No need to get cocky

It's amazing how even after 19 months with countless colds, stomach viruses, rashes and fevers (we really love daycare) we can still feel helpless when presented with new illnesses.  This past weekend was a big one for our family (more on that later) and we were practically busy from sun-up to sun-down Friday and Saturday.  She missed a nap and definitely didn't eat her normal meals and certainly came way off her normal schedule.  So when Josie started having issues late Saturday night, we just assumed it was from over exhausted (no nap and lots of play time).  We quickly came to understand that whatever was going on wasn't just being tired.  She was uncomfortable.  Brandon was scared she was in a lot of pain.  I didn't know what to think, but she was screaming.  And most of the time she was screaming for me, while I was holding her.  This really broke my heart (and kind of freaked me out).  I won't lie....I considered taking her to the hospital.  We didn't know what else to do.  We had never experienced this with her before.  Almost as quickly as we got her settled down and back to sleep, she was up having another episode.  This went on all night long.  The screaming/crying episodes were accompanied with thrashing of her arms and legs.  It was awful.  And really scary. 

Brandon noticed her little feet had a red rash and he wondered if she had gotten a virus.  I had determined she must be suffering with gas after having eaten terrible that day and no major BM.  I probably shouldn't quit my day job to become a doctor. So much for mother's intuition. 

By morning Josie had blisters all over her little mouth, hands and feet.  She also had a diaper rash to rival most others she has experienced.  I spent most of the morning texting family and friends who had spent the two previous days loving on our baby.  There is nothing quite like an early morning wake up call "Hey...the kid is sick.  Hope yours don't get it".  We spent all day Sunday lounging around and trying to stay as low-key as possible.  I have watched enough Barney to satisfy several lifetimes. 

This morning we headed off to the doctor to confirm that, indeed, the little peanut has Hand, Foot, and Mouth disease.  This fun filled virus has a 3-6 day incubation period.  She likely caught it from someone at daycare last week and had it for several days before showing signs.  I called daycare this morning to give them the head's up and they told me they had already sent 2 kids home with the same symptoms.

All it takes is one virus to remind you that you don't have it figured out.  When Jo was a little baby and we experienced sicknesses and illnesses for the first time I was always so scared.  Are we doing things right?  Did we give her the right medicine? But, after a while,  you get used to these things and you don't question your actions.  Just when we thought we had it all under control.......she threw us a curve ball.  Babies are good like that...always keeping us on our toes.  It will take a few days, but she will get better.  And we will build our confidence up again.  And once again, she will remind us that we don't know all the answers. 





Summer has landed.

Oh man....this is bad.  I haven't blogged a single word in quite a while.  I got on this blog today and realized I started a draft back on May 28th.  Just a draft.  The first line read "Summer is quickly approaching".  This is so bad that I can't even use this draft as a starting point.  At this point, Summer has approached.  It's here.  In fact, it's so the middle of Summer already that when I went Hobby Lobby this week, they already had their fall/Christmas shelves stocked.  It's so Summer, it's almost Christmas (according to Hobby Lobby). 

So, I apologize.  Summer life has taken over.  Babies stay up later and later.  Dinners get pushed back.  Mommies get tired earlier.  Feel free to insert whatever excuse makes you comfortable with my laziness.  I assure you, it will likely apply! 

We spent a glorious week at the beach with my family.  Josie LOVED every minute of it, as did we.  There was a point this past year that we were not 100% convinced my amazing Grandma, or GG as she is known by the little ones, would be here for our annual trip.  My Grandma is 93 years old.  She was born in 1920.  Take a second to let that sink in.  1920.  Oh, the things she has seen in her lifetime.  She's truly an amazing woman for so many, many things.  This past year she suffered from two strokes.  At the age of 92.  It scared us all.  She has been a healthy woman all her life and the thought of her being ill or physically disabled or even mentally interrupted nearly brought our family to our knees.  But....by the Grace of God, at 93 beautiful years old, she is well.  She uses a cane, but only occasionally, to get around now.  Other than that, GG is as healthy as she should be.  She's remarkable.  It's just that simple.

