When the time is right...

Over the past few weeks I have had a strange, new sinking feeling in my gut.  And no, it's not the excess of Halloween candy!  I have been having mixed feelings about our plan to try IVF ICSI in January (yes, just months after announcing our decision to try again). When it comes to the IVF process, I have always been the one who was ready to GO, GO, GO with almost no questions asked.  Having doubts (outside of the regular "will this work" doubt) about starting a new round is completely new and foreign to me.


This morning, I sat at our kitchen island sipping coffee while Brandon made breakfast (he truly is a keeper).  We had a rare moment of adult conversation, while Josie played in the living room! I contemplated telling Brandon about my recent reservations against another round of IVF ICSI. Since it appeared we had a few moments to talk, I decided to dive into my thoughts.  As I talked through my recent feelings, I could actually see the stress and anxiety lifting from my husband's shoulders.
 
We have both had reservations about this new round of IVF ICSI, that much we have discussed already.  But diving deeper into the plan, we both agree the timing, the doctors, the financial aspects and the potential new insurance coverage have felt "off".  My amazing husband had these reservations already, but was planning to go through with it all, knowing how much I wanted to have another baby.  Up until the past month, my thoughts on having another baby and being pregnant again have been coupled with urgency!  It had to be something that was done and as soon as we could possibly handle it.  All of a sudden that urgency has been replaced by contentment. Life is good for us right now!  We have an amazing little girl who will turn 4 in less than two weeks! We no longer deal with diapers and bottles and teething, and the inability to do most tasks. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty more life phases we are preparing ourselves for, but as of right now, life is good!


Both Brandon and I agree that we want another child.  But, we also agree that now does not feel like the right time.  I don't know why, but it just doesn't seem right.  Maybe there is something else waiting to happen to us in the next few months.  Maybe there are other opportunities that we are meant to encounter that we don't even know exist. In my heart, I just know the timing is wrong.  So, for now, we are planning to put IVF ICSI on the back burner.  We plan to revisit this possibility in 6 months or so.  We will see where our heads and our hearts are then.  For now, we are going to enjoy  our perfect little family and making lots of fun memories!

Just us girls!

Last weekend Brandon headed up to Chicago for a last minute guy's night with a friend he had not seen in over a decade!  As he was pulling out of the neighborhood, Josie and I were planning our girl's only day!
We started our day at one of our favorite fall spots in Champaign, IL- Curtis Orchard and Pumpkin Patch!  Last fall, Josie and I visited Curtis Orchard a handful of times.  It's free to get in and they have lots of fun activities (which are not free) for the kids!  We also hand picked all of our Halloween pumpkins from Curtis last year!  We physically removed them from the vines, which I had never done before.
This was our first trip to Curtis this year! Knowing it might be our only trip (and that I desperately needed a tired Jojo for an easy one parent evening), I let Josie do just about all that her tiny fall-loving heart wanted.  First stop- naturally- was for pony rides! Followed closely by feeding the goats.

Shortly after a ride on her trusty steed, we went to stand in line for face paint.  The line was only 5 kids long and I knew this was by far the shortest it would be all day.  It took at least 35 minutes, which is basically FOREVER in toddler time. Although, I am certain Jojo would say it was totally worth it! 

After we were officially feline we moved over to the giant slide/tractor ride section!  I don't have any pictures from the this part of our day, but she had a great time.  And, finally, you can't visit Curtis Orchard without sampling their delicious Apple Cider or Apple Cider Slushies (I don't know if we have these in the South, but they are legit and delicious) and homemade Apple Cider Donuts!  Here is Jojo patiently waiting as I stand in line!  It's a tough life at Curtis Orchard!

To round out our fall fun, we got up early Sunday morning and made homemade (ish) pumpkin cinnamon rolls.  Pinterest pages are currently flooded with a million ways you can use pumpkin and pumpkin spice to create your Fall dream.  I used this pin in particular to create our breakfast!  These were so easy to make!  

I wish I had followed the suggestion of spreading only a thin layer of pumpkin on the crescent roll.  As you can see from my photos, I went a little overboard, which makes them a bit messy.  I also thought the glaze was a little too powder sugary for my taste, but I truly appreciated that it was effortless and fast to whip up.  Overall.....it was pretty darn good and we ate more than we should have!

This weekend, we are heading off to The Great Pumpkin Patch in Arthur, IL.  We have never been to this patch in particular and hear wonderful things about the children's activities and donuts.  Because, let's not kid ourselves, the real reason I am going is for the donuts!

Final Recap

In December of 2010 we contacted our RE and let her know we would plan to start the IVF ICSI process in January 2011. All of our medication was ordered, some from domestic pharmacies, some internationally.  To be honest, it was overwhelming and we hadn't even started.

In January I started taking lots of medications. Some made me nauseous morning, noon and night. I started giving myself shots in the belly. Actually, Brandon gave me the first few because I was too scared to do it. I started taking birth control (yep, birth control) and other hormone injections. Within 6 weeks I was a walking talking mess of hormones and nausea, not to mention lumpy injection sites as the new injections were an oil that had a tendency to get lumpy if not warmed before injection. Those hurt. My doctor assured us it had all been worth it. I was being monitored closely by the end of the 6 weeks and we had several healthy eggs (mature and not too big and not too small).

On a Wednesday morning in late February of 2011 Brandon and I both had our retrieval.  My doctor was able to retrieve 18 eggs from my ovaries. Of those 18, 12 were considered mature and initially we thought 10 had been successfully fertilized. When we went back to the RE on the day of our embryonic transfer we learned that only 6 had fertilized and were usable either in the initial transfer back to me or to freeze. The Monday following our retrieval, we transferred two embryos back to my body.  The remaining 4 embryos were frozen for future use. Both Brandon and I were happy with these numbers.

Two weeks after our embryo transfer we found out we were pregnant! I was still taking medication and would continue to take some medications for the next several weeks. I also suffered OHSS or ovarian Hyper-stimulation Syndrome and was in a lot of pain for about 3 weeks after the transfer.  Apparently some cases can be so severe that women need to be hospitalized. I will tell you it was extremely painful and I hope to never feel that way again, but thankfully I did not need hospitalization.

