She told me how sorry she was.  Sometimes, she said, these things just don't work out.  She reminded me that the very best embryos were used in our fresh cycle, the one that resulted in our beautiful daughter.  She informed me that we were still great candidates for another IVF ICSI fresh cycle, if we wanted to start over.  She said a lot, and I heard a lot, but I can promise you at the time I wasn't listening.  I was still stuck on the part about my pregnancy hormones going down and her phrase "I am so sorry".

This wasn't supposed to be how this ended for us.  We were supposed to get pregnant with our last chance embryos and have a happy, healthy bouncing baby.  Obviously that was the happy ending we were planning.  Friday afternoon, even with the advised warning, we walked away with hope.  Hope that although odds were not in our favor, this could still happen.  It wasn't a negative test....so how could we not have hope?  But, hope can be a scary thing, if not reined in properly.  Hope can appear to be a sweet, gentle animal that turns into a beast that bites*.

None of the decisions we make right now have to be permanent decisions.  I am so thankful for this.  We have time.  As of right now, we are planning to take a year or two....and think.  Do we want to go through another IVF ICSI cycle?  How would it be different for us in 12-24 months?  How would it be different for us financially or physically?  How would it affect Josie? 

To be brutally honest, I am not sure my body can handle another fresh cycle.  I am not certain I would be able to deal with another potential severe case of OHSS (like last time), especially not with a toddler in tow.  I do not think Josie would understand two weeks of bed rest from Momma.  And don't even get me started on the financial aspects of all of this (why are these things so freaking expensive?).  But, I can not bring myself to make any permanent lasting decisions.  Not yet.  Because in the end...these things are true.  1) we want more than anything to have another child to share our love and lives with- 2) we want Jo to be a big sister, to experience a sibling and the love that comes along with that- 3) I want to experience pregnancy, again. 

Even through our broken hearts, we hang onto our hope.  That scary beast that just bit us in the ass.  We keep it in our hearts and we nurture it and we know deep down it's a sweet animal that wants good things for us.  Because that's all we have. We will just be a little more cautious with our hope next time.  I want to scream for the rooftops "It's not FAIR"!  Because it's not.  It's never been fair.  Not for us, not for you.  Not for anyone.  One way or another, life is not fair.  But, one thing that is for sure, life goes on.  And so will we! 

We will watch our beautiful miracle of a child grow and thrive, because she is both growing and thriving more than we could ever imagine.  We will be reminded EVERY SINGLE DAY of the miracle she is for us!  She is the baby we were never guaranteed.  A tiny walking, talking, fit-throwing miracle!  We will wait and see where our lives take us.  And in the end, we are blessed.  Even on the days that seem like disasters, we are blessed.  Blessed.  I will continue to repeat....blessed.

Finally- We have had people around the country saying prayers and thinking happy thoughts for us over the past few weeks.  Our hearts break to share our sad news, but we are lifted by these prayers from friend and family and strangers alike.  Thank you.  Each and every one of you who took the time to think of us.  I can't begin to tell you how grateful we are for your continued support and love.  Thank you from the very bottom of our hearts....thank you!

*This is not my true/normal interpretation of hope, but today, it fits.

Prayer Request

It's pretty rare that I ask for prayers for myself.  I don't know why, in particular.  I guess in a way it just seems selfish (I know that probably sounds crazy).  But, if it is selfish, then today and tomorrow selfish is what I am going to be. 

Tuesday morning Brandon and I are taking off of work and getting ready for our next FET (frozen embryo transfer).  Just like our FET #1, I will wait to hear from the doctor to be sure the two embryos we have left thaw properly.  Obviously we can't move forward with the transfer until they thaw.  There is a chance they won't thaw and if this is the case, the procedure will be canceled.  These are the last of our frozen embryos.  Our last shot.  Our final babies.  If only one thaws, we will transfer one.  If they both thaw and look healthy, we will transfer BOTH embryos tomorrow!