Here is GG (great grandma) with 4 of her 9 Great Grandchildren.  That's my little Jojo on the far right.

We keep pictures on our fridge.  Just a random assortment of people who have given us pictures or ones that we are particularly fond of.  There is a picture of GG on our fridge.  Prior to going to the beach we would talk about all the people in the pictures.  When asked who she was, Josie learned that's "GG".  When we arrived at the beach, she knew immediately who this woman was!  It warmed my heart. 

All the family had a blast at the beach.  Josie spent most of her mornings covered from head to toe in sand.  She ate sand by the shovel full.  Had the sand contained any nutritional value what so ever, I would have bagged it and brought it home.  At least that way she would be eating something she actually WANTED to eat (ahh...the life of a newly picky eater).  I am not sure I have ever seen any one child so interested in consuming sand.  She loved everything about it!  She wanted to dig and fill buckets and eat!  She was content!  And so were we!

Since the arrival of Summer our lives seem to have doubled in busy.  I feel like it's my mission to be going.  All the time.  I want to be doing something.  Outside.  All.  The.  Time.  Our weekends stay booked and it makes me happy!  I love to feel like we are constantly moving.  It makes those random lazy Saturdays or Sundays so much more special.  And as most Summers do, this Summer has brought it's inevitable heat!  Usually mid-July becomes a time where people try to stay indoors as much as possible.  So far we have not experienced the sweltering heat, but I am sure it is due to arrive any day.  What do you do with a toddler who only wants to be outside in 90+ degree temperatures?  Sprinklers? 

This summer has brought on some fun new changes for us, also.  Our little lady is no longer sleeping in her crib, but instead in the crib converted to a toddler bed.  It's a pretty big deal, so if you didn't already go "OHhhhhh", feel free to do so now.  I'll wait.  We are also inching ever so close to being potty trained.  She goes on the potty 2-3 times at school each day and usually once for us at home.  Again...it's a big deal (at least in our worlds)! 

Later this month we will celebrate my Mom's 65th Birthday!  We are planning a big party and I cannot wait for us to all come together to celebrate this amazing woman!  I will do a post all about the party later!  It's going to be so much fun!  These days I am living for our Summer nights and weekends!  Some where in between I will try to find more time to blog!  Like during work hours.  Ha!



I am throwing in this last picture because I just adore it!



 

Growing up

It is hard to believe that my sweet husband and I are once again celebrating birthdays.  Where does the time go?  I find it hard to believe that another year has passed, we are this much older, and our daughter is nearly 18 months.

Happy Birthday to my amazing husband.  Thank you for being you.  You always make me laugh and your sense of humor is only one of the many reasons I am head over heels in love with you.  You are such a fantastic husband.  Before Josie was born, I thought I couldn't possibly love you more.  But, now, I see you with her and my heart swells.  Being a Dad comes so very nature to you.  It's like you were born to be a parent!  Josie loves you so much and I love watching her face light up when she sees you!  She laughs hardest and longest when playing with you.....and there is nothing sweeter!

I will cherish the fact that I get to watch the relationship between the two of you grow as she grows.  She is by far the most perfect and amazing gift you could have ever given to me!  Thank you!  Thank you for your continued love, patience, support and happiness.  Thank you for Josie.  Thank you for the life we get to have as a family of three!  It's more than I could have ever dreamed of.....and I am grateful!

Happy Birthday, my love! 

And now....a picture of our little sweetie (because it's my birthday and I can do what I want) showing off her super long hair!  Doesn't she look so grown up with all that hair?  Sweet girl!

Broken Hearted.

Our problems really are minuscule in comparison with the aftermath of Boston and Texas and different areas all over the world.  But, none the less, they are ours.  They brought sadness and despair, regardless of what level.  And I won't downplay them, although they are not nearly as traumatic.