In November, after an extremely uneventful pregnancy I gave birth to a beautiful and healthy baby girl! She changed our lives forever and I could not be more grateful for this little girl! We were not sure we would ever be able to have a child, yet there we were holding this precious bundle of joy! In January of 2013 we started preparing for our first FET- frozen embryo transfer. We had four frozen embryos to use. Once again I started medications and shots. About 6 weeks into the new year we had our first FET scheduled. Two frozen embryos were thawed, but only one survived the thawing process. That embryo was transferred to me, but sadly two weeks later we learned that the embryo did not survive and I had not gotten pregnant. In March, we decided to try again. We had two frozen embryos left.  Once again, I found myself pumped full of medications. Again, only one embryo thawed properly. Sadly, two weeks later we learned the pregnancy had not stuck.

I was a mess of emotions and I blame that on both the medications and the loss of embryos. Our hearts were broken, yet we still felt like the luckiest parents on this earth. We had beat the odds and had our perfect baby! So many people spend their lives praying for the chance to be a parent and never get that opportunity.  At the time, we were too broken to even consider another round of IVF ICSI. I did not even want to discuss the option. Especially since trying again meant we would have to start from scratch.....all the way in the very beginning. All those medications and shots and all that money. And oh no....the OHSS. But, here we are, almost exactly 3 years since our FET's and 5 years since our original cycle, with a nearly 4 year old girl, preparing ourselves for a whole new cycle of IVF ICSI to start in January 2016!


We must be crazy!

Recap- part 2

As soon as the doctor told me there were zero sperm in the sample, my natural, knee-jerk reaction was to laugh.  There had to be a mistake, right?  No, my doctor was sure.....having zero sperm was a rare condition called Azoospermia and could be caused by several different factors.  The next step in our process would be for Brandon to see a specialist to help determine our reason for azoospermia.


We soon learned my husband had a congenital absence of the vas deferens.  Basically, he was born without vas deferens ..... like being born with a vascetomy.  It was a pretty rare diagnosis, but we still had hope.  There was still the chance that he was producing normal sperm, they just had no way of getting out.  And this was where we learned that the only opportunity we might have at having a biological child was through IVF ICSI- in vitro fertilization with Intra-cytoplasmic sperm injection.  Basically ICSI is a special form of IVF.  Because we are special! So, so special!


We met with a fertility specialist, or Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE).  She informed us that IVF ICSI was indeed our best bet at having a biological child.  Basically, the RE would inject a single sperm directly into a mature egg in a lab.  My doctor would set my body up to grow and harvest healthy eggs.  When the time was right they would remove these eggs and inject each one with a single sperm.  The hope is that the eggs are fertilized by the sperm (obviously) and make embryos.  The embryos are given a couple of days to grow and if they are viable, they are transferred back into me.  I mean, no big deal, right? Oh.....and then there is the cost of IVF ICSI. Amazingly.....that whole process in a lab, plus the cost of medications procedures and appointments, was not cheap.


After all this, I was a mess of emotions.  We had learned there was only one way for us to get pregnant.  It was not cheap or easy and there was absolutely no guarantee.  This whole part freaked me out.  Yet, at the same time, I was so relieved.  Finally.....we knew what was going on and exactly what we needed to do.  We had been searching for answers for so long and now we knew!

To be continued......

Where it all began- A recap of our IVF journey part 1

Brandon and I were married in 2008.  For us, there was never any doubt about having children.  Initially, our only real question revolved around when to start.  Very shortly after getting married we considered starting right away.  The more we talked about it, the more we realized we needed some time.  Time to enjoy married life, time to enjoy our friends and time to save and mentally prepare ourselves for the idea of being someone's parent.  Little did we know that in the end we would have more time than we ever dreamed of and that NO amount of time will ever properly prepare you to be called mama or dada.


Apparently sometime in 2009 we decided we were ready. We were prepared to bring another life into this world and be responsible for that life (ha). Shortly before we made this decision I had seen my doctor.  I let her know we were thinking about starting our family and if she had any suggestions or immediate or obvious concerns, I would love to hear them.  My doctor said to me "You are young and you are healthy.  If you try for more than  6 months with no success, come back and we can talk."  Of course, at the time I was sure we would have no problems and I would be back only when I was pregnant.  I will never understand why my doctor told me to try for only 6 months and not at least a year like I so often hear from other people, but in the end I was grateful.


Approximately 8 long, frustrating, and sad months later I made an appointment to return to the doctor to discuss possible complications with conceiving.  I had tracked my periods for the past 6 months, knew my ovulation days and could tell you, almost to the minute what was happening with my cycle.  My doctor drew blood and ran all the normal tests to determine what might be causing issues.  Once my results were in, we would have a better idea of where a good starting point might be.  I got a phone call later that all my labs were fine.  The next step, my doctor informed me, was to have a semen analysis.


If I had to guess, I would say that most men would be apprehensive about giving semen specimens for testing.  My sweet husband, like most, shared this apprehension.  Thankfully, he knew this was the only way we could move forward with our process. Since my doctor had arranged for us to work with the clinic that would do the test on the semen, I was actually the one to receive the phone call once the results were in. At the time, I was working in the Development Department of a local non-profit and on this day in particular, I was setting up an event.  I got the phone call from my doctor about an hour before our event began....not exactly the best timing.


First, I was reminded that a normal or average semen sample contains between 40 million and 300 million sperm. Anything below 20 million sperm per sample is considered a low sperm count.  Okay, I think to myself, I must need to prepare myself for a low number.  I keep thinking she is going to tell me my husband has between 200,000 and 300,000 or something.  A number that, although very low in standards of average samples, still exists and can be worked with.  I was not prepared to hear that my husband's sample came back with zero sperm.  Not one.  Not a single one.  It's quite rare, she tells me. It's a condition called Azoospermia.  Azo-what, I think? Freaking great, now who is going to tell my husband?