My heart races at the thought of getting the phone call from the doctor tomorrow.  My biggest fear right now is that neither embryo will thaw and we will be without a final transfer.  I continue to try to push this out of my mind and replace those thoughts with happy, productive, optimistic thoughts.  I continue to pray for comfort and peace no matter what happens tomorrow.  But, I will be the first to admit, I am scared.  Really scared and nervous. 

If you have a minute, please say a prayer for the Bice family tomorrow.  Or maybe a prayer for our embryos.  Or maybe one for our doctor.  Or one for me- to deal with whatever outcome we may reach.  We would greatly appreciate all the prayers, good vibes, and happy thoughts we can get.  Fingers crossed!  Thank you, in advance!

Sweet Easter

The Bice household spent entirely too much time last week covered in vomit.  We washed more sheets and pj's and blankets then anyone should over the past 5 days.  And I swear, if I ever have to wash the car seat covers again, I may just decide to buy a whole new car seat!  What a pain in the butt!  Thankfully our little one is finally feeling better and back to her spunky self.  Here are a few pictures of our weekend fun!  Vomit-free pictures....I promise!



The final product!  Jojo's Easter Basket!



Easter morning! She enjoyed going through her basket!



At church with Nana and Papa

How I wish her paci wasn't in her mouth here!  Jo's cute Easter outfit! (with steadying help from Nana and Papa)

Church is exhausting!

We enjoyed our Easter weekend.  It was a nice long weekend to be sick.  Lots of rain kept us indoors most of the weekend and allowed Jo the extra rest she needed.  We spent Sunday going to church then dinner and Easter egg hunts at my parent's house! 

We are gearing up for our next FET next week.  Both Brandon and I are pretty nervous, but attempting to remain optimistic!  Think happy thoughts for us, please!  We can certainly use all the prayer, good vibes and happy thoughts you can spare!

What to put in an infant's Easter Basket

I can still call Jo an infant, if only for a few more months, so I am really going to take advantage of it.  To be honest, I am not sure where the line between infant and toddler is drawn.  I am certain I could google it and find out, but I am lazy.  So...for now, she is still an infant.

This year we have decided to make Josie an Easter basket.  I wanted to put together a basket that wasn't just candy and junk.  Although we don't allow Jo to have lots of sweets or candy, we don't restrict these treats completely.  Some candy...I can handle.  I tried to do a little research to decide what I wanted in her basket.  A little candy, a little fun, a lot of functionality.  In the end, I am sure it will be a little candy and a lot of junk.  But.....here is what we have come up with so far.......



Precious little $1 seed kits.  Who knows if they actually grow?  For $1 it's worth the fun she will have!




Kid Garden Tools!  She will love this as she is already trying to use my garden tools!

  

If our little red head is going to be "tending to her plants" outside this summer, she will need some shade for that fair skin.  We got a similar hat to this for little Jo.

*Two out of the three items above all came from Target's seasonal $1 aisle.  I have to say a big thank you to Target for making my life so much easier! 

Other fun things we are adding to Jojo's Easter Basket-
-Bubbles (you can't go wrong here)
-Giant Sidewalk Chalk (as much as this child insists on being outside this is a must)
-Bunny Rabbit stuffed animal (which is actually from last year, but she won't know)
-summer water shoes
-some candy (which is mostly for mom and dad to eat)

We are really excited for our Easter Holiday this year!  Church on Sunday with my family and Easter egg hunts and a large family dinner Sunday night!  We hope you and your family have a happy and safe Easter Holiday!

SO...there's this kid.....

First- Brandon and I have come to realize that Jo's recent "attempts" to use the potty were NOT a fluke.  This little lady went both #1 and #2 in the big girl potty over the weekend (which, by the way, we upgraded to a toilet seat attachment).  We know she is no where near "potty trained", but we are so excited for our little lady!  Way to go, Jo!