On Friday, April 19th I got a phone call from our nurse.  She informed us that the blood pregnancy test that I submitted that morning had come back positive.  "But", she said.....and naturally my heart dropped, she didn't advise we tell many people just yet.  Our HCG levels (the pregnancy hormone- also known the beta hormone) were low.  Almost unmeasurable.  I wouldn't be surprised if my heart actually stop for a few beats at this point.  The nurse told us there may be a couple of reasons for this- 1) Sometimes it just takes a little longer for FET's to get "going" and by retesting on Monday we would know if things looked better- 2) although I was pregnant, it wasn't going to last and I would likely miscarry or loose the pregnancy and by retesting on Monday we would know if things looked worse.

By the end of the day Friday we walked away with this- I was currently pregnant, but we wouldn't know until Monday if it was going to stick.  I imagine it's unnecessary for me to say this, but on Monday we retested and my practically unmeasurable pregnancy hormone had gone down.  We had lost or were loosing the baby.  My doctor advised I stop all medications. She told me how sorry she was.  Sometimes, she said, these things just don't work out.  She reminded me that the very best embryos were used in our fresh cycle, the one that resulted in our beautiful daughter.  She informed me that we were still great candidates for another IVF ICSI fresh cycle, if we wanted to start over.  She said a lot, and I heard a lot, but I can promise you at the time I wasn't listening.  I was still stuck on the part about my pregnancy hormones going down and her phrase "I am so sorry".

This wasn't supposed to be how this ended for us.  We were supposed to get pregnant with our last chance embryos and have a happy, healthy bouncing baby.  Obviously that was the happy ending we were planning.  Friday afternoon, even with the advised warning, we walked away with hope.  Hope that although odds were not in our favor, this could still happen.  It wasn't a negative test....so how could we not have hope?  But, hope can be a scary thing, if not reined in properly.  Hope can appear to be a sweet, gentle animal that turns into a beast that bites*.

None of the decisions we make right now have to be permanent decisions.  I am so thankful for this.  We have time.  As of right now, we are planning to take a year or two....and think.  Do we want to go through another IVF ICSI cycle?  How would it be different for us in 12-24 months?  How would it be different for us financially or physically?  How would it affect Josie? 

To be brutally honest, I am not sure my body can handle another fresh cycle.  I am not certain I would be able to deal with another potential severe case of OHSS (like last time), especially not with a toddler in tow.  I do not think Josie would understand two weeks of bed rest from Momma.  And don't even get me started on the financial aspects of all of this (why are these things so freaking expensive?).  But, I can not bring myself to make any permanent lasting decisions.  Not yet.  Because in the end...these things are true.  1) we want more than anything to have another child to share our love and lives with- 2) we want Jo to be a big sister, to experience a sibling and the love that comes along with that- 3) I want to experience pregnancy, again. 

Even through our broken hearts, we hang onto our hope.  That scary beast that just bit us in the ass.  We keep it in our hearts and we nurture it and we know deep down it's a sweet animal that wants good things for us.  Because that's all we have. We will just be a little more cautious with our hope next time.  I want to scream for the rooftops "It's not FAIR"!  Because it's not.  It's never been fair.  Not for us, not for you.  Not for anyone.  One way or another, life is not fair.  But, one thing that is for sure, life goes on.  And so will we! 

We will watch our beautiful miracle of a child grow and thrive, because she is both growing and thriving more than we could ever imagine.  We will be reminded EVERY SINGLE DAY of the miracle she is for us!  She is the baby we were never guaranteed.  A tiny walking, talking, fit-throwing miracle!  We will wait and see where our lives take us.  And in the end, we are blessed.  Even on the days that seem like disasters, we are blessed.  Blessed.  I will continue to repeat....blessed.

Finally- We have had people around the country saying prayers and thinking happy thoughts for us over the past few weeks.  Our hearts break to share our sad news, but we are lifted by these prayers from friend and family and strangers alike.  Thank you.  Each and every one of you who took the time to think of us.  I can't begin to tell you how grateful we are for your continued support and love.  Thank you from the very bottom of our hearts....thank you!

*This is not my true/normal interpretation of hope, but today, it fits.

Prayer Request

It's pretty rare that I ask for prayers for myself.  I don't know why, in particular.  I guess in a way it just seems selfish (I know that probably sounds crazy).  But, if it is selfish, then today and tomorrow selfish is what I am going to be. 

Tuesday morning Brandon and I are taking off of work and getting ready for our next FET (frozen embryo transfer).  Just like our FET #1, I will wait to hear from the doctor to be sure the two embryos we have left thaw properly.  Obviously we can't move forward with the transfer until they thaw.  There is a chance they won't thaw and if this is the case, the procedure will be canceled.  These are the last of our frozen embryos.  Our last shot.  Our final babies.  If only one thaws, we will transfer one.  If they both thaw and look healthy, we will transfer BOTH embryos tomorrow!

My heart races at the thought of getting the phone call from the doctor tomorrow.  My biggest fear right now is that neither embryo will thaw and we will be without a final transfer.  I continue to try to push this out of my mind and replace those thoughts with happy, productive, optimistic thoughts.  I continue to pray for comfort and peace no matter what happens tomorrow.  But, I will be the first to admit, I am scared.  Really scared and nervous. 

If you have a minute, please say a prayer for the Bice family tomorrow.  Or maybe a prayer for our embryos.  Or maybe one for our doctor.  Or one for me- to deal with whatever outcome we may reach.  We would greatly appreciate all the prayers, good vibes, and happy thoughts we can get.  Fingers crossed!  Thank you, in advance!

Sweet Easter

The Bice household spent entirely too much time last week covered in vomit.  We washed more sheets and pj's and blankets then anyone should over the past 5 days.  And I swear, if I ever have to wash the car seat covers again, I may just decide to buy a whole new car seat!  What a pain in the butt!  Thankfully our little one is finally feeling better and back to her spunky self.  Here are a few pictures of our weekend fun!  Vomit-free pictures....I promise!



The final product!  Jojo's Easter Basket!



Easter morning! She enjoyed going through her basket!



At church with Nana and Papa

How I wish her paci wasn't in her mouth here!  Jo's cute Easter outfit! (with steadying help from Nana and Papa)

Church is exhausting!

We enjoyed our Easter weekend.  It was a nice long weekend to be sick.  Lots of rain kept us indoors most of the weekend and allowed Jo the extra rest she needed.  We spent Sunday going to church then dinner and Easter egg hunts at my parent's house! 

We are gearing up for our next FET next week.  Both Brandon and I are pretty nervous, but attempting to remain optimistic!  Think happy thoughts for us, please!  We can certainly use all the prayer, good vibes and happy thoughts you can spare!

What to put in an infant's Easter Basket

I can still call Jo an infant, if only for a few more months, so I am really going to take advantage of it.  To be honest, I am not sure where the line between infant and toddler is drawn.  I am certain I could google it and find out, but I am lazy.  So...for now, she is still an infant.

This year we have decided to make Josie an Easter basket.  I wanted to put together a basket that wasn't just candy and junk.  Although we don't allow Jo to have lots of sweets or candy, we don't restrict these treats completely.  Some candy...I can handle.  I tried to do a little research to decide what I wanted in her basket.  A little candy, a little fun, a lot of functionality.  In the end, I am sure it will be a little candy and a lot of junk.  But.....here is what we have come up with so far.......



Precious little $1 seed kits.  Who knows if they actually grow?  For $1 it's worth the fun she will have!




Kid Garden Tools!  She will love this as she is already trying to use my garden tools!

  

If our little red head is going to be "tending to her plants" outside this summer, she will need some shade for that fair skin.  We got a similar hat to this for little Jo.

*Two out of the three items above all came from Target's seasonal $1 aisle.  I have to say a big thank you to Target for making my life so much easier! 

Other fun things we are adding to Jojo's Easter Basket-
-Bubbles (you can't go wrong here)
-Giant Sidewalk Chalk (as much as this child insists on being outside this is a must)
-Bunny Rabbit stuffed animal (which is actually from last year, but she won't know)
-summer water shoes
-some candy (which is mostly for mom and dad to eat)

We are really excited for our Easter Holiday this year!  Church on Sunday with my family and Easter egg hunts and a large family dinner Sunday night!  We hope you and your family have a happy and safe Easter Holiday!