To be continued.....

Hello World!

Oh my... It's been so many months since I visited the blog world that I was dreading even opening my blogger account. Life carries on, as we all know, whether we want it to or not.  And not surprisingly, the blogger world has continued to turn even in my absence. In March 2014 the Bice family moved from Knoxville, TN to Champaign, IL. I approached this move as an adventure for our entire family. Moving 500 miles from our family and friends was scary and overwhelming, but calling it an adventure took a lot of the anxiety out of it for me.  Go figure. 

We have lived in Champaign for 18 months and I can honestly say.... I love it here! Obviously, I miss my family and TN friends, but both Brandon and I feel fortunate and grateful to have found a fun, family-friendly community with a neighbor that likes to "gather" and "celebrate"! The "air quotes" are meant to imply that our neighborhood likes to party!

Brandon really loves the company that he works for and I am grateful I to have the opportunity to stay home with Josie. It has been a learning experience, for both her and I, to say the least. I wasn't sure we would survive the first few weeks together, but once we established a routine life became much simpler. Two weeks ago Jojo started preschool (whhaaat....my baby) and two weeks ago I started something new, too! It's called peeing in privacy and it's amazing. Although we love our time together, preschool has been a pleasant break for us both.  I plan to use this extra time (which is actually only a few hours a day, two days a week) to start writing again and running OUTSIDE again and reminding myself that the task of grocery shopping ISN'T a punishment from God.

Although the blog will include our everyday happenings, I want to focus a lot of my blog energy on our struggles through infertility and the process that comes with IVF ICSI. Everything from initial diagnosis, meeting doctors, costs to conception. IVF and IVF ICSI are not for the faint of heart. Infertility comes with hundreds of questions, symptoms and diagnosis and if I can help at least one person better understand their situation or simply learn from my own, I would be happy! Brandon and I plan or start a brand new round of IVF ICSI in January with a brand new doctor in a semi-new state.  I plan to blog every step of the way! So check back often for updates and new information. Maybe we will walk this road together....maybe you aren't as alone in this journey as you thought!

Just another recipe

One of the wonderful benefits of our family moving to IL is that I now have the opportunity to stay home with Josie.  It has been a huge adjustment, to say the least!  The first couple of weeks were not easy for either of us.  We were stressed and living in what felt like constant upheaval.  But, thankfully, our lives are starting to settle....and she and I are finding our groove. 


I am trying to make a conscious effort to plan weekly meals and make homemade meals each night.  It will take a few months for us to build a variety of recipes we really like, but right now I am trying new recipes and revisiting old favorites. 


Tonight we enjoyed a brand new recipe I pulled out of an old Cooking Light Magazine!  Open Faced Chicken Sandwiches with Artichoke Pesto!  This pesto is AMAZING!!!  This is definitely a keeper and one we will fix often. I made sweet potato bites as a side and the two items were a great mix.


Open Faced Chicken Sandwiches with Artichoke Pesto:
3 skinless, boneless chicken breast halves
1/2 tsp salt, divided
1/2 tsp pepper, divided
Cooking spray
6 ounces drained canned artichoke hearts
2 ounces Parmigiano-Reggiano cheese, shaved and divided (about 1/2 cup)
2 Tbsp pine nuts
2 Tbsp canola mayonnaise
2 tsp olive oil
3 garlic cloves
4-6 slices of multi grain bread
3 Tbsp chopped fresh parsley


1.  Preheat broiler to high
2.  Cut each chicken breast half in half lengthwise to form 2 cutlets.  Sprinkle with 1/4 tsp salt and 1/4 tsp pepper.  Heat a pan over medium-high heat.  Coat pan with cooking spray and cook chicken until done.
3.  Combine artichokes, 3 Tbsp cheese, nuts, mayo, oil, 1/4 tsp salt, 1/4 tsp pepper, and garlic in a mini food processor; pulse until coarsely ground.  (we don't have a mini food processor, so I used our magic bullet).
4.  Place bread slices on a baking sheet, broil 1 minute on each side.  Spread a couple of tablespoons pesto on each slice.  Slice chicken; place 3 ounces on each bread slice.  Top with remaining cheese and parsley. 


Sweet potato bites:
2-3 medium sweet potatoes, peeled and cut into 1/2 inch cubes
olive oil
kosher salt
pepper


1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Place sweet potato cubes into large boil.  Drizzle with olive oil and stir to coat. 
3.  Spread cubes onto baking sheet in single layer.  Sprinkle with kosher salt and pepper.
4.  Bake for 30 minutes


We love sweet potatoes and try to incorporate them into a meal at least once a week, but this is honestly our favorite way to eat them.  It's simple and delicious....and really hard to screw up! 

Refreshing Cilantro Soup

Last year a friend of mine from work made Cilantro Soup.  Although I love Cilantro, to be completely honest....I thought it sounded gross.  Thankfully, I tasted it before making the final decision. 


Cilantro Soup is easy, tasty, and incredibly refreshing!  It is a great summer soup (those words don't seem like they should go together) and would be perfect with a couple of light beers and limes or margaritas!


Cilantro Soup:
-1 lb. meat (1/2 ground turkey, 1/2 sweet Italian sausage)
-1 box of chicken broth
-1 can whole kernel corn
-1 can black beans (rinsed)
-1 can diced tomatoes
-2 Tbsp. minced garlic
-2 Tbsp fresh lime juice
-1 bunch of fresh cilantro*


Brown the meat in a skillet.  Drain.  Add browned/drained meat and all ingredients into a large stock pot.  Bring to a boil, turn down heat, and simmer for about 30 minutes. 


Toppings:
-fresh chopped cilantro, tortilla chips, shredded cheese, sour cream, avocado! 


*I don't eat the full sprigs of Cilantro in the cooking pot, although you can.  I usually spoon them out before serving (only because they are stringy).

A lot can happen in 3 months

I am so annoyed with Blogger right now I could scream.  Not only did I write an entire post that was somehow mysteriously lost in cyber-space (do people still call it cyber-space), but this silly site won't load a picture I desperately want to include in this blog.

I promise......a lot has happened in 3 months, more than just me whining about my blog host....so here we go-

Brandon accepted a new job in December and started in early January.  The job, however, was not in Knoxville, TN.  Instead....the job was in Danville, IL (see...I told you a lot had happened).  If you are currently asking yourself, where is Danville, IL.....join the club!!! Danville, IL is located about 35 miles east of Champaign, IL.  If you are currently asking yourself where Champaign, IL is located....well...I can't help you.  Just kidding.  It's in Illinois.  Google it. 

So, Brandon left for a job 400 miles from home in January.  We put our house on the market almost immediately.  I put in a notice at work and we hired a couple of crews to paint the house and replace all our carpets.  Between  showings and work crews and packing...it was a stressful few weeks.  Before we knew it, the house sold and we were just waiting for a closing date.  We closed on our Knoxville house on February 18th, found a home we really liked in Champaign (yes, we decided to live in Champaign) and closed on our new home on February 28th! 

We have been here for less than a full month, but we already really like it!  Our new home has a lot more space, which is a huge bonus!  We have met a handful of our neighbors already and we are really excited to get to know people better once the weather warms up.  We also joined the local YMCA, which is the nicest gym I have ever been too (not to mention it's brand new).  That has been a great way for me to meet new people, too.  Overall, our lives have changed a lot, but everything has been exciting, new and positive.  When we realized we were likely going to need to move away from Knoxville, Brandon and I decided to embrace this new journey in our lives.  We knew that this new adventure could be as amazing as we wanted it to be, or as painful as we wanted.  We decided our attitudes would remain positive and open and optimistic!  We would make this new chapter great!  And so far, it has been!  Although I will say we could do with less winter and a little more spring, already! 

So here we are!  Cold, currently, but excited for our new environment!  I promise to upload a picture of our new home, as soon as BLOGGER will allow it.  Until then.....Farewell from Illinois! 

We like to run....sort of....

 
As it turns out, we like to run races, but we aren't really all that into training.  If I had to sum up our year of running it would be something like this...."Last minute entry decisions, leading to sore bodies and pretty medals!"

The best part about the end of each race- I swear to myself I will properly train for the next one.  But, it never happens!

This year we ran several races and basically trained for none.  Brandon ran a handful more than I did this year and actually got a few training days in here and there!  Knoxville's Track Club has a great trail running series called "Treadin Trodden Trails"!  This series offers about 7 or 8 trail races a year.  They are perfect for the experienced trail runner OR the beginner (ahem....me).   Trail races are a lot of fun, but about 1000x's harder than any road race I have ever done!  For one....I am CONSTANTLY looking at my feet to make sure I don't trip over rocks or roots or furry animals.  And secondly....how many trails do you know about that are flat?  Not many, huh? 

In addition to a couple of trail runs we also completed a couple of half marathons and 5K's!  This year was by far the most unprepared I have ever been for a half marathon, but we finished.  We also suffered with sore knees and legs for several days, but hey....we finished.

Here are a few of our favorite races this year-

-I.C. King of Trails Race- This is a 7 mile trail race that we ran back in March.  I will say this was probably my best trail race to date.  I actually enjoyed this one!  Here is the course below!

-On October 20th we ran in what has been my favorite road race/half marathon EVER!  It was the 4 Bridges Half Marathon in Chattanooga!  Not only was the scenery spectacular, but the idea of running 4 bridges (or 7 if you were doing the marathon) was pretty cool.  At one point, we were even running on a section of the interstate that had been closed down for the race!  When will you ever get to run on the interstate again?  Um...hopefully never, unless it's for a race.  This was a particularly fast course, too!

This was the first time I have ever taken photos during a race, but how could I resist?  This photo was taken on the first bridge we crossed during this race in the wee hours of the morning.  The bridge in the photo is actually (I believe) the final bridge we crossed that day!



This photo was taken around mile 6 and I believe this was our second to last bridge!

 -On November 16th we ran "The Trail that Can't be Concord" at Concord Park in Knoxville.  Brandon reassured me leading up to that race that it wouldn't be very hilly.  If I could have caught up to him by the end of the race, I would have kicked him!  That was 7 miles of hills, Hills, and HILLS!  My shins and calves were so sore over the next week from the hills.  And to top that....we got attacked by Yellow Jackets!  I haven't been stung by a yellow jacket since I was a little girl!  I forgot how bad they hurt and how long it takes for the sting, itchiness to go away.  Seriously....all I could think of was Katniss and the Tracker Jackets in The Hunger Games.  I got stung twice and Brandon got stung about 5 times.  Someone in front of us must have disturbed the nest, because pretty much everyone behind us was stung.  OUCH!  Shortly after we were attacked, around mile 3, Brandon took off and left me in his dust!

-On December 1st, the Sunday after Thanksgiving, we ran in the Secret City Half Marathon in Oak Ridge, TN.  This race was a double loop course- by far my LEAST favorite.  It's easier for me if I don't know what to expect in terms of courses and seeing the 2nd loop mile markers was hard on that first loop.  Brandon LOVED this course and thought it was particularly fast.  He was ready to sign up for 2014 right then and there.  I, on the other hand, have vowed to not run this race again.  It was probably my least favorite race since the Nashville Half Marathon I ran in March (I think) of 2012.  And the main reason I hate that race was because I was out of shape from just having a baby.  Too bad that's not my excuse for being out of shape now! 

-Most recently (last Thursday), I ran in an Ugly Sweater 5K benefiting Second Harvest Food Bank of East Tennessee (the charity I work for).  This was a fun race!  I always enjoy the races where the runners get into the spirit of the race!  It was a lot of fun to see everyone in their hideous and tacky sweaters running the 5K!  The race started and finished at one of our favorite hang-outs, The Bearden Beer Market!  The first 1/4 mile of the race was straight UP HILL, followed by straight down hills.  I didn't mind this going out, as I had fresh legs (Oh...did I mention I was pushing Josie in the running stroller), but coming back I was beat.  I think making it up that hill would have been tough without the added weight of the stroller and 2 year old and it was nearly impossible with them!  Josie kept saying "Run, mama!  Run!" as I was walking (barely) up the giant hill!  We finished and it was fun!  I will definitely do that one again!

Taken right after the Ugly Sweater 5K!  It was pretty cold during this night race!!

I would like to think I will keep my vow to myself and not schedule anymore races with out proper training, but in all honesty, I doubt that will happen.  My guess is we will sign up for something in January or February and not run one single mile until a week or two before the race.  Maybe I should just accept this strategy and my training method!  Although I can't help but think about how much better my times might be if I actually put some legitimate training into this! Oh well....I will likely never know! 

From the mouths of babes.....

Confessions aren't easy....

Tonight as I was sitting in the living room playing with Josie, my sweet and loving daughter said "Put phone down, Mommy" and pointed to the end table by the couch.  We were playing horsey...she had one hand and my phone had the other.

The simplest of requests from my 2 year old and I feel like a complete A-S-S.  Brandon and I have both made a point to be aware of the amount of time we spend on the Ipad or phone while hanging out with the kiddo (or so I thought), but we live in a world that runs on technology and just like so many others....I am addicted. 

My goodness I feel like a hypocrite.  We spend most of our summer days and nights outside enjoying the world.  I can't tell you how many times this summer I saw other mothers or fathers at the park with their kids, completely missing out on all the fun because they were too glued to their phones to notice. 

I feel like such a jerk, thinking the simple checking of Facebook or peeking into Instagram was going unnoticed.  I am grateful Jo pointed out my mistake.   Because that is exactly what it is.....a mistake on my part.  I talk all the time about how fast she is growing and changing and I don't want to waste a second......yet each night, countless times I am turning on my phone to see the latest updates. 

I have a new rule for this mommy!  I don't care if I have to hide my phone in a dresser drawer when I get home, my greatest and most important priority needs to know she is my greatest and most important priority.  From this point forward, when I am home, my time is reserved for my loves- Josie and Brandon!  Thanks, Jojo, for putting me back in my proper place with your simple, sweet request!

Yikes.....I've got the fever

Ah....jeez....

I have it.  I have it, bad.  I've got Baby Fever!  Baby fever is tough for anyone to deal with, especially those who have to wait or even worse....those who can't on their own. 

And it's not just baby fever- I don't necessarily miss those multiple night feedings and days of little to no sleep.  I don't necessarily miss spending weeks on end in a zombie like- half awake, half asleep- state.  Our bodies adjust and we move past that, but it's still not my favorite phase of parenting.

You know what I am really longing for?  Being pregnant!  I am sure some women will shriek at hearing that, but it's true.  Sure....we had a hard time getting pregnant, but once we actually GOT pregnant it was smooth sailing.  We had a fairly uneventful pregnancy and I had the luxury of enjoying every minute.  I LOVED feeling my body grow and change.  I LOVED knowing I was "housing" our little peanut!  And I truly LOVED feeling her move and turn and kick and live!  Last night I stopped to think about when my water broke.  Initially it scared the hell out of me.  And for about 60 seconds I got nervous and cried about two tears.  After that.....the excitement of knowing I was getting ready to meet my daughter took hold and I never looked back!

I want that.  I want that growing belly.  I want those swift baby kicks to the bladder!  I want it all, even the late night feedings, again!  I am ready.....

How I wish it was all that easy for us.  Shessh....what we wouldn't do to just be able to be pregnant again.  So many of my friends are now going through their own infertility journeys.  It breaks my heart to see anyone else struggle the way we did!  I hope they get Blessed with their very own miracle babe and maybe we will be blessed again, one day, too!    

Just a few days from 2!

I wish that my blogs didn't all start with something along the lines of "It's been so long", "I am a bad blogger", or "Sorry", but they do.  I often think to myself "I should blog about this" or upload pictures, but inevitably something else comes up.  Whether it be the attention stealing toddler or work or a tv show that has been in my DVR for over 6 weeks that my husband threatens to delete or a stronger desire to sleep....something else always comes up!  This past year I have not been a great blogger and although I would love to make promises to be better, I am pretty sure sporadic is as much as I can promise!  In reality it may be time to say bye-bye to the old blog, but there is a part of me that refuses to let go!  So for now....I will continue with my random updates!  Just know...I wish it was more!

And now...on to the update-

This Sunday Miss Josie turns 2 years old!  How is that possible?  This past year has been so much fun with her!  Josie's personality and character have really developed over the past 12 months and she is truly blossoming into a funny, energetic, happy little girl (most of the time).  

Josie started taking Gymnastic classes about two weeks ago and so far she loves it!  It's absolutely hysterical and completely exhausting (for Brandon and I)!  

Josie speaks pretty well for a 2 year old, at least in my opinion.  She strings several words together and speaks in sentences more often then not.  She has a wide variety of words she uses and I am always impressed with her memory.  Just the other day she reminded me that they sprayed water on her hair when she got it cut.......back in June.  She is FINALLY paci free (going on about 5 weeks)!  And she only a stone's throw from being potty trained!  We have days where she uses the potty 95% of the time, and days where she only uses it when it's convenient.  I think she will be diaper free by the end of the year!  Or at least....that's my hope!

Speaking of hair.....it's long.  We have had it cut twice now.  Once last Thanksgiving when we were in IL and again in June.  Both times no more than one inch was cut.  Next time we are in IL we will likely get it cut again.  I would love to chop off several inches and give her hair a chance to grow back healthy and strong, but I am not certain I can convince her dad of that.  

She is so very strong willed, already!  There will always be a part of me that says that's the redhead in her, although it may also have a lot to do with the fact that she is 2!  Josie can throw a fit with the best of them.  And, yes, it's terribly embarrassing.  But, for the most part, it's typical 2-year old behavior.  I have several friends who tell me the Terrible 2's are nothing compared to the Terrible 3's.  Oh great...that just means this next year she will perfect the art of tantrums and come back in another year to truly test our patience!

She loves her friends at school and her family and I love her loyalty already!  Josie is a very sweet little girl and I can't wait to see her grow up and into the person she was meant to be.  Brandon and I hope that we can eventually give her a little brother or sister, but that won't be happening anytime soon!  We are often reminded that she is our little miracle baby!  The one we were never guaranteed!  But she has certainly changed our lives for the best!  She has taught us so much and tested us many times, and at the end of each day she fills our hearts!  Happy Birthday sweet Josie!  Although you are only 2 years old, you are already the most amazing little person I have ever had the pleasure of knowing!  We love you! 

My Fall Favorites

Fall is by far my favorite time of year!  My perfect day would be waking up to a cool morning then progressing into an afternoon where jeans and a long sleeve shirt is comfortable attire.  Those are the days I long for during the dog days of summer.  We aren't quite there yet, but we are getting close!

One of my all time favorite fall recipes is White Chicken Chili!  Oh my, it's so good!  I swear I could eat this dish every day.  I started using Southern Living's "White Lightening Chicken Chili" recipe about two years ago and have never looked back!  We serve this with fresh from the oven cornbread and a dab of sour cream.  It just doesn't get much better than this!





I love that this recipe is so easy and quick to throw together! 



I generally buy two rotisserie chickens and use the meat I can pull from both.  It saves me a little bit of time and hassel!  

1 large sweet onion, diced

• 2 garlic cloves, minced

• 2 tablespoons olive oil

• 4 cups shredded cooked chicken

• 2 (14 1/2-oz.) cans chicken broth

• 2 (4.5-oz.) cans chopped green chiles

• 1 (1.25-oz.) package white chicken chili seasoning mix

• 3 (16-oz.) cans navy beans

Sauté onion and garlic in hot oil in a large Dutch oven over medium-high heat 5 minutes or until onion is tender. Stir in chicken, next 3 ingredients, and 2 cans navy beans. Coarsely mash remaining can navy beans, and stir into chicken mixture. Bring to a boil, stirring often; cover, reduce heat to medium-low, and simmer, stirring occasionally, 10 minutes. Serve with desired toppings.


I hope you enjoy it as much as we do!  Happy Fall, Y'all!


My failed attempt at photography

I thought it would be a good idea to try and take some pictures of Jojo myself.  Not only was it not a great idea, it was basically a disaster.  I now realize hiring a photographer to ensure the pictures are good is much easier on Mama. 

We decided to head out to a local wildlife refuge to take our pictures.  There is a sunflower field that, if caught during bloom, is breath taking.  Unfortunately we may have waited just a day or two too long, not that I got Jo to sit still long enough to enjoy the sunflowers!  I had all sorts of fun print outs to keep Jo's attention while taking her picture, then forgot them all in the car (a lot of good that did me).  She was more interested in playing in the barn or looking anywhere BUT at me.

So....out of the 150 pictures I took (seriously...no joke), here are a few of the decent ones.  Shewww.....that child is exhausting. 

Our little stinker!  Exhausting as she may be, we love her to the moon and back!

This is pretty much it for pictures of Jo and sunflowers....ha!

 



My last attempt to get her picture....in the parking lot!

 



 

This is a look at the area we were in and the sunflower field that we missed by just a day or two!

 

 

The picture below is my absolute favorite! 

21.5 months of life

Babycenter.com continues to send me weekly updates on what my child is likely doing for her age. I signed up for the weekly email when I was pregnant with Josie, and now, 21 ½ months after she was born (I know this, because I just got my email), I still get the updates. Each week when the email arrives, I think to myself “I should finally unsubscribe”, but I never do.

She’s 21 months and 2 weeks old and we are running, full speed, towards her second birthday. Josie no longer walks anywhere. Everywhere she goes; she’s running… or doing a cute toddler version of running. Her little legs are so short (she comes by this naturally) and when she runs I swear they are moving 2x’s as fast as anything else.  For me, it’s also a constant heart attack waiting to happen. Although she is a fast little runner already, she is also a bit clumsy (this, too, she comes by naturally). I get at least two phone calls a week letting me know she’s taken a tumble at school. She usually lands on her head and ends up with scraps and knots….and a popsicle. Brandon and I are suspicious that she might be intentionally falling down, just for the popsicles.

She’s a smart kid. And, yes, I realize all parents think that about their kids. She loves to read, which makes us very happy. She often asks for the “Bears Dancing” book, which is actually “On the Night You Were Born”. And just in the last week she has really gotten excited about her letters. She can count to 10 (on a good day). She has a great memory and I am often caught off guard on how much she can remember. Whether it is something I said in context that she later repeats or just remembering an animal noise she only heard once, she has a pretty sharp memory, already.

She loves to “jump” and watching her figure this out takes me straight to my happy place. Brandon has been trying to teach her how to skip, which is also a delight! And watching her play hop-scotch is hilarious! She can sing (sort of) the Happy Birthday song and if she sees cake or cupcakes, she immediately sings the song.

Our little monkey is well on her way to being potty trained. She uses the potty several times a day, although we aren’t quite ready to take the plunge into big girl underwear. I have a feeling we will have a couple of long weekends this fall where we don’t leave the house as we try to get her fully trained. As long as football is on the TV, I am pretty sure her Daddy will be fine with that! She is also doing well with limited paci use. She still uses the paci in the car and for bedtime. We have three paci’s at the house and all three of them have holes in them. She isn’t too fond of using a “broken” (as she calls it) paci and this has made the transition a little easier. Again….sometime this fall we are going to have to finally give up the paci. This one might be harder than getting her potty trained.

I look back at her this time last year and she is like a completely different child. Nothing in this world makes me more proud, brings me greater happiness or can bring me crashing to my knees quite like my child. I cannot wait to see what this world has in store for her, because I can guarantee, she has every intention of taking it by storm!

No need to get cocky

It's amazing how even after 19 months with countless colds, stomach viruses, rashes and fevers (we really love daycare) we can still feel helpless when presented with new illnesses.  This past weekend was a big one for our family (more on that later) and we were practically busy from sun-up to sun-down Friday and Saturday.  She missed a nap and definitely didn't eat her normal meals and certainly came way off her normal schedule.  So when Josie started having issues late Saturday night, we just assumed it was from over exhausted (no nap and lots of play time).  We quickly came to understand that whatever was going on wasn't just being tired.  She was uncomfortable.  Brandon was scared she was in a lot of pain.  I didn't know what to think, but she was screaming.  And most of the time she was screaming for me, while I was holding her.  This really broke my heart (and kind of freaked me out).  I won't lie....I considered taking her to the hospital.  We didn't know what else to do.  We had never experienced this with her before.  Almost as quickly as we got her settled down and back to sleep, she was up having another episode.  This went on all night long.  The screaming/crying episodes were accompanied with thrashing of her arms and legs.  It was awful.  And really scary. 

Brandon noticed her little feet had a red rash and he wondered if she had gotten a virus.  I had determined she must be suffering with gas after having eaten terrible that day and no major BM.  I probably shouldn't quit my day job to become a doctor. So much for mother's intuition. 

By morning Josie had blisters all over her little mouth, hands and feet.  She also had a diaper rash to rival most others she has experienced.  I spent most of the morning texting family and friends who had spent the two previous days loving on our baby.  There is nothing quite like an early morning wake up call "Hey...the kid is sick.  Hope yours don't get it".  We spent all day Sunday lounging around and trying to stay as low-key as possible.  I have watched enough Barney to satisfy several lifetimes. 

This morning we headed off to the doctor to confirm that, indeed, the little peanut has Hand, Foot, and Mouth disease.  This fun filled virus has a 3-6 day incubation period.  She likely caught it from someone at daycare last week and had it for several days before showing signs.  I called daycare this morning to give them the head's up and they told me they had already sent 2 kids home with the same symptoms.

All it takes is one virus to remind you that you don't have it figured out.  When Jo was a little baby and we experienced sicknesses and illnesses for the first time I was always so scared.  Are we doing things right?  Did we give her the right medicine? But, after a while,  you get used to these things and you don't question your actions.  Just when we thought we had it all under control.......she threw us a curve ball.  Babies are good like that...always keeping us on our toes.  It will take a few days, but she will get better.  And we will build our confidence up again.  And once again, she will remind us that we don't know all the answers. 





Summer has landed.

Oh man....this is bad.  I haven't blogged a single word in quite a while.  I got on this blog today and realized I started a draft back on May 28th.  Just a draft.  The first line read "Summer is quickly approaching".  This is so bad that I can't even use this draft as a starting point.  At this point, Summer has approached.  It's here.  In fact, it's so the middle of Summer already that when I went Hobby Lobby this week, they already had their fall/Christmas shelves stocked.  It's so Summer, it's almost Christmas (according to Hobby Lobby). 

So, I apologize.  Summer life has taken over.  Babies stay up later and later.  Dinners get pushed back.  Mommies get tired earlier.  Feel free to insert whatever excuse makes you comfortable with my laziness.  I assure you, it will likely apply! 

We spent a glorious week at the beach with my family.  Josie LOVED every minute of it, as did we.  There was a point this past year that we were not 100% convinced my amazing Grandma, or GG as she is known by the little ones, would be here for our annual trip.  My Grandma is 93 years old.  She was born in 1920.  Take a second to let that sink in.  1920.  Oh, the things she has seen in her lifetime.  She's truly an amazing woman for so many, many things.  This past year she suffered from two strokes.  At the age of 92.  It scared us all.  She has been a healthy woman all her life and the thought of her being ill or physically disabled or even mentally interrupted nearly brought our family to our knees.  But....by the Grace of God, at 93 beautiful years old, she is well.  She uses a cane, but only occasionally, to get around now.  Other than that, GG is as healthy as she should be.  She's remarkable.  It's just that simple.

Here is GG (great grandma) with 4 of her 9 Great Grandchildren.  That's my little Jojo on the far right.

We keep pictures on our fridge.  Just a random assortment of people who have given us pictures or ones that we are particularly fond of.  There is a picture of GG on our fridge.  Prior to going to the beach we would talk about all the people in the pictures.  When asked who she was, Josie learned that's "GG".  When we arrived at the beach, she knew immediately who this woman was!  It warmed my heart. 

All the family had a blast at the beach.  Josie spent most of her mornings covered from head to toe in sand.  She ate sand by the shovel full.  Had the sand contained any nutritional value what so ever, I would have bagged it and brought it home.  At least that way she would be eating something she actually WANTED to eat (ahh...the life of a newly picky eater).  I am not sure I have ever seen any one child so interested in consuming sand.  She loved everything about it!  She wanted to dig and fill buckets and eat!  She was content!  And so were we!

Since the arrival of Summer our lives seem to have doubled in busy.  I feel like it's my mission to be going.  All the time.  I want to be doing something.  Outside.  All.  The.  Time.  Our weekends stay booked and it makes me happy!  I love to feel like we are constantly moving.  It makes those random lazy Saturdays or Sundays so much more special.  And as most Summers do, this Summer has brought it's inevitable heat!  Usually mid-July becomes a time where people try to stay indoors as much as possible.  So far we have not experienced the sweltering heat, but I am sure it is due to arrive any day.  What do you do with a toddler who only wants to be outside in 90+ degree temperatures?  Sprinklers? 

This summer has brought on some fun new changes for us, also.  Our little lady is no longer sleeping in her crib, but instead in the crib converted to a toddler bed.  It's a pretty big deal, so if you didn't already go "OHhhhhh", feel free to do so now.  I'll wait.  We are also inching ever so close to being potty trained.  She goes on the potty 2-3 times at school each day and usually once for us at home.  Again...it's a big deal (at least in our worlds)! 

Later this month we will celebrate my Mom's 65th Birthday!  We are planning a big party and I cannot wait for us to all come together to celebrate this amazing woman!  I will do a post all about the party later!  It's going to be so much fun!  These days I am living for our Summer nights and weekends!  Some where in between I will try to find more time to blog!  Like during work hours.  Ha!



I am throwing in this last picture because I just adore it!



 

Growing up

It is hard to believe that my sweet husband and I are once again celebrating birthdays.  Where does the time go?  I find it hard to believe that another year has passed, we are this much older, and our daughter is nearly 18 months.

Happy Birthday to my amazing husband.  Thank you for being you.  You always make me laugh and your sense of humor is only one of the many reasons I am head over heels in love with you.  You are such a fantastic husband.  Before Josie was born, I thought I couldn't possibly love you more.  But, now, I see you with her and my heart swells.  Being a Dad comes so very nature to you.  It's like you were born to be a parent!  Josie loves you so much and I love watching her face light up when she sees you!  She laughs hardest and longest when playing with you.....and there is nothing sweeter!

I will cherish the fact that I get to watch the relationship between the two of you grow as she grows.  She is by far the most perfect and amazing gift you could have ever given to me!  Thank you!  Thank you for your continued love, patience, support and happiness.  Thank you for Josie.  Thank you for the life we get to have as a family of three!  It's more than I could have ever dreamed of.....and I am grateful!

Happy Birthday, my love! 

And now....a picture of our little sweetie (because it's my birthday and I can do what I want) showing off her super long hair!  Doesn't she look so grown up with all that hair?  Sweet girl!

Broken Hearted.

Our problems really are minuscule in comparison with the aftermath of Boston and Texas and different areas all over the world.  But, none the less, they are ours.  They brought sadness and despair, regardless of what level.  And I won't downplay them, although they are not nearly as traumatic.

On Friday, April 19th I got a phone call from our nurse.  She informed us that the blood pregnancy test that I submitted that morning had come back positive.  "But", she said.....and naturally my heart dropped, she didn't advise we tell many people just yet.  Our HCG levels (the pregnancy hormone- also known the beta hormone) were low.  Almost unmeasurable.  I wouldn't be surprised if my heart actually stop for a few beats at this point.  The nurse told us there may be a couple of reasons for this- 1) Sometimes it just takes a little longer for FET's to get "going" and by retesting on Monday we would know if things looked better- 2) although I was pregnant, it wasn't going to last and I would likely miscarry or loose the pregnancy and by retesting on Monday we would know if things looked worse.

By the end of the day Friday we walked away with this- I was currently pregnant, but we wouldn't know until Monday if it was going to stick.  I imagine it's unnecessary for me to say this, but on Monday we retested and my practically unmeasurable pregnancy hormone had gone down.  We had lost or were loosing the baby.  My doctor advised I stop all medications. She told me how sorry she was.  Sometimes, she said, these things just don't work out.  She reminded me that the very best embryos were used in our fresh cycle, the one that resulted in our beautiful daughter.  She informed me that we were still great candidates for another IVF ICSI fresh cycle, if we wanted to start over.  She said a lot, and I heard a lot, but I can promise you at the time I wasn't listening.  I was still stuck on the part about my pregnancy hormones going down and her phrase "I am so sorry".

This wasn't supposed to be how this ended for us.  We were supposed to get pregnant with our last chance embryos and have a happy, healthy bouncing baby.  Obviously that was the happy ending we were planning.  Friday afternoon, even with the advised warning, we walked away with hope.  Hope that although odds were not in our favor, this could still happen.  It wasn't a negative test....so how could we not have hope?  But, hope can be a scary thing, if not reined in properly.  Hope can appear to be a sweet, gentle animal that turns into a beast that bites*.

None of the decisions we make right now have to be permanent decisions.  I am so thankful for this.  We have time.  As of right now, we are planning to take a year or two....and think.  Do we want to go through another IVF ICSI cycle?  How would it be different for us in 12-24 months?  How would it be different for us financially or physically?  How would it affect Josie? 

To be brutally honest, I am not sure my body can handle another fresh cycle.  I am not certain I would be able to deal with another potential severe case of OHSS (like last time), especially not with a toddler in tow.  I do not think Josie would understand two weeks of bed rest from Momma.  And don't even get me started on the financial aspects of all of this (why are these things so freaking expensive?).  But, I can not bring myself to make any permanent lasting decisions.  Not yet.  Because in the end...these things are true.  1) we want more than anything to have another child to share our love and lives with- 2) we want Jo to be a big sister, to experience a sibling and the love that comes along with that- 3) I want to experience pregnancy, again. 

Even through our broken hearts, we hang onto our hope.  That scary beast that just bit us in the ass.  We keep it in our hearts and we nurture it and we know deep down it's a sweet animal that wants good things for us.  Because that's all we have. We will just be a little more cautious with our hope next time.  I want to scream for the rooftops "It's not FAIR"!  Because it's not.  It's never been fair.  Not for us, not for you.  Not for anyone.  One way or another, life is not fair.  But, one thing that is for sure, life goes on.  And so will we! 

We will watch our beautiful miracle of a child grow and thrive, because she is both growing and thriving more than we could ever imagine.  We will be reminded EVERY SINGLE DAY of the miracle she is for us!  She is the baby we were never guaranteed.  A tiny walking, talking, fit-throwing miracle!  We will wait and see where our lives take us.  And in the end, we are blessed.  Even on the days that seem like disasters, we are blessed.  Blessed.  I will continue to repeat....blessed.

Finally- We have had people around the country saying prayers and thinking happy thoughts for us over the past few weeks.  Our hearts break to share our sad news, but we are lifted by these prayers from friend and family and strangers alike.  Thank you.  Each and every one of you who took the time to think of us.  I can't begin to tell you how grateful we are for your continued support and love.  Thank you from the very bottom of our hearts....thank you!

*This is not my true/normal interpretation of hope, but today, it fits.