In other news, that isn't poop related, here are some recent pics of our little girl!  She amazes us everyday with how much she is learning and growing.  Her silly personality has me in stitches most days!  And her ability to be totally stubborn tests me often.  But, we wouldn't change one thing about her! 



When I picked Jo up from "school" a couple of weeks ago, she insisted on "driving".  Here she is trying to get every last drop out of Mama's water cup!




Josie likes the ducks MORE when they are across the street.  Once they are in her face, she is a little unsure of them! This is Waddle, the neighborhood "pet"!




Little cutie playing in the back yard last week with Dixie!




Helping Daddy get some work done!  Love this pic!



Quick look into the daily routine of FET's

Barren Pharmacy provides us with all of our injectable drugs for IVF.  These include needles for Lupron and Progesterone Oil.  Progesterone Oil has to be drawn from the vile by a certain gauge needle, then injected in the body by a different gauge needle.  So...for the two medications, I actually have to have 3 separate sets of needles.  Receiving our shipment of medications looked a little like this.....

I honestly feel like some sort of addict with all these needles!

Thankfully all of these shots are not taken at the same time.  Lupron shots are given in the belly and start early in the process.  They usually stop BEFORE the start of Progesterone Oil shots.

In addition to the injectables, there is a daily routine of medications that must be taken. That looks a little like this....

This picture includes my lupron shot, metformin (the giant white ones- see more about that in previous posts), estrodial (the little blue ones- which gets as high as 3 pills/day, and my prenatal vitamin (which is the horse sized maroon colored pill).  This picture does NOT include the birth control (which is taken for 2 weeks in the very beginning), the baby aspirin or the Estrogen patch which gets applied to the skin once every two days. 

Preparing the body for the FET means there are certain shots I don't have to take.....and it makes me happy!  This "routine" is actually a lighter load then the first time around with our IVF ICSI!  When it is all said and done...it's really no big deal when the final result is a beautiful baby! 

The next attempt with FET's will be in early April.  We would love to ask anyone out there reading this to send some prayers or happy thoughts our way!  We would truly appreciate it! 

Can't let go....

I could write you a list (a short one, though) of little things relating to Josie that I just can't let go of.  Our little peanut is only a handful months away from being a toddler, yet I am clutching certain baby items with a death grip, refusing to let go.

This morning, one such item came to mind, when I was awaken from my sleep.  The baby monitor.  Baby monitors were really designed for people with large houses.  Our home is comfortable and perfect for a family of 3, but large- it is not.  In fact, Josie's bedroom is directly across the hall from our bedroom.  If her crib were centered just right, I could probably throw something from my room to her crib, without even getting out of bed. 

I know the baby monitor comes in quite handy for those who have a long way to roam, which we don't.  Or even for those are comfortable going outside while the baby is sleeping.  As a tiny baby, we never did that.  As a soon-to-be toddler, even if she did wake up in the night and we were outside (doing what, I don't know?) we wouldn't go get her anyway.  We encourage her to sleep in her crib all night and self-soothe. 

The point of this is, I am still using my baby monitor like it's a necessity.  I use it like it's the first night she has ever slept in her crib and I have to be certain she is okay.  I use it like it helps.  It doesn't.  She is 7 feet away, across the hall.  I can hear every little cry or cough (because she is that close) without the device.  The monitor is not necessary.  Yet, for some reason and for my piece of mind, I turn it on every night. 

I had to chuckle at myself this morning as Jo was crying in her crib.  I heard her immediately.  No thanks to the monitor, though (that I had on, but apparently left the volume at zero).  Further proof  that I don't need that darn thing, yet I can't seem to let go of using it.  Silly, right?

Don't even get me started on how long I plan to continue to shove her little chubby thighs into her Bumbo seat (even though she is starting to master the art of standing up in the seat, thighs still engaged, and walk around) or how much longer I will let her have her morning milk out of a bottle.  It seems as though she gains a new independence everyday, but some she may have to fight